Could've been guy

Geez, I just can't stop thinking about you.

I don't think this is love. You can't be in love with someone that quickly.

But I always think about you. I'm scared of texting you because I don't know how you will react.

I don't want to know that you probably don't think about me.

I really want to talk to you. Just to see how you are.

But my fear of rejection is stronger than my desire to chat with you.

As I said, I don't think I love you. I don't even know if we're a good match to start a relationship.

We taxied on the runway but we never achieved take off.

To me you will always be the one that got away.

The one that I just could not have.

That's also probably the reason why I want you so much.

Because I know I can't have you. Not now, not ever.

I'm writing this letter because I want to write down my feelings for you.

This is what I want to say.

Which I will never mail to you.

Which you will never receive.

But I want to document this moment as a proof that whatever it is that I'm feeling right now is real.

It feels so real.

It's not rebound and it's definitely not lust.

I don't know if it's love or maybe infatuation. Who knows.

But I've never felt an emotion this strong before.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of emotion it is. Because I can't quite put my finger on it.

I know that if we do talk, I won't be able to utter a single word about my feelings for you.

Knowing me, I would most definitely just sit there and listen to you rant or rave about your job, your new life and your new home.

I would just sit there with my phone in my ear willing myself to tell you how I feel.

I would talk myself into telling you how I feel. I could just see it now; I'll be in my room debating whether to tell you or not.

But I wouldn't.

I'm too much of a chicken to tell you.

That's why I'm writing this, so when I look back on my past, I can honestly say that I felt something.

With you.

You weren't just a hookup. To me, you will always be the guy that would make me ask the question: What could've been...

What coudl've been if you didn't leave?

What could've been if I didn't stand you up on that date that I invited you to?

What could've been if I answered your numerous phone calls as soon as you arrived from overseas?

What could've been if I started a relationship with you?

So many questions that I'm too afraid to ask.

You told me you were angry at yourself for falling into the trap everytime.

But I fell too.

I come running back to you everytime. I know it was for selfish reasons but it was you I always run back to.

No one else.

Now I'll be playing the what ifs and the what could've been for a very long time.

Because I just can't stop thinking about you.

Now I will never know how it would be like to be with you as your girlfriend or even as just a friend.

I lost my chance and that what I'm most sad about.

I could've done it differently.

I should've taken the chance when you were still here. When you were offering everything to me.

But since this chapter is closed, I wish you all the best in your life. And I hope you don't forget about me.

I know you're going places and you'll be successful as you are very driven.

And I know someday you'll find someone who will make you happy.

The same as I know I will find someone.

I don't know if things will ever happen between us but it's comforting to know that maybe in the future, it will.

I know the chances are very slim but the knowledge that one day we might cross paths again is so irritatingly sweet i'm smiling just thinking about it.

And at the moment, that's enough for me to move on.