The Ick Factor Pt. II

When someone told you how self absorbed you are, you tend to step back and reassess why he said that in the first place.

"I've always been a good friend. For the past two years, I've been there listening to you bitch about your lovelife. Moan about your career aspirations and groan about his lack of commitment."

"Then you told me you've broken up and I said to myself, Finally it's over. Then another guy comes into your life and the whole circus starts again"

"It's not fair. I've been listening to you. Now it's my turn to tell you something and you're not there. Not cool."

Those were the messages I received from one of my best friends.

I feel like such a shit. I'm a shit.

For the past two weeks, he's been calling me wanting to share his big news - that after eight months apart, he got back together with his girlfriend of seven years.

HE called me two weeks ago bursting with happiness with the news and I started my usual tirade; how I saw Regan and I'm confused. And I think I love him. And that I don't want him to leave.

And it went on for forty minutes.

Then when I was finish venting out, I said goodbye and hung up.

Yes, I know. I'm such a shit.

Then he tried again last week. He called to see if I wanted to come over to his house. He said he was cooking dinner for him and I.

"Nothing special. Just to catch up."

I said no because I was swamped with work. But I spent the hour while I was on the phone with him telling him how much I miss Regan.

And how I was considering going up north to visit Regan and how I can't call him because I'm too proud to make the first move.

And oh yeah, how much I miss Regan.

He sighed and said his goodbye.

Then last Sunday, he sent me an SMS asking if we can watch a movie.

I replied, can't tonight. have an early one tomorrow. PS, I don't think about Emmet anymore.

Last night I got what I deserved;

An email popped into my inbox at 10am.

That's it. I'm done. For the past two years I've listened to you bitch about Emmet's lack of commitment. His inability to be there for you when you need him and what-nots.

I've been a good friend but it seems that you're not being one. How selfish are you when you don't even notice that I don't message you anymore" You don't even notice that. Because you don't consider me as your friend.

When you broke up with Emmet, everyday I thought about you. How you were feeling. What you were thinking. Whether you were lonely or in pain. I was constantly, CONSTANTLY worried about you. But not once did you ask how I've been doing. Even when I was the one calling you the conversation always turns to Emmet or Regan or your shit of a job.

Last time I spoke to you. We talked for an hour and by the end of the conversation when you said goodbye I just hung up and you didn't even notice.

I'm done. I love you but I don't want to talk to you anymore. When and IF you're ready to be a good friend to me, I'm here and I'll listen to your apologies.

But until then, I don't think I can be your ear. It's tired...

Then the last words hit me like a ton of bricks.

" And I'm sick of it.."

I. Am. Such. A. Shit.

I sent him a reply almost immediately. I had a ton of work to do but I ignored everything. The email made me realise that the people around me that love me are the ones that matter to me.

"I'm sorry. I've been an asshole and I deserve every single thing that you said. All of them are true. I've been a selfish person. It's always been about me, me, me.

I don't know what to say. The email you sent summed up what you thought of me and it wasn't good. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I love you too much to let it go just like that.

If you can forgive me I promise I won't utter the names Emmet and Regan ever again. If you'll still have me as your friend, I'll try my best to give you my 120% attention.

I'm sorry. I sincerely apologise and I want you to know that the pain of losing Emmet and Regan is nothing compared to what I will feel if I lost you.

I'm sorry, please call me."

I went into panic mode when I didn't get a reply.

I calle him all day yesterday and all day today.

I finally gave in and called his work.

He called me and yelled at me, "are you insane? I'm at work. What do you want?"

I want to talk, I said.

He was quiet then, "you obviously didn't get my email. and you're calling me at work cos what happened now? Regan messaged and told you he loves you? OR Emmet called and asked you back?"

I felt like I've been slapped. Am I that bad?

No, I want to take out to the movies, I said.

He was silent, "I don't finish work til 12 tonight so I can't."

Oh ok, I said. Then I said my goodbye and hung up.

At 8 tonight he called.

"I asked to be let off early cos we need to talk. Come get me and we'll go to the movies."

Usually I'd let him wait for an hour but since I was already on thin ice I put on my shoes and fled.

I picked him and we were quiet. I never thought it would happen to us but it was really awkward.

Then he asked me if I got his email.

Yes, I said.

What did you think about it, he asked.

Then I cried.

I'm so sorry, I said.

I don't know what to say except sorry and that I'll try to be a better friend, I added.

You don't need to be a better friend. I just need for you to be there, he said.

Just ask once in a while what's happening with me, he continued.

Ok, so what's happening with you, I asked.

I got back together with her, he smiled.

His smile was like a dagger in my heart. Because that was the best news that he could ever get.

And the thought that he wanted me to be the first to know and I was too self absorbed to pay attention was more than I could take.

I started crying again.

I thought you would be happy, he said. He hugged me.

I am! Congratulations, I said.

I was going to tell him that I felt really bad for being too consumed about my problems to pay any attention to him but then that would be TALKING ABOUT ME.

At least when you go back home you'll have something to look forward to, I added.

Yeah about that, now that we're back together I don't know if I'm coming back here, he said.

So you're leaving for good, I asked.

Maybe, I'm not sure. It took me eight months to realise that she's the one. I don't want to lose her again, he replied.

A million thought rushed into my head.

He's leaving for good.

I won't get to see him again.

What am I going to do without him?

I can't lose a friend like him.

He's leaving me.

Then I stopped. Because all the thoughts were about how I'm feeling.

He obviously wants to be with her and he doesn't want to leave her again.

And I need to stop thinking about myself.

So though there were a lot of questions, I took a deep breath and said, Well I'm happy for you. This is what you really want and I'm glad that you're doing. You're definitely meant to be together and it's all happening for you. I'm glad.

That's not entirely true, he said.

I don't want to leave. You'll be useless without me. What are you going to do when I'm gone? You can call me overseas but who will finish off my wine when I have no space in the fridge?

I don't want to leave cos I'll be leaving you. You're my best friend. Ever since I met you I knew you'll be my best friend. Plus, Australia's been my home for almost ten years. But this is something I want to do.

When you get there at least you don't need to book a hotel room, you can crash in my place and I'll take you to places I know you'd like - malls.

We've been through a lot. Your stalker, your exes, Leo, the christmas party, the drunken nights, the clubbing days, the uni exams, assignments, heartaches.. a lot.

You can't turn away from that.

After that I knew we were ok.

But reading the email from him made me realise;

I'm a selfish, selfish person.

I need to change this before I lose the people that I actually love - my friends.

Because if that happens, I won't be able to take it.