If I were to be honest

I'm dying of jealousy.

Mum and Uncle flitted off to Manila tonight. I was left all alone. I called Manila to let them know their flight details and to confirm that everything is a-ok. I wanted so much for me to go with them tonight. Screw my last exam, I wanted to go. But me, being the geek stayed and decided to do the right thing. I sometimes hate myself for being so conscientous. Not just in regards to my studies but in general. I always wanted to be in the right. I always want to please people. For them to not get upset with me. It's getting tiring really but I can't help myself.

Take Mark for example, before he left yesterday, he dropped by my house to say goodbye. He wanted to get an affirmation that nothing will change when I get back here in February. And me, being a depressed psycho just couldn't give that to him. The depression started kicking in and it's eating me up alive. I know what I have to do. I know the right thing to do and I know that I should start or at least help myself pick up the pieces and move on. But I can't independently move on with Mark by my side or any other guy for that matter especially since I promised myself that I'll give myself a NIKKI time. A break from all these.

I suppose it's nobody's fault. This happened because it's meant to happen. Mum told me that maybe there will be greater things for me but I just can't see myself investing heavily on a relationship anymore if it won't last. I don't think I can do this again.

It's been too hard. It's still hard. But the fact that I finally realised that I can't just jump from one guy to another and expect that it will be better is a plus for me. I've had enough sleepless nights to last me a lifetime. I never knew that such pain exists. I kept asking mum how to get over a guy cos for me, it's been really hard. I asked her how she got over Dad, she told me if you put your mind to it, it'll happen. It sounds logical but I just can't seem to see myself being normal again. It's like not being me anymore.

I remembered asking a question to the Tatiana book whether I'll ever be normal again, it told me that a new me will emerge and the old me will soon be forgotten. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I don't know. I've been throwing myself around. I keep myself busy just so I could not think of him. It's really hard trying to accept facts when you've loved that person so much. I meant what I said that I'm happy for him but I'll be lying if I told you guys that I'm not hurting because I am - a lot.

I loved this man with all my heart and it pains to see that he hates me so much but I guess I should just accept it because there's nothing I can do. I can't turn back the time and I can't see what the future holds for me. I was so sure I will end up with him but even that blindsided me. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I've been an awful person and I hate myself for what I had become. I lost the most important thing in my life because of my pride. I have nothing left to do but wait for this to go away so I can start again. I know I'll be alright. Somehow, I'm not scared to think that I can't go on. But I also know that I'll never be the same person because I want this side of me gone. I don't want her by my side because she will bring me down.

Maybe what I'll get out of these is to be emotionally mature. To not take people for granted and to not hurt those people who love me.

I know this may sound too heartfelt for you guys, but for the first time, I'm finally being honest to what I'm feeling. I'm sad and I'm in pain and I don't know when I'll be alright. But I know I will be...