I guess in the end you think of the beginning

There are a few things in my life that I need to sort out.

Whether I want to be in a relationship or not.

And who with.

I promised in February with my best friend that I won't be in a relationship this year.

We made a pact. I'll get over Vmac and she'll take risks.

We did it on the beach. Under the stars with the waves as witnesses.

We managed to do all the things that we promised ourselves we'd do.

Every month, we had one good thing going on for us.

From seeing Anthony Callea, catching the fugitive, hooking up with Thane, getting a job at Hyatt, hooking up with Johnson, etc.

I promised myself I want to be happy this year.

And I am. I delivered. I party every weekend, I have great friends I can rely on always.

I promised myself I won't be in a relationship this year. Not even one.

Once again, I delivered. I hook up but not really with someone exclusively.

But since last year, there's always that someone who comes back and bites me in the ass.

He was online tonight. Talking to me and making me think.

Is this really what you want for your life, nikki, he asked.

Fooling around, not having a care in the world, he added.

I have so much faith in you. I know you'll be great someday but you need to work on that now, he said.

Don't think of me as your ex-boyfriend, think of me as a best friend, he prodded.

The problem with Mark is, no matter how much I try, no matter what I do, he'll always be there.

He never goes away.

We met, we had fun and we ended.

I moved on. He survived the tsunami.

I met Lem. He proposed to Helen.

I met Johnson. He married Helen.

I stopped dating Johnson. He separated from Helen.

Now we're back to square one.

Thinking what we're gona do with "us".

I've done some really bad things you know, I said.

I know, but do you see me running away, asked.

There are certain things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be honest and I wanted to be real.

But I know it'll kill him if it came from me.

That I fooled around with his best friend when he was away. I could justify all I want but the truth of the matter is, I did something wrong.

But he's still here.

I married Helen even when I was in love with you, he said.

How is that the same, I asked.

We both did something stupid, he answered.

We started talking about the past. Our past.

How much fun we had going to Timezone. Playing pool and Jurassic Park.

Riding the Dodgem. Eating in KFC.

The time he bought Indy tickets just so he can wait for me outside the trailer van when I was working at Subway.

The time we had to bring one of my workmates to the hospital and we ended up staying in the hospital for three hours.

The time I drove to Marina Mirage and he showed up out of nowhere telling me that his gut instinct told him that I'd be up.

The time I dared him to have his face painted.

The time we drove towards Tweed Heads just for the hell of it.

The time he dared me to eat curry powder with no water for five minutes.

The laughter we shared when I spewed on our table after the dare.

The times he picked me up form work.

The time we were learning the words to the songs of Joss Stone.

The time we spent in the lecture theatre the whole time messaging me when he was just sitting next to me in lecture.

The time he gave me all the answers for our Business Statistics tutorial questions.

The time he did my essay for Bus. Stat.

The time when he helped me pick out a gift for Monique for her sixth birthday.

The time when I bumped into him for the first time outside uni in one of the parties in parkwood.

The time we spent sitting on the couch paying people out.

The time we watched a movie and he was just staring at me the whole time.

The time I bumped into him at the beginning of the school year and I was thinking to myself, he looked like Jesus Christ.

The time I told him to cut his hair because long hair just don't do him justice.

The time he cut his hair and emailed me a photo of his new haircut.

The time he graduated and I didn't get to go to his graduation dinner.

The time I had to attend his engagement party.

The time I had to say goodbye to him when he left for Sydney.

The time I had to catch up with him when he came to visit.

The time I told him he looked hot if he put on more weight.

The time he told me I lost so much weight he can carry me with one finger now.

The time when we fought because everytime I see him, my feelings for him just get stronger.

The time he told me he just needs to sort some stuff out but promised me that everything will be ok.

The time when we came to visit and I didn't even see him.

The time I hooked up with his best friend.

And then now.

There were too many things that happened. But somehow he manages to come back and assure me that everything will be alright.

He thinks I'm playing him.

I think he's playing me.

What kind of a man would tell me that he'll sort his thing out and then sign a lease for a year in Sydney?

But everytime we speak on the phone or chat on msn or message each other, my heart flutters and my tummy feels funny.

I just have a feeling that he'll be around for a very long time getting me confused and disoriented all at the same time.