The boo boos still won't go away

The guilt that I've been feeling these past few days still lingers in my head.

My life definitely likes dramas.

I can't go a month without one.

It's like a bad pimple on a face.

Or a fly on a pile of crap.

Or a bee to a hive.

It just won't go away.

Do you believe in karma? Because I do. I believe that whatever it is that you do to other people, it will eventually get back to you. Positive or otherwise.

I was happy at the beginning of the year. I moved on from all the crap that I put up with last year and started fresh. A new person broke out and I was quite happy with it.

Until I started losing interest in things that mattered to me last year. Things that I promised myself I wanted to keep.

Like keeping in contact with my relatives overseas. I promised myself that I'd call them at least once a fortnight to see how they're going.

Or keep a job that would be good for me in the future. I told myself that I want a job - any job that will help me out with keeping me happy for a long time. Well, that didn't pan out. Three times.

Or fall ridiculously in love. I've given up on love a long time ago. I go on dates. I hook up and I have a mad time. To me, it's all about having fun and not letting anyone close - at least, not yet.

I do miss having someone take care of me once in a while. Or have someone call me during the day just to see how I'm doing. Or someone knocking on my door because they just want to see me. Or someone doing a really sweet gesture for me.

Now, all I have are weekends in a club filled with drunk people partying hard because they haven't quite figured out what they want to do with their lives. People like me.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. If you're happy with what you're doing, do it. But sometimes you kind of get over it and assess yourself.

I'm not drowning on self-pity. It's never been my thing. Growing up, my mum told me time and time again that there are people whose lives are far more complicated. And she's right. So I don't sit around thinking, poor me.

I do have the occasional have-you-seen-my-ego-lately? moments, I'm not going to lie. It sucks that on some days you feel, unwanted, rejected, unloved, etcetera. But I bounce right back. I always do.

I'm trying hard to get my life together. To sit and focus on what really matters to me.

Losing a sister had taught me that life is too short. You can't waste a day just by lazing around in your house. Because one day, you would have to leave.

I remember my sister telling me that I need to sort out my life. To make up my mind on what I want to do and stick with, for crying out loud [her exact words]. I told her that I'm young and I deserve to act young.

She then told me how lucky I am to have been given the chance to choose. The chance to choose to act young and irresponsible.

Other people don't have that choice, Nikki, she said.

Now she's gone and everything that she told me came rushing back. She's right. I need to sort out my life. Figure out what I want to do once and for all.

I haven't quite figured out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to write. I wanted to be a writer since God knows when. Mum told me that I chose a book over a doll. I love reading books - of any kind. I spent my spare time in a library. I can get lost in a bookshop and come out of there with a smile on my face and bloodshot eyes. The best time in college was when my class was making a movie and I was writing the script for the group. It didn't feel like work. It felt like a hobby. A hobby that you won't get bored doing over and over.

I, again, am confusing myself. Now that I put it out in the open, I know I'll be thinking about it again. The thing is, I know I'll be good at it. But as mum said, passion isn't enough to make ends meet.

And unfortunately enough, I'm living in a world where people work to make ends meet. I guess working in a hospitality industry wouldn't be so bad. You get paid every week and get on with your life. The only thing is, it gets so repetitive it bores the living daylights out of me. Plus, I need to convince myself that it isn't so bad. So I guess, it is bad. I don't know.

I don't want to be messed up. And I know I'm not - yet. I've been really good this past week. I didn't get drunk and I mostly stayed home sleeping on my bed.

I used to think that my siblings didn't give me anything but heartache and a chance to blast at my dad for not always being there. But I guess I was wrong. They did give me something.

The gave me the chance to think, really think about what I want and how I'm living my life.

And I think that compensates the misery and disappointments I got from them. Because I know I can't do anything about what happened in the past. But they made me look into my future.

And most importantly, they gave me my dad back.