I'm putting a period

I finally came to terms with all the pain that had been with me all these months. I swore up and down that I was over him only to find out that I wasn't.

I'm such a mess right now. I can't stop thinking about him. I thought I wanted him back but when asked what I really want, I can't say it. I can't ask him to come back. I don't know what I want. I don't know. I don't know.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm so confused.

My mum isn't helping. She told me that I'm coming home in three weeks and I should be prepared to what's going to happen next. I'm not ready though. I don't think I'll ever be ready.

I just want to not see him altogether but that would be a coward approach towards it. I want to be mature about everything. I want to tell him in person that he had been such an important part of my life. That if in the future we'll see each other again, both free and all, I would be open to the possibility of us getting back together.

But another part of me, a bigger part wanted me to just hide away. I would even go as far as wanting to go to the travel agency and just cash my ticket so I can't go altogether. I can't face him when I don't even know what I want.

Maybe I'm just imagining things.

Maybe that thing that I thought was there is no longer there.

Or maybe it's been there all along.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Everybody's telling me to just move on. To forget about him and just let it go. To at least, have some dignity left and stand on my ground. I really hope I can do it cos I don't think I'll be able to handle anymore dramas.