I'm not missing you

As Stacie Orrico says [also playing on the background],
Mark called me tonight straight after work.

It was weird because I saw his name and I almost didn't answer.

Almost.

But I answered. Because I know him way too well. He will just keep on calling til I actually pick up or turn off my phone. Then if I do the latter, he will call my home phone and wake the crap out of my parents.

So I picked up.

I can't talk now, I'm driving, I said. Hoping he'll get the hint and just hang up and not call me again.

Oh ok, well, I'll call you in twenty minutes then, he answered.

Fifteen minutes later, he called.

I picked up on the first ring.

What do you want, I snapped. I had no time and patience for him. I was tired and hungry and all I wanted to do was collapse on my bed and hibernate for twenty years.

I was just wondering if you want to go for a chat, he said.

A chat? At eleven thirty at night, I asked. You're crazy, I'm not going to chat with you at this time, not only is it past my bedtime, I just don't have anything to say to you, I said.

Why not, he asked. Ouch that hurt, he said.

Don't you miss me at all, he asked.

Actually I don't. You want to know the truth, I'm shitscared of seeing you again. Because I don't think we have anything in common. I want to move on and I think you should let me, I said.

Silence on the other end of the line.

Then a sob. Gasp! I made a guy cry. I made Mark cry. Again.

I hung my head. I didn't know what else to say and what else to do.

So I kept silent.

Finally, he said, Do you think if I can do that I did that ages ago?

I almost dropped my phone.

Damn him for marrying that girl. Damn him for moving to Sydney.

Damn him for wanting to come back to Gold Coast.

Damn him for making me waste a year and a half of my life.

Damn him for not letting go.

I said my good bye but still I'm thinking about what I should do.

I can't cut him out of my life altogether. But I don't want him to be a part of my life either.

I want us to be friends but it'll just be too hard.

I don't know where my feelings for him stand but I know I don't want to be with him.

But things had changed. I like this song, I think it reflects my feelings for him.

Only mine is not too vulgar and I wouldn't really say it to his face. But this song is the soundtrack of my current feelings for him.

I'm not Missing you
Stacie Orrico

I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was itNow here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over
What else could it be besides a cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to doI know

I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

(But) I'm not missing youI'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing youYou might have had me open
But I must be going becauseI got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
I'm not missingI'm not missing you

I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because (it's the best day of my life)
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you goneOh different, feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
I'm so over you
It ain't even a problem