I've been so distracted with him getting engaged

I distracted myself by flirting with guys.

Not good.

I went to his engagement party last night.

It was a fucking circus.

Everybody was pissed drunk. Even yours truly.

Muay Boy asked J if she could help his fiancee with the speech. J agreed only if the girl won't read it off a piece of paper.

When it was time for her to give the speech, J saw that she was planning to read it off the paper. What an idiot.

J rushed towards her and snatched the paper. In the end, she was left standing on the stage with nothing to say. Muay Boy was beyond embarassed. I was too for him.

It. Was. Not. Good.

It broke my heart when I saw him standing next to her. It was then I realised that I can't stand seeing them together. Ugh.

It was also the reason why I was chugging alcohol the whole night.

By eleven, I could no longer see. But my friends wanted to still go clubbing so I had no choice.

As I was getting my stuff from their house, Muay Boy grabbed my arm and took me aside. He asked me if I'm free to talk.

"Of course. What's up?"

"No, not now. Maybe tomorrow?"

"I'll be at uni the whole day but I can meet you for lunch."

This morning, we met up. I wasn't in my best form. I was hung over trying to finish my essay paper on a Sunday morning.

I thought it was cute that we were both wearing beanies but I scratched that thought right out.

We talked. We talked heaps. How I've been doing. How they met. How he survived the tsunami with her. How they fell in love. How his mum asked him to propose before going back to Queensland.

I was just looking at him waiting to ask him the question that's been bugging me since I found out that he's engaged.

"Is this really what you want? Really?"

He was silent for a moment. He told me that all he wants is to live his life.

Whatever that means.

He asked me if I ever got together with my ex-boyfriend. I said no. I told him what happened. Why we didn't get back together and what went down when I was in Manila.

His reaction was sweet. It made me want to kiss him and ask him to leave his non-english speaking fiancee. But 'course I didn't.

"Honestly, Nikki. You deserve so much more. I can't believe I was wrong. I was so sure you would get back together. That's why I gave way so you and him can be happy and work things out. If I'd known..."

He trailed off. He looked away and didn't finish what he wanted to say.

I didn't want him to finish what he started saying. I'm not ready.

I know what he would've said.

"If I'd known, I wouldn't have backed down."

"If I'd known, we probably would still be together."

"If I'd known, we would probably be so happy."

I don't need any drama right now.

I'm in my pj's and I'm looking forward to a week of comfort feeding and gym slacking.

Happy Mother's Day

You have been a part of my life for the longest time.

My Best Friend.

My confidante.

My soul.

My mentor.

My heart.

You're far too great for me to express my feelings in words.

I love you, Mum.