I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

The song has been constantly in my head for some unknown reason.. I don't know why but I'm feeling rather down these past few days. Things with Johnson [Rick] is doing well. I'm excited to going back to uni [can you smell my geekiness from wherever you are?]. I have an interview with an international hotel for next week and mum and Uncle stopped bugging me to pay the bills since I still don't have a job - but somehow, I'm bugged.

It's not the weather, sure it's cold but I'll live. It's not the stress of uni, I don't have oral presentations this semester which is great. It's not my out-of-the-workforce status because I don't feel like a total bum just yet. It's definitely not my lack of lovelife because Johnson is making me smile these days. It's not friends because though they act like idiots, we still manage to have good times. It's not my mum because she sees that uni is still my top priority.

I think it's because I haven't been in contact with my dad for so long. I should try but I don't want to. I'm pretty upset and disappointed in him for not calling me nor texting me on my twenty-first [I bet ya'll didn't know that]. A part of me is telling me to call him to see if he's ok but another part of me tells me that I should wait and maybe he'll remember that he has a daughter down under.

I miss my dad, I really do but I'm not going to beg for attention - never been my style. If he wants to get in contact, hi. If not, I'll live. I'm too cynical but what you see is what you get with Nikki.

I'm mad, yes.
I'm hurt, yes.
I'm bitter, yes.
I'm worried, yes.
I'm disappointed, yes.

This ends now.


More on Johnson

I love how things are going between me and him. Him and me. Me and him. It's too couplish. I like it. I have no idea what he saw in me.

"You know what I love about you? You. I love you"

How can you not love him back?

The poor fellow is working all day everyday that I'm getting worried. We don't have much time to talk and see each other as I started my uni and he's doing his more than fair share of work. Tomorrow is his day off so I'm hoping that I get to spend time with him. I can't wait to see him. Every now and then I feel a tiny bit of reservation about our relationship.

Am I up to having another long-term relationship with someone?
Do I see myself giving up my goals and aspiration for him?
Am I going to play What-Ifs if I decided to give up what I want?
Am I going to be a happier person if I do give it up?

Heaps of reservations but I'm not ready to end it just yet. Told her that I think I may be falling for the guy - bad. I don't want to fall because falling in love comes with a lot of baggage [the cynic in me is telling me to dump him]. I promised myself that I won't invest emotionally on a relationship unless I'm really sure that it is what I want. I've stressed it enough that I know what I want and I'll do everything to get it. I'm a very stubborn person and I can be a total bitch if I don't get what I want.

I've been working my ass off to finish my degree so I can study my postgraduate and move to Melbourne to start off my career. Been applying to international hotel chains left and right just so I can gain experience and would be totally competent by the time I start my corporate life in Victoria. I know what I want and I'll get it - even if it kills me.

So yeah, I have no time for love right now.

But plenty of time for flirting and kissing and hanging out with a gorgeous guy - aka Johnson.

He tells me he loves me - I don't not love him but I don't love him as well if that makes sense. I'm falling, fair enough but I can still do something about that.

Question: Why am I thinking too far ahead when I've only gone out with him for three months?

Mainly because he's old - for me. He's in his stage in his life that he wanted to settle down, have lots of babies and have a wife waiting for him when he gets home from work. He's been keen on having a baby and now that we're together, I know he's toying with the possibility that he might end up with me. He knows what I want. He's not pressuring me. He tells me couples can still be happy without kids [hinting that if I decided to move to Melbourne, he'll eventually follow me but he'll be pretty old by the time I decided I wanted kids].

I like hanging out with him. He's fun to be with and I like the way he looks at me. But somehow he got comfy around me too fast. I know it's a good thing but I want the passion - bad.

Food shopping is something married couples do.
Watching news is something married couples do.
Lying on the couch watching DVDs is something married couples do.
Him cooking dinner for me is something married couples do.
Picking out his clothes for him is something married couples do.

"The fact that we still want to be around each other, that's amazing."

A message from him after I told him that I think we are already past the stage where we can't keep our hands off each other.

"The man's gotta point, Nikki," B said.

I know he does. Wise man.

I want to be around him too. I do. I just hope we can do stuff that I wanted to do like going clubbing together - no scratch that, he can't drink and drive. He has to go to court for drink driving [still mad at him because of that].

I want to go wall-climbing with him but now I can't because he works on weekends.
I want him to teach me how to drive a manual transmission - he doesn't want to because apparently, I can't drive. Bitch.
I want him to teach me a thing or two about cars - he can't be bothered because he likes the fact that I'm dumb with cars, it makes you girly.
I want him to eat junk foods with me - he doesn't eat junk food.

Our schedules revolve around his work, my uni and my job hunting. The only time we get to spend time together is during his day off but he's too tired to do anything - poor fellow.

I don't want to pressure him to doing stuff that he's not up for. I'm not a monster.

I'm just starting to realise again that relationships do come with baggage - and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm putting up with it because I want him in my life.

But not enough to make huge sacrifices - just want to be clear on that.


Week 1 - done.


My first week at uni is finished. Phew. I survived.

Looking at the course outlines gives me the thrills. I have a lot of group assessments this semester and none of them involve oral presentation.

Why am I happy? Because of two reasons:

I love working in groups. Gives me the chance to meet new people and hang out with them for the whole semester.

I hate public speaking. I loathe it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

So all I have to do now is look for groupmates interesting and driven enough to spend my thirteen weeks at uni with - that should be a breeze considering the fact that my uni's business school is filled with international students from Europe and South America. Sweet.


I love being an undergrad student - but I'll love it more if I were to be doing my postgrad instead.

Two more years, Nikki. Two more years.


Was just a pie

This story cracked me up. Oz and Nick had a fight the other night. Apparently, it started when Oz started touching the hostess at a nightclub and Nick telling him to back off. Oz cracked the shits and from then on they were on each other's nerves.

Later that night, Oz decided he wanted to go home but Nick didn't want to just yet. So Oz was asking Nick for the house keys and Nick winged about wanting to get something to eat first cos he was hungry. Oz, already bought a pie for himself, threw the pie at Nick which led to Nick pushing him to the ground with Oz falling over. The scream fight started and Nick wanted Oz to move out. Oz wanted to look for a place to stay cos he reckoned that their frienship was no longer repairable. He then wrote a letter to Nick saying that they've been friends for so long and that they shouldn't let a bitter row break them apart.

What cracked me up was this line,

Mate, it was just a fucken pie.

They patched things up. I'm never worried about their friendship. They fight, one has to leave for a while. One has to sook for a while. One has to reach out. The other has to compromise and both go clubbing the next night.

Right now, as I blog, they're over at Surfers making an ass out of themselves.

Hay, boys nga naman.