Coffee at five AM

I gave up sleeping altogether. After tossing and turning at five AM, I gave up. The sun was almost up and I still haven't had a single wink of sleep. Screw this, I told myself. I'd have enough time to sleep when I'm dead.

So I got up, took a shower and drove towards the broadwater and watch the sunrise.

I was thinking about my mess of a love life when my mobile phone beeped. An SMS from Mark asking me if I'd fancy a cup of coffee.

"I just had coffee. What made you text me at this ungodly hour of six?"

"Gut feeling that you won't be able to sleep after what you and your ex-boyfriend were talking about last night"

"Total confusion though :("

"It's not confusing. It's clear. It's just upto you to read through it, Nikki"

"Want to come over? We can have breakfast together"

Half an hour later, he was there. Kissed me on the forehead and went to order his breakfast. I felt like I haven't seen him for so long. My mind had been so consumed with my dilemma that I had forgotten all about him.

Naughty, naughty girl.

The thing about Mark is that he never tells me what he want from our relationship. He takes it one step at a time. I can't stay mad at him and he knows the deal about me and my ex-boyfriend. I asked him if he was scared that I may go back to my ex once I get to Manila.

"If you did, I would like you more. Because that's what I've been telling you since we met, be honest to yourself. Don't worry about what other people might think. It's your happiness and it's your life."

The thing is, no matter what I decide on, I can't be 100% happy about it.

Selfish much, Nikki?

I want to patch things up with my ex so badly it hurts. I really do. Instincts tell me that once I see him I would forget everything that had happened.

But do I really want to go down that road again?

Mark is a wonderful guy. He takes care of me and he's there 24/7. He's a little smothering at times but I can definitely work with him. I went shopping with him on Monday and we had so much fun looking through toys and books. Whenever I'm with him, I can't think of anything else. But as soon as he leaves me, my mind goes back to my ex and the pain that usually accompanies my thoughts of him returns.

I'm beating myself up. That's why I can't commit with Mark now. I'm not sure on what to do.

All I know is, I can't be with my ex if he's still with his girl. Just want to clear that.

Bernie thinks I'd sink that low. I won't. The only thing that keeps me going with my ex is the fact that I know he still loves me. But if he makes it clear that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, I'd walk. I can't stand watching him looking happy. But come to think of it, that's what I do too. We are both exactly the same. Neither of us wanted to give our Significant Other up.

I'm having a hard time with everything. I'm having dinner with Mark tonight, a pre-Business Stats exam treat for me. What a sweetie.

If only I can take a piece of Mark and a piece of my Ex and put them together in one package, I'd be a happy girl.

But I love my ex.

I'm completely falling in love with Mark.

And there's no invention that would help me with my problems.

Why do I have to be stuck in the year 2004???