When I bawl my eyes out

That's when he tells me he loves me.

I was feeling a bit iffy towards Emmet the past couple of days.

I don't know what's going on with me. My baby was sick for a whole week and all I think about is me.

Me. Me. Me.

How selfish can I be.

So yesterday when we were chatting, I brought up a very sensitive topic. Yeah, I am a bitch.

With him being tired, sick and grumpy, he blew up at me.

I don't know what's wrong with you. We were fine yesterday and now you're being difficult. Look, I need to sign off. I was feeling better this morning but I feel worse now, he typed pointedly.

I was shocked. Did I really push this guy's button? What came next scared me even more.

This patient, loving guy? This guy who never gets angry blew up at me. I must be THAT difficult for a guy like Emmet to get really upset.

Naturally, I spent the whole day trying to figure out how to make up with him.

I can't call him because he will push me away even more. Especially since he said that he will be the one to call me back.

I don't want to push myself towards him even more because it would get him more aggressive which will most definitely lead for him to say something really nasty.

I can't message him and tell him I'm sorry because that will give him an opportunity to tell me that all I ever do is say sorry but I never really meant them.

Hmm.. Think, Nikki, think.

So I left it at that. I never called him and never sent him a text for the rest of the day.

But not calling and texting him didn't help me get some sleep last night.

I was up all night thinking about what I should do. I don't want him to think I'm this difficult little spoiled brat that takes everything for granted and just makes everything difficult for everyone.

I was feeling terrible inside. I wanted to cry but I didn't know what I would be crying about. I brought it to myself. I needed to figure out how to make up to him without looking like a complete idiot.

This morning I woke and immdiately checked my phone. I saw the wallpaper of me and Bianca which indicates that there were no missed calls nor text messages received.

I sighed. I got up and put on my clothes. I went downstairs and brewed some coffee. Looking through the window and checking out our fish pond, I started procrastinating.

I have so many things to do today, I thought.

Do the laundry - sigh.

Wash Josh - double sigh.

Clean the house - triple sigh.

Patch things up with Emmet - I. Am. So. Totally. Out. Of. Breath.

At around 3pm. I couldn't hold it any longer.

I have to call him right now or I'll lose my mind, I thought.

So I grabbed my phone and called him.

He answered on the third ring. And hearing his voice almost broke my heart.

Hello, he said.

Not his usual; hello, panget.

Hearing that made me cry.

As soon as I heard his voice I bawled my eyes out. I told him how hurt I was that I made him feel even more sick when all I wanted was for him to feel better.

Even though we both know that I was looking for an excuse so I could escape his wrath, he let it go.

Because my tears were real. Although I wasn't crying for the right reason. They were real.

Because I will never be able to bear if he would lose my affection towards me just because I was being a brat.

I learned that. And me bawling my eyes out is enough for him to soften up.

He left a message on my voice mail after I hung up saying, don't be unhappy babe. Cheer up please.

And when he got ahold of me again he said, You know I love you heaps, right? I love you baby.

Those were the first time he actually uttered the words to me.

I love him too but I never really say it out loud. It's enough that I am the only one who knows that I love him.

He doesn't need to know yet.

Because just because I don't say doesn't mean I don't show it.

I cried over this guy. I'm scared to lose him because I think I actually let myself go.

He hasn't given me any reason to think that he might walk away.

Today had been enlightening. If I want to work this out with him, I need to grow up and not be immature about things.

I'm in a mature relationship with a mature guy. The least I can do is stop acting like a brat.