Ok meeting Tim Tam after I said I'm happy with my boyfriend is a tad confusing

But hear me out.

We were both online on Friday night.

Since I swore off clubbing altogether [read previous entry], I had the weekend to myself.

I'm back to being a boring Nikki. The one who devotes all her attention to her parents, her boyfriend and to her proved more than once best friend.

So anyway, back to the story;

We were both online. He told me that he had the house all to himself. I told him that it sucked to be him and that he should just throw a party and invite some of his mates over.

He said nah. He couldn't be bothered and it takes too much effort to buy the alcohol and organise something with his friends.

Righto, so he said that he had an idea but he knew that he will get shut down anyway so he just wouldn't bother.

Now, I don't know if it was the boredom that was settling in on me at the time or it was his anxiousness that made me ask why - even though I knew what he had in mind.

But I did ask anyway, just to humour him.

He said for me to come over. To watch a dvd and to catch up.

I told him ages ago that we should just be friends. That we tried organising for us to catch up for weeks now and it just didn't pan out.

He said it was cool for us to be friends.

It was a long a shot for you to be my girlfriend anyway, he said.

That's right. It is a long shot. Because I'm 21. 22 this year.

And he's 19. I'm too young to be a cradlesnatcher.

Anyway, so I thought "just friends" was still on.

Until...

There's something I need to tell you if you do come over, he started.

I'm going to try to make the moves on you, Nikki, he added.

What happened to just friends, I asked.

I'm still attracted to you. I still feel strongly about you, I don't know why, he whined.

Everyday I think about that night we hooked up, he continued.

Well, I guess I won't come over then. Because if I did then I'd be in a terrible position, I said.

Yeah, I guess, he answered.

I was about to log off. Then he asked if we can just snuggle while watching dvd.

I said yes.

It's just a cuddle, what harm can it do, I reasoned.

So I jumped in my car and went over to his house.

I wasn't even nervous as I knew that we weren't going to do anything.

I was keen to be friends with him. It's been too long since I had any guy friends without them wanting to jump in my pants.

He welcomed me with a "come here you.." hug. Really tight. I felt him smelled my hair too.

That would've been the first sign of trouble. But I pushed through. I took off my thongs and followed him in the house.

He gave me the tour of his house. From the kitchen to the bar to the stairs [his attempt to lighten the mood] to his room.

Excuse the mess, he mumbled.

Sign of trouble number two; I figured if you're keen enough to have a girl over, at least clean your room.

But no, stubborn Nikki still stayed.

We're friends, I shouldn't judge him on his hygiene, I reasoned.

He then turned off the light. Sign of trouble number three was going full force.

I flicked the idea. It can't be. He did say we're hanging out as mates.

Then he lighted the candles. Even I couldn't ignore that.

Umm, Tim? What are you doing, I asked.

Just lighting an incense, he said.

Is this your way of seducing me? Cos I'm telling you it's not working, I teased.

I know that. A girl like you can not be seduced. That's why it makes me want you even more, he whispered.

He leaned forward to kiss me on the lips. Wrapping his arms around my body.

This is so cool, he said. His voice hoarse.

I can't believe you are here. In my house, on my bed, he added.

He then leaned over to kiss my neck. Then gave me a back rub. Then blew air kisses on the back of my neck.

I almost surrendered. It was so easy to just lay back and let him seduce me. Just let him kiss me for all its worth. To just let him touch me everywhere.

So easy. But I have Emmett to think about now.

And it made me stop.

I've been single for so long I don't know how to go back to being a good girlfriend.

Truth be told, I would've gone further. I can find a few good reasons to fool around with Tim Tam. I can tell myself that I'm not ready to have a boyfriend. That I don't care about Emmett that much.

That it was in the heat of the moment.

I can even break up with Emmett and have a casual understanding with Tim Tam if I wanted to.

Sure, I would've gone further with Tim Tam. If it weren't for my growing affection for Emmett.

And that growing affection made me stop.

I pulled away from the kiss. Our eyes still half-closed.

What's the matter, he asked.

I have to go, I said.

I think you already got more than what you bargained for, I added.

So I got up, searched for my bag, my thongs, my phone and everything else that had gone missing and walked out the door.

I was already outside when I realised that he had followed me.

Hey can you do me a favour, he asked.

Can you just message me when you get home so I know that you got home alright, he said.

I walked to where he was standing and gave him a hug.

Hey take care of that hot ass, he teased.

Har har, I laughed.

We stayed outside for a bit just talking about cars. Well, he did all the talking. Plus he showed me his car. A done up one. It's got light in the trunk, plus really nice mags and spoilers.

I'm useless with cars. But he loves it.

Maybe one time I'll teach you to drive a manual, he offered.

Thought back when I plowed Mark's car on a roundabout.

No, that's ok, I said.

I drove off.

You might think I'm ashamed of what I did with Tim Tam.

But the truth is I was actually proud.

Proud of myself that I said no. That I didn't go further. That I wasn't as turned on as I would've been probably a month ago.

For the first time, a guy made me say no to hooking up. I haven't been serious with a guy for almost two years now.

I fell in love but it never really panned out. Two years of being emotionally alone. Of pushing guys who want to get close away because I'm too scared of getting hurt again.

Last year was the year of casuals, hook ups, one-nighters and clubbing.

This year will be angst-free, I said.

Then Emmett came along. And the casuals, the one-nighters, the hook ups and the clubbing all went away.

Just goes to show that Emmett is one hell of a guy.