All stressed out

When you are under an avalanche of written assignments, group meetings, quizzes, lectures, tutorials and having a very sore body and been starving since Saturday and having your monthly period, the itch to blog becomes apparent.

So spare me if I ramble on. I need to vent or I'll explode.

Lately, I've been tempted to get in contact with my ex-boyfriend yet again. Not just the "Ya think I should just not block him out and wait for him to message me at YM?" but the "I really, really, really want to talk to him. To see if he still thinks of me and whether he still wants to get in contact."

I've been dreaming about him nonstop too. I think about him and his girlfriend all the time. But it's not accompanied with a tug to my heart anymore. Just slight.

Silly Nikki. Silly, silly Nikki.

I know I can't go back. I've come a long way. I might as well just continue with what I do and eventually will fully forget about him. Besides, I kind of have an idea that he's completely forgotten about me. I wouldn't be surprised if one day we bumped into each other and he'll just go, "Nikki who?"

I'm seriously torturing myself.

Haven't I put myself through a lot for that guy?

Maybe it's just the PMS talking. I've been having a lot of mood swings lately. It's not even funny.

I know I'll be okay though. I'm almost there, I can feel it. But it scares me that once I get there, I won't be able to even cement a friendship with him because getting over him is one if not the hardest thing I ever have to do.

And I don't think I can do it again.

Right now, I'm happy with what I do and who I spend my time with. I get to focus on what I want and once I had that sorted out, I got all excited with my plans and my goals.

I never imagined myself enrolling in a tae kwon do class. Never in my life. I thought I'm too delicate for that sort of sport. I was scared that I'd break my already broken nose or I'd sprain my ankle.

I never also thought that I'd be motivated to try to lose some weight. I always thought, "Hey, it's my choice to be a fat-ass so deal with it." Weight had never been an issue. I always like what I see in the mirror and I'm confident in my own skin so why would I? It's not like I'm morbidly obese and need two seats for my two bum cheeks.

But I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do a lot of physical activities that requires being fit. Examples: scuba diving, sky diving, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, skiing and surfing.

I started joining the gym again. Am doing forty-five minutes of cardio everyday. I walk along the beach and I start to look after what I eat. Hence, been starving since Saturday.

This morning at the gym, my thighs were so sore from cycling, I wanted to give up. Then I thought to myself, "size ten, size ten, size ten." That kept me going. It's my mantra. I chant it to keep me motivated. It's my desired size when I turn twenty-one.

It's weird how motivated I am this time around. Probably because I get to do it with Dimples. It's fun when you're with someone who is on the same wavelength as you.

Dimples and I were talking the other night how hard it was for her to get over her ex-best-friend-cum-almost-boyfriend. It's been almost three years and she's still trying to get over him.

"I can wait for him and not stop my world altogether."

See I can't do that. I can not wait for him and still move on with my life. I do things one at a time. I plan my life and stick to it. I decide on one thing and goes after it. Right now, I decided to take control of my life and do all these different things. That's what I've decided to do.

Because I don't want to waste my time waiting and hoping. I don't want to become a spinster.

And I have this sinking feeling that the person I want to wait for doesn't want to be waited on anymore anyway.

So why bother?