Am numb

I've told off a lot of people - my ex-boyfriend, my stalker ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, my sister and Muay Boy. They all have one thing in common. I told them to get the fuck out of my life. I did very little to even entertain their attempts to get in contact with me. I told them that I'm happy with my life and they should just move on with their sorry lives [except Muay Boy, I'm still a large part of his life]. Everytime I told someone off, I feel liberated. Free. Like I've done something really incredible. I walk around with a smile on my face because I finally got rid of that tiny speck in my eye - literally speaking, that annoying piece of shit who's sole purpose in life is to make mine a living hell.

So yeah, I've told off people. And now I'm telling someone off. Not in a bitchy kind of way. I just want to tell him that though kissing him had been fun and fooling around with him had been amazing and riding in his car had given me an adrenalin rush and looking at his amazing body sent tingles down my spine, I have to do what I think is the right thing to do..

Kiss him one last time, ride his car one last time, fool around with him one last time and perve at his sexy body one last time and I'll be off.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I've weighed things and what R can offer can be offered by other guys as well. Some guys who are more available, more desirable and ahem, closer to my age.

So I think I'm gona cut it off. I'd rather do it sooner rather than later. I don't know. I'm done weighing thing, I'm just in that stage where I'm convincing myself that I'm doing the right thing. A month and a half of fooling around isn't bad. I'm surprised we lasted that long.

He made me realise that fooling around with someone at work can be kinky - kidding. Am not. Am too.

I was supposed to see him today but I chickened out - that and the fact that B, Nick, Aussie and I woke up at 2pm.

Which brings me to

Aussie's 18th.

Last night was fun. I got to perve on Steven - Bernie's friend who's married to Bernie's other best friend. He's a cutie. All night, they were all bagging me for going out with an older man and how that older man has a girlfriend and a kid - the latter ain't true, by the way.

If you wanted to hook up with Nikki, you need to be attached, Nick said to one of Aussie's guests.

There's nothing wrong with hooking up with an older man Nikki, as long as the man doesn't have a girlfriend then it's fine, Steven told me earlier that night.

Hook up with him, he's got a girlfriend, Nick said of the couple sitting on the other table.

Leave. Me. Alone. As if my life isn't embarassing enough already.

But I suppose you do have to accept all the baggage that comes with what you do - even the constant bagging of your friends.

Yeah, he's the taboo territory I was talking about a month back. 'Nuff said.

Back to Aussie's 18th

Aussie was pissed drunk last night. I was trying for him to dance with me but he wouldn't. After what felt like the one millionth time of being turned down he finally told me why he doesn't want to dance.

I can't dance, he said.

Can you teach me how to dance, he asked.

I want you to teach me how to dance, he said.

Alrighty, then. I will.

After I'm through with you, you're gona get laid, I joked.

And he likes that.