My life be like...

I feel like such an idiot.

I know that this thing [whatever it, fling, casual, etc..] doesn't have a future and yet I still went through with it and faced the situation head on.

Why do I always do this to myself? It's like guys around me aren't enough, I have to jerk myself around to.

These guys around me fuck me over so many times, you'd think it'll stop there. You'd think I'd have enough common sense to stop and think, "hmm.. wait a minute. That dude broke my heart before why should I give him another chance."

But no, not Nikki. Oh no.

I could just imagine what these fucked up brain cells in my head talk about, "What should we do today to get Nikki even more messed up than she already is? Hmm.. I know, let's get her to meet up wth the guy who cheated on his girlfriend with Nikki. She knows that he won't stick around as he lives up north but let's fuck with her heart and mind and lead her to think that it could be something.."

But no. It's like I'm asking for it. It's like I stamped a "fuck me over please" on my forehead and I beg all the guys that care enough to get close to me to do so.

I'm never good with getting over exes, with starting new relationships and letting go of the past.

I try to avoid confrontations as much as I can. I try to ignore and phase people out just so I don't have to deal with messed up situations.

I hate dramas. I hate complications and I definitely hate heartaches.

Only I can try to get over two guys at the same.

Sounds whorish I know, but it's not like that.

When I get lonely I always need a rebound person to help me deal with the pain.

I always need a rebound guy.

Look back into my dating history and you'll find out.

There were Mark and Rick after my 3-year relationship ended.

Then after my 2 1/2 year relationship ended there was Regan and the Teacher that I went out on a couple of dates with.

I've noticed that as soon as a long-term relationship ends, the rebound guy leaves as well.

Mark left for Thailand and came back with his fiance.

Now Regan left for Darwin and he's not coming back.

But it's a pivotal moment in my life, because I know that the rebound guy always, always helps me get ready for the next person.

At the moment though, I'm feeling the pain of losing Regan. I'm feeling it so bad my throat gets dry and my heart gets heavy and eyes start watering.

The weird question: how can I be upset of losing something I never had?