Outside My Mark Space

Ok, how's this for a story.

Friend 1 had been going out with friend 2 for four years. They basically grew up together. They both told me at the beginning of the semester that they couldn't see themselves without the other anymore. They both decided to go to Uni together, each studying the course they desire. Everytime I would meet Friend 1 at our lectures, she would always tell me how lucky she is that she found the man of her life at such a young age (both are 23).

Then everytime I would bump into Friend 2, he always says how luck he is that him and Friend 1 are on the same wavelength. They both know what they wanted to do with their lives and they both go after it. Him to be an engineer, her to put up her own business. He told me that after they both graduate in three years, he would ask him to marry her.

"It's the next logical thing to do. We've been together forever and once I get my degree, I can have a good job and I can support her." is what he always tells me.

Their coupling was something to be reckoned with. They were together most of the time and they looked really happy together. We would have lunch together and sometimes me and my other friends would puke cos of their lovely-doos and cuddly attitude towards each other.

Seeing them so happy had me thinking: I need to find a man. I want THAT. I want to make my friend nauseous by having to spend every waking moment with someone who adores and loves me.

That was over a month ago.

Why, you ask?

Because Friend 1 broke up with friend 2 a few weeks ago. She told him that she had fallen out of love. Nobody saw it coming. I didn't. I was shocked as hell when she told me that they had broken up. Apparently, she's been feeling it for a few months. She just didn't want to break up with him cos she thought she couldn't do any better.

I saw friend 2 after their break up. He was a total mess. I think he's suicidal but I don't want to think too much about that. Bee was with Friend2 and he told me that the night Friend 1 broke up Friend 2, he punched his car window and he had to be driven to a hospital. He didn't see it coming either.

Another punch in the gut for Friend 2 was when just after a couple of weeks of being broken up, the news of Friend 1 seeing someone else reached him. Friend 1 wanted me to tell him.

"I'd rather not. I think it's better if it came from you."

So she did. She told him she met a new guy and she's fallen in love with him and that she's never been so happy her entire life.

A serious slap in the face.

Then last Tuesday when I was working, Friend 2 came in to visit. I was asking him how he's been when I saw the cuts in his arm.

He was leaning on the sneezeguard and I noticed it straight away.

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

He pulled away quickly but my eyes started to swell up. I had a major lump in my throat because I've never seen anyone so shattered my whole life. We weren't close but since he hung around with us, I've bonded with him. I can't look at him. It's absolutely painful. Four years had been gone just like that.

Naturally, I had to tell someone. I think Friend 1 deserves to know that her ex-boyfriend planned to kill himself when she told him she has a new boyfriend.

When I spoke to her about what happened, all these negative things about Friend 2 started pouring out of her mouth:

He never tells me I look great. Even when I try to look good for him whenever we go on dates, he never tells me I'm beautiful.

He's always around too much. I need my own space. I need my own time. I don't want him hanging around too much.

He breathes down my neck. I seriously don't want him screening my mobile phone to see whether some guy is asking me out for a date. Jesus, doesn't he trust me?

He doesn't apologise. Whenever we would have an argument, he has to be always right. I am the one who has to say sorry and do some serious ass-kissing for us to be ok again.

I'm fed up Nikki.

"Then why did you stick around for too long?" I just had to ask.

Because I thought I couldn't do better.

That pained me. This girl's self-esteem had hit rock bottom. Let me tell you, she is stunning. But she thought that she should settle for him though she doesn't love him because nobody would want her.

She didn't stick around because of pity. She just didn't want to be alone.

She'd rather be with someone she doesn't love than be alone.

Now, I understand where she's coming from. I know how she feels. I'm scared of being alone. I need someone to take care of me. I'm stupid that way but that's me. I need a boyfriend 24/7 to tell me what to do and to look after me.

But now, I don't think I want to be that kind of girl anymore. I guess it's true that you can see more clearly when it's not happening to you. Her attitude towards relationship is exactly like mine and I was seeing it for the first time.

I can't be like that.

So I told Mark that I want to try to be independent. To be free to do whatever I want. To be happy with just being by myself. To bitch about the opposite sex. To try to be bitter about being single. To be depressed for not having a date on a Friday night. To spend every moment with my friends. To be a third wheel.

"I just got out from a really serious relationship and I don't want you to be the rebound guy. You're too special for me to hurt you in any way. I'm still in love with him and I don't think it'll go away. I just need to find out what my feelings towards him are before I do anything else."

He was wonderful. He told me that he knew I'm having a hard time in terms of my ex-boyfriend having a girlfriend and all. And he knew that my thing with my ex-boyfriend is far from over.

"I can just be your booty call if you like."

Yeah, as if.

Thank you, Mark. You are a wonderful, wonderful person.