Stuff like this makes me scared of having babies

I always wanted to have babies. I guess I'm the kind of person that would drop my career to start a family.

But it has to be with someone I love. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

Not just a one night stand a la Ross and Rachel.

I don't want to bring a child into this world when I'm not ready. I definitely do not want my child to be a product of a drunken night and a five-year old condom.

So imagine my horror when my cousin in Manila gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. She's twenty one [she could be twenty turning twenty one], and she's a mum.

She's one of my favourite cousin in the world. We used to fight over boyfriends, phone usage, cigarettes and chores [the chores we fought on who gets to do 'em].

And we used to stay up late at nights just chatting about all sorts of stuff.

I remember Kuya J telling us, "you know you can sleep, you don't have to stay up and talk all the time.."

We are that close that people marvel the fact that after all these years, we still have something to talk about.

And it broke my heart when I found out she was pregnant. Not because I didn't want her to be happy but because I knew it was the end for her - what she could become.

But then it hit me, she may not be successful career-wise but I know she'll do well on being a mother.

She has the maternal instinct that I have yet to possess. She has the smothering persona in her.

I'm lucky if I remember to eat. But she's been taking care of kids since I can remember.

I need to be taken care of.

That's the difference between us, she'll be a good mum. I don't think I will.

And not being confident in that area makes me really scared of having babies of my own.

Ask me anything about sales and marketing, politics, world news, hollywood gossips, inflation rates and other stuff, I can dazzle you with intelligent remarks, but ask me about pregnancy and motherhood and domestic life, I can almost guarantee you that you would shake your head and feel sorry for me.

I don't think it's in me.

I told Emmet that I won't be ready til I'm twenty-six.

Why did we talk about it? Because another good friend of mine is expecting. And it is freaking her out.

She's not ready financially and emotionally and I don't know what she plans to do.

And I pray to God that whatever she does, I hope she won't regret it because it'll kill me if she regrets it down the track.

I won't be able to stand the heartache and seeing her go through it.

Maybe someday I'll be ready for a kid.

And when that time comes, that baby will be loved and cherished.