Can somebody kill me now?

I've been making a lot of bad decisions in my life.

When I was six years old, I told myself, I want to ask my dad to buy me a Barbie doll. He went and bought it for me.

I was happy for a grand total of two weeks. I never left the house without my doll.

After a couple of weeks, I got sick of it and just left it at the bottom of my storeroom.

When asked what happened to Barbie I just shrugged and told him I got sick of it and I didn't want it anymore.

So mum gave the barbie to my cousin. I didn't even know.

A few days later, I saw my cousin playing with it and totally went off at her for stealing my barbie. I suddenly wanted my barbie back and she wouldn't give it back to me because my mum already gave it to her.

I got mad and didn't speak to her for a long while.

Bad decision.

When I was ten, I asked my dad if I could get a pair of rollerskates.

He went and bought it for me. I was happily skating around my house and onto the streets in our village.

Don't skate too fast because you might get run over, dad warned.

I decided to ignore him and skated fast anyway.

I fell off a ledge and I ended up being brought to the hospital and I now have a nasty scar just below my lip.

Bad decision.

When I was in high school one guy was very interested in me. He called me every single day asking me how my day went telling me how much he liked me.

I took him for granted. Cheated on him a few times and basically told him that I've cheated.

He stuck around for a grand total of three months before telling me that he's had enough and that we should break up.

Bad decision.

I was seventeen when I met the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We did everything together and I really thought he was the one. I loved him deeply and we were talking about getting married and buying a house and starting our lives together. It lasted for three years. I was there hand and foot for him and basically gave everything I've got I didn't think I left something for myself.

Then he broke my heart. I was left looking for a way to get on with my life everyday without him.

Bad decision.

Last year, I met another guy who thought the world of me. He was willing to give back everything I've given up for. But I pushed him away and told him I wasn't keen on being in a relationship with anyone.

Then he got married and moved interstate.

Sometimes, I still play the what ifs with this guy. A lot of what if's and a lot of would'ves, could'ves, should'ves with him.

Again, bad decision.

Just six months ago, I started working for a good company here in the Gold Coast. I was happy there. Nice people, good pay and I met the guy that turned my world upside down.

He had a girlfriend. He gave her up for me.

I gave up my job for him. So we could be together.

It fell apart. We were just too different.

Bad decision.

Now, I've made another bad decision. Falling in love is something I'm not really ready for.

I'm in love with being in love, Amber once told me.

I'm in love with being confused, I say.

Why do I fall for the wrong guys?

The unavailable yet desirable guys?

Why do I fall for guys who are slightly related to my exes?

Why do I always get myself in a situation that leaves me brokenhearted?

I jump from one relationship to the next like there's no tomorrow hoping that one of them would finally be my match and would make me happy.

I'm not keen on settling down. But I do feel guilty jerking guys off just because I don't know what I want.

They don't deserve it.

I'm a scum in dire need of a shower.

The funny thing is, I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I'd be happy for six hours then I'm back to being all confused and sad.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe you just can't be alone, my cousin told me.

I don't think that's it.

I can be alone.

I have a lot of things that will take my mind off certain things.

And I certainly don't fall easy. Since having my heart trampled, I've learned to be guarded. I don't need to be left hanging again.

Try being by yourself. It's refreshing. They come when you least expect it, my cousin said.

The thing is, I care a lot about Johnson, Mark and one-i'd-rather-not-mention.

If only I can put them all together I'd be a happy, happy girl.


Bumping into someone

A few months ago, I hooked up with one of Nick's friends. I haven't seen him since the night we hooked up and I was quite happy about that.

I pretty much forgot what he looks like and I'm getting on with my everyday life.

Tonight though, as I was filling up my car with petrol, I saw him.

I thought to myself that the guy waiting in line was a bit cute. And he was looking at me.

Then it hit me. It was the guy I hooked up with a few months ago.

I shit myself. It was hard not to.

He was staring at me and I knew that he remembers me.

I did what I had to do, I just pretended that I didn't remember him.

I ran back to my car and drove off.

I know.. I'm a bitch. But how awkward our conversation would've been if we did talk?

I don't even want to find out.


Moving in with the wifeys

Amber, Bernie and I are taking our relationship to the next level.

We're moving in together.

We organised our budget for the house, for the bills and for everything. We're moving in on the 21st of October.

I'm excited but at the same time nervous. I've been friends with these girls for eons and I'd hate to fight with them over who gets to do the dishes or who gets to do food shopping.

I have a few reservations about moving in but if they say it's all good, who am I to complain?

My friends are the only thing sane in my life right now.