No Regrets

There are things in my life that I regret. Mostly on the love department. I sometimes wish I haven't made this decision. I sometimes wish I have done that instead.. You know what I'm talking about. But the thing is, in the past few months, I have learned to not test the waters and just jump right in.

I want to be happy this year, I vowed.

So I went and tried to be happy. I opened myself up to the world. Am no longer a homebody. Uncle had been calling me a stranger over the past few days as I no longer stay that much in the house except to crash at night - or early morning. However you want to call it.

I love the drinking sessions every Friday night over at Nick's place. I love the all-girl's night out with Bernie, Tiana and Amber. I love getting to know guys at clubs. I sometimes hook up with them but I never go home with them. I'm not that open to the world if you know what I mean.

But the thing is, lately I feel like I've been doing a lot of things that I don't regret and it scares me. Things that I wouldn't even consider three years ago. Like going out with someone with a girlfriend. Or having strong feelings for someone who's engaged. Or hooking up with a perfect stranger. But I guess things change.

I'm single, I tell myself.

It's the truth. I can't take the emotional baggage that comes with having a relationship. Not yet anyway. I guess when you imagine someone so close to you set to walk down the aisle with someone else it kind of breaks your heart. Especially if you know that it could've been something special for the two of you. You learn to let go but you don't really. Somehow at the back of your head you still wish that he'll come back and give it - whatever it is a chance.

On the other hand, you feel grateful that you haven't met the right person for you because you are having so much fun partying, clubbing, hanging out with friends and busy with work and studies that you won't have time for a relationship anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is, there are things I've done before that I regret. But I'm done feeling guilty. I believe that I only have to answer to me. ME.

I'm done being uptight. I don't care what other people think. Maybe I still do, but not that much.

Last night I did something that I thought I'd regret. But I woke up this morning without an ounce of guilt in my body. It scares me. Have I become the person that I always hate or I'm just living it up? I'd like to think the latter. I don't want to be that person. I vow to never be like that. So far, I'm keeping my promise. I have Bernie to tell me if I've become that person. Just so I can sink right back to my old me before it gets too late.

So yeah, I don't regret doing what I did but at the same time I know it's wrong and I should stop it.

Before I hurt someone - including myself.