Somebody is making me smile

Being single is great.

But being cared about by someone is beyond better.

Sure, I'm not over my ex. I'm not heartless and I could truly say that I loved him [still do] but the way we parted really broke my heart and there's no reason why I can't move on.

Especially if there is a guy who is more than willing to take my troubles away.

He's everything my ex is not. Not that I'm comparing the two but he is the exact opposite of my ex.

He's caring, sweet, thoughtful, considerate and totally attracted to me.

We met for lunch and coffee in Pacific Fair on Friday and his half hour break turned into one hour and a half. We were surprised that his work didn't call him asking for his whereabouts.

We talked about his family, where he grew up and what he does on his days off.

We talked about my background, my life and my plans for the future.

I was tired and quiet at first. But I warmed up after half an hour and stated joking around with him.

After we parted, he sent me a text saying how nice I am and how he finds me really really really pretty.

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face after that. We've been exchanging text messages ever since and we talk on the phone at least once a day.

He often messages me telling me how he's thinking about me and how he couldnt get me out of his head and how he never felt like this before.

I'm not saying he is going to be my next boyfriend because I do have trust issues [thank my ex boyfriend for that one] but I don't mind getting to know him.

He's a really nice guy and he's genuine. Last night he told me that I would meet everyone later on down the track.

I never even met my ex's mum and brothers. Nor his friends. And this guy is so proud of me he even talks about me to his brother.

But in all honestly, I still think about ex. It's hard not to think about him when I take the route going to his house every time I go to work.

Or I'm always on the look out because I'm shitscared of running into him.

I'm in the stage where I play different sorts of scenarios in my head. Like, what I'll do if I run into him or if he turns out to be Mr. Right Now's friend or if he bags himself a new girlfriend [which is very likely duh!] then he runs into me.

It's hard not to get paranoid about these sorts of things especially since Gold Coast is pretty small. But mainly I'm scared because I know that if I run into him, I'd just break down and cry.

I am such a loser! He cheated on me and yet I still have strong feelings for him. I want the pain to go away. I did 45 hours this week just to keep my mind off things.

I went on a mini-date just so I can distract myself. Ok I admit, I am kind of using this new guy to forget about my ex. I loved my ex so much I have to date someone else to move on. Otherwise if I face this myself, I'm pretty much fucked.

But it backfired on me because I'm starting to really like this new guy. I never expected this really.
I'm not breaking any rules. I'm single and ready to mingle [corny!] and I'm just doing what a twenty-something single person would do - play the field for a while.

I've been getting a lot of attention from guys since I became single and I don't mind it one bit because I know that when I sink back to relationshipdom again, I'd ignore every single advances and would become a devoted girlfriend and love him for all he's worth.

But to be honest, I am taking one step at a time. I like this new guy but I'm not ready to jump into another relationship again. It's hard to trust someone again and I can't love someone else if I'm still ridiculously hung up on my ex.

It won't be fair for him and for me as well.

I pray to God to give me the strength that I need to move on from the heartache. I turn to h\Him everytime I'm in bind. He makes me strong. He keeps me from self-destructing and He keeps me sane.

I know I'll be ok because the Big Man is there watching over me. And I know one day He'll give me someone who is right for me and who would love me unconditionally.

So I'm still hopeful. But this time around, I'm a bit more cautious because one thing I learned from this debacle is, if it's not meant for you, it will never be yours.

And I guess me ex will never be mine. I made my peace with it. I've accepted that we're over and I've accepted that he cheated on me. But being with hadn't been a waste of time.

He made me a better woman. Made me realise that no matter how much you want something, God gives you everything that you need - just not everything you want. I wanted him to be right for me. Prayed for us to get stronger but in the end, he isn't what I needed in my life and therefore, he had to go.

He also helped me realise that I am capable of loving someone beside myself. He made me love him so much that he became my top priority. My whole life revolved around him. I loved him so much I was happy just to see him for ten minutes.

I know for a fact that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally now. I accepted him for what he was. No questions asked. I was there, loved him for all he was worth without asking anything in return.

And it makes me feel alive and happy knowing that one day, I'll love someone again the way I loved him - only next time, the person will love me back just as much.