How do you deal?

Last night was a blast.

Yep, sure. I'm probably gona be in a lot of shit for not showing up at work this morning because I was a bit tipsy and I couldn't be bothered working an eight hour shift.

I ended up going home at five o'clock in the morning- we left when the club closed. How cute was that??

But since I was drunk last night, I did something, something that I regret right now.

I drunk dialled Mark.

Called Mark when I was in the toilet.

Hey, he said.

What are you upto? I asked.

Nothing, I'm at Melba's right now, what about you, he replied.

I'm at The Drink, I said.

I thought you weren't gona go to Surfers tonight, he said.

Well, I changed my mind. I wasn't gona but my friends made me change my mind, I answered.

Ok, can you call back a little bit later? I'm busy, he said.

I asked him what's going on, he told me that Jono and his girlfriend was trying to hook him up with Jono's girlfriend's friend.

Apparently, she was keen but he wasn't. Because he was sober and he didn't find him attractive.

But she's tall and blond, he said.

Bastard. The exact opposite of me. He really knows how to push my button.

You know what? Fuck this shit, I'm going to hook up too, I shouted then hung up.

He called back straight away and told me not to hook up.

Why the fuck not? I asked.

Because I'm not going to, he said.

How do I know that? I demanded.

Because I don't talk shit, Nikki. I'm not like you, he replied.

What's that supposed to mean, I asked.

It means that you're lucky that I'm still crazy about you and Johnson is still crazy about you and that we're willing to stick around til you make up your mind, he said.

Since you're drunk right now, I'm gona ask you a question, he added.

Ask away, I said.

Do you love me, he asked.

I thought for a moment. I love him but I think there's a reason why we can't be together. He drives me crazy. He really really does.

No, I said.

So it's Johnson then, he asked.

No, I'm starting a clean slate, I said.

Don't hook up. I know you can just grab a guy and hook up with him on the dance floor but don't do it just to piss me off, he said.

I'm not doing it just to piss you off, I'm doing it for myself. I can't be bothered dealing with you and Johnson anymore. I'm over it, I replied.

It's funny how you're over the whole thing when you're the one manipulating me and him, he said.

I'm sorry if you feel that way. Hook up with your new girlfriend and just get out of my life, will ya, I muttered.

As much as I want to do that, I can't, he said.

There's nothing I can do for you then. I'm sorry if I dragged you into this whole mess but I can't, I said.

I know you mean that, I'm sorry too, he replied.

Why can't we just be together?

What's my problem and what's stopping me?

I do love the guy but he's married now and I think he's still going to give his marriage one last chance before he says goodbye to it. I'm sure of it. He's too decent to just go, fuck it, I'm outta here.

Don't hook up, he said before saying goodbye.

The bad thing about me is that I do the exact opposite of what I've been told to do.

So you know what happened at the Drink.


The Drink

Of course, I hooked up.

Not once, but twice.

As soon as I got out of the toilet after calling Mark, this guy grabbed me and started kissing me.

I couldn't even remember what he looked like. All I know was that he was tall and he was blond.

That was good. But it just bothers me that I could not remember.

That was hook up one.

Amber's boyfriend's friend and I were dancing on the dance floor til the wee hours of the morning.

It was fun. It was fun and did I say it was fun?

We hooked up a few times.

That was hook up two.

I never meant to go out last night. I was meant to go out tonight but I can't change that now, can I?


I really am a guy

I dropped off hook up two at his house early this morning.

He turned towards me as I pulled over alongside his house.

Ok, well call me, he asked.

My eyes were already on the road but I turned and smiled.

Yeah, definitely, I said.

Do you want my number, he asked.

I'll just get it off [Amber's boyfriend name here], I replied.

Oh ok, he said. He just sat there for a moment looking at me. Then it hit me.

I leaned in to kiss him and he kissed me back.

Then he got out of the car and looked through the window. I smiled at him and drove off.

Man, I really am a guy, I said to Bernie.

Usually it is the girl who asks for the guy to call her.

Usually it is the girl who gives her number to the guy.

Usually it is the girl who is all clingy after a hook up.

Usually it is the girl who waits for the kiss.

Usually it is the girl who stalls before going out of the car.

But no, not nikki.

I dropped him off, wasn't keen to get his number, hesitated before kissing him goodbye and drove off straight away.

I am all fucked up.


Clean Slate

From now on, I'm gona stop dating altogether for a long while. I'm just gona have fun with my friends.

I really can't deal with all these right now.

I have my work [my supervisor is very angry at me, by the way].

I have my uni.

And I have my best friends.

That's all I need to focus on right now.

Nothing else.