I don't know what to do anymore

I've been giving it a lot of thought lately and I think the sun had set in our day of fun in the sun.

I don't know how to explain it but I'm drifting away. To a point where I know I won't get anything in return anymore.

That there won't be a future for us.

I used to think we'd be together. I used to think he was the one. But lately, it got me thinking; Why am I not happy anymore?

Is it because of the stress of uni?

Because of our demanding jobs?

Because we became really good friends instead of lovers?

I don't know.

I love him. He knows that. I know that. Everybody knows that. But I feel that this will lead to break up.

I don't know why, I just know it.

I don't feel the connection anymore. The "come-here-I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off" feeling.

And I loved that. I love being in love. I don't want to be stuck in a rut where we're just waiting for the other to break it up.

There's no one else. There's no one making me confuse. And there's no one in my mind that I want to start another relationship with.

I just realised it on my own. By myself.

Sitting there, looking at him.. He never seem to want to talk about the future. He always has excuses on why we can't talk about it.

I know I winge a lot and maybe because I'm not happy.

There, I said. I don't think I'm happy anymore.

I like being with him. But we haven't really connected in God only knows how long.

Not once did he tell me, I look pretty.

Nor did he tell me he's happy with me.

Nor did he tell me he wants to move forward in our relationship.

I'm not asking for a proposal. God knows I'm not ready for that. And with the way things are going, I don't think I will ever be.

All I ask for is a little reasurance. That he loves me.

That he finds me attractive. I feel like a blimp when I'm with him. My insecurities are going off the charts.

While I map my future with him [thinking of giving up career opportunities so I can stay here with him], he talks about going to Iraq, or live in ACT or move to Sydney without any indication that he'll take me with him.

I don't think I'll ever be a part of his life.

There are some areas in his life that he never really let me into. I don't think he ever will.

I'm crying right now as I write this. I'm seriously hurting. I'm hurting more than anything.

It hurts me cos I really love him. I really thought he was the one.

But now I know he's not.

His birthday is coming up and I planned to take him on a diving trip cos I know how much he loves diving but I'm not too sure we'll last that long.

I don't want to be unhappy anymore.

I want to feel loved and secure.

I want to trust someone.

And I can't trust him. Because he never lets me in. I've proven more than once for a long time that I wasn't going anywhere. But I guess it's not enough.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

My parents are coming back on Thursday. I told Mum about it and she said, do what my heart tells me to do.

And that's what I'll do.

Maybe it's time to face the music.

Time to face the truth.

It's not working out anymore.