For some reason I woke up missing R today. I know, I know.. he's far away.. we never had a relationship, yada yada yada!

Trust me, I know.

Call me stupid, crazy or whatever but I just have this feeling that it's not over.

If only he would stop calling me telling me he misses me, then maybe I can forget about him.

It's hard to forget someone when you're the person he calls when he needs someone to talk to. I know what you're thinking, I should screen his calls and not reply to his texts.

But I can't do it. Something pulls me towards this crazy limbo and I just can't get out of it.

I kid you not, my heart skips a beat every time I talk to him. And I'm left with this lingering feeling of loneliness for days.

I spoke to him last week and until now, I'm missing him like crazy.

Maybe I'm just lonely.

Maybe I'm a masochist.

Maybe I'm having regrets.

Or maybe I'm just a damn child, who only wants what she can't have.

I don't want to be with him, all I want right now is to hug him, kiss him and have great laughs with him.

That's what I miss the most: us being stupid together.

Watching South Park and Family Guy until we pass out.

Or sometimes when we're feeling intellectual, Boston Legal and ER.

Or if we really don't have anything to do, Blade and Matrix trilogies.

Then we'll occasionally look at each other, checking each other out with that sly smile on our faces.

It's always like that with him.

Everyday is a first date.

Then we'd talk for hours on the phone. Ranting or raving about our day. But we never got together, I was never his girlfriend and he was never my boyfriend.

Then he left.

Three weeks later, I got a text saying he's moved interstate and he's not coming back.

I was broken for awhile but my pride got the best of me and never did I admit that I was sad.

I vowed never to forgive him for leaving without so much as a goodbye.

But then he called and said he was coming back to pack the rest of his stuff.

And we had our proper goodbye.

I'm left with no regrets and no reservations with heaps of memories to treasure.

But I do miss him. And I think about him.

More so these days.

When he told me he would've asked me to be his girlfriend I freaked out.

Because shoulda woulda coulda's aren't my cup of tea.

I never do what ifs wishful thinkings. And I certainly don't do regrets.

But I definitely do longing. And fault finding.

I'm very good at it.

I dunno, I just miss him.

Really bad.

I'm waiting for the moment when he tells me he's in love with someone else.

So then I can think of him as an asshole and then the moving on process can begin.

Because I can not find any fault in him.

And that's what's killing me.

Feeling right now: longing for him. I miss him so much it hurts.

Feels like: coleslaw that's past its used by date.

Listening to: Midnight train to Georgia (damn, I'm really channeling a broken girl!)

It's been awhile

Posted at 18 Oct

I'm a terrible daughter.

I haven't seen my dad for over three years.

That's a long time. He's over in Canada and I'm living in Australia.

We I can't find the time to go to Manila for a visit. Work's been taking up most of my time and I'm almost done with my degree.

Almost.

But lately, Dad's been making an extra effort to call me and to actually have a conversation with me.

But I've just been distant lately. Like I've been really busy with work that I don't really give a damn about anything else.

I feel terrible for dodging his calls but I really do not want to listen to him talk about his family in Canada.

His family - that I'm not a part of.

I feel bad for not talking to him and I know I should. I just couldn't bear to hear it.

I can't.

I maybe burning to hell for even thinking this but what else can I do?

I love my job

Posted at 19 September

That's what we are supposed to say to everyone who asked what it's like working for the company.

That the hours are long but it's worth it cos it's a really good environment to work for..

But it's become too, too political.

They plot everything to get someone down.

I'm not sure I want to work for someone like that..