Things I need to do

I prayed to God that if he’s really not meant to be with me to help me get through this.

Then last night, I saw him. I was driving with Amber and I saw his car – right across the intersection.

He didn’t see us as we were driving Amber’s car. He was across the intersection on his way to work.

I felt like I’ve been shot. Seeing the number plate of the care made me realize that moving on will be much more difficult that I’d hoped.

There are so many things I want to say; so many questions I want to ask. So many things I wish I’d done differently.

Most of all, I’m hurting I lost a best friend.

I lost the person that made me feel like everything is going to be okay. Just the knowledge that he’ll be there for me whenever I get up in the morning was enough to help me get through the day.

Whenever I had a hard day at work, all I ever had to do was message him and he calls me and takes all the pain away.

He had a lot of shortcomings but so did I.

He’s put up with a lot of stuff; my constant nagging, my selfishness, my mood swings and my immaturity.

I caused him so much pain and I don’t blame for walking from me. I’ve been a really bad girlfriend and I deserve every single thing that’s coming my way now.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Who wants to talk to someone who doesn’t appreciate every single effort that he’s done?

I never learned to appreciate him. I just took him for granted and I was never satisfied with anything he’s done for me. I always wanted more and all his efforts always fell short.

I don’t think I want him back; this breakup made me realize that I need to be a better person. I need to be selfless and considerate and to learn to love the person unconditionally with no reservations.

Is it wrong for me to hope that he’d still call me? Even if he does call me, I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t know how I’d start.

I want him to be happy and to find the love or relationship he deserves. He deserves to be happy. To be with someone who will appreciate and would make him a better person. And I regret that I’m not that person suited for him.

I really thought he was the one.

The ring that he gave is sitting on my bedside table mocking me. I took it off as soon as I realized that it’s over.

I know I’ll get over him. Eventually, I’d get up and be sick and tired of wallowing. But right now, I’m drowning in self-pity and I’ve officially hit rock bottom.

I’ve lost my best friend and I have a job that I don’t really like.

I need to get my life back.