Am I depressed?

Are you depressed, Mum asked.

No.. Why, I said.

Because you're just walking around wallowing. You never move and you look like you haven't showered in days, she replied.

Love makes you do that. I hope you didn't have to experience it but it's part of growing up. I'm sorry he's gone but you need to move on, she added.

Then I caved in.

I bawled like a baby and clung onto my mother for dear life.

I don't think I can move on quickly. I think I love him, I cried.

Mum was just quiet.

She looked at me sympathetically.

I don't think you do, I think you're just hanging onto him cos you have no one in your life. I know you better than anyone else. You can't be alone. From Emmet to Regan and then now they're both gone and you can't handle it, she said.

I think she's right.

I'm terrified of being alone. I can't be happy by myself.

I'm not built to be one of those girls that enjoys life without boyfriends.

I need my snuggles, my kisses, my phone conversations, my hugs, my fights.

No matter how hard I try, the idea of being single terrifies me.

I don't even want them in my head.

Last Saturday, I got drunk (more like shitfaced) and kissed a friend. Now he's asking me out probably hoping to get into my pants.

Which I'm not prepared to do.

I always do this to myself.

I'm doing the best that I can not to message Regan. There's no point to put myself out there because I know rejection will come next. Then, further heartaches.

I asked a friend if I should text him. He said to leave it alone.

Nothing good will come out of it.

And I trust him.

Because deep down I know it's over. It'll never happen and I'll never be with him.

And as much as I want him to be my boyfriend right now, it's just not possible.

The sooner I get that to my head, the better.

So now, Mum's buying me a ticket to go to Manila for a month to mend my broken heart.