The Ick Factor

I'm so disgusted at myself.

It's been two weeks and I still can't over it. I still can't stop thinking about him.

It's not like we shared anything meaningful. But it was to me. It was so special to me that I just can't stop thinking about him.

It's annoying me because I'm so ready to move on. To enjoy my life again. I've been going out with friends and been hitting clubs lately but it all seem so shallow. Like, I can be doing something better with my life.

He made me realise that I need to grow up. To start living like a woman in her mid-twenties.

Because that's what I am. An almost twenty four year old woman.

Not a girl. A woman.

A woman that needs to start living.

Enough moping and wallowing. Stop thinking about him, Nikki. It won't do you any good. I just can't believe how heavy my heart feels still.

We're not even together. We were never together. We weren't even friends.

I just wish he can do or say something that would really hurt my feelings.

Something that can just make me say, I was just seeing something in him that was never there.

Instead of being all nice and gentleman. I can't say anything bad about him.

I've got nothing.

To me, I find him perfect. Even his shortcomings, I can't stand being upset with him about those.

I wish the day would come that I can stop waiting for his texts and his calls.

Because it's making me feel really pathetic and disgusting.

I hate what I've become.

I can't seem to move on when I never really had a relationship with this guy.

I fell too fast - too hard.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

How did I let myself fall when I knew that he won't be there to catch me?