Even a twenty-one year old person loves presents

In a form of cakes. Jewels. Food. Chocolates. Balloons. Make-ups. Clothes. Birthday Cards.

You name it. Had dinner over at Bernie's on Tuesday night. With Aussie, Nick, Amber and Tiana [James doesn't hang anymore as he thinks we hate him - we do but you know how it is]. Bernie cooked stirfry with noodles and made this yummy choco ripple cake [still feeling the calories, B]. I waited the final minute of me being twenty with my best friend. It was fun - no alcohol, no dramas, just us enjoying each other's company and just being an idiot [which comes out naturally].

I was on my way home when mum called me up on my mobile phone. Greeted me happy birthday but you could tell she was grumpy. She wanted to know my whereabouts but she couldn't get angry cos it was my birthday. I told her I was on my way home and I'll be home in twenty.

I got home, we got to talk for a couple of hours. Told her what I've been up to these past couple of weeks. I told her about this guy at work I'm secretly fooling around with - I can tell anything to mum. I love that woman. Of course she wasn't proud. Who would be? That's like watching her daughter on her way to being a skank. Told me to stop it. I will. That's why I'm quitting my job. I haven't told her that I'm quitting the job I wanted. But I have to leave. I'll just tell her I got fired [me spilling pink champagne on our mayor - she ought to understand it]. I'm still sussing things out but I'm not sure if I want to leave. I know I can't work with him - it'll be too hard especially since I'm beginning to really like this guy. But I just can't. Too much baggage.

Anyway, I went upstairs to my room and on my pillow sat a rectangular box with a bow on top. I wasn't expecting any gifts from them. After my eighteenth I kinda figured that that was it for them - no presents after shelling out money for my debut. But I was wrong. There sat a beautiful bracelet. The one I wanted to buy but was too stingy to shell out that amount of money. I know how much this must have cost them so I went downstairs and gave mum a hug.

I don't mind investing my money on jewels, Mum said.

Thank you.

I have that one person

Every single year, ever since we met, he is always the first person to greet me. When I turned seventeen, he stayed up til midnight so he can message me seventeen times - different messages - all sweet. I turned eighteen, he called me up at 11:59pm. He wanted to be the person on the other end of the line when I turned eighteen. He messaged me at ym nineteen times the following year telling me how much I mean to him. Last year, he called, he messaged, he YMd and he got all my friends to message me at exactly midnight. Cum twenty-first, here he is again. After months of not getting in contact with him, he messaged me at exactly 12 midnight to greet me happy birthday. Eunice, my best friend in Manila told me maybe he's still in love with me. Maybe it hasn't gone away after all these months.

You're stupid, he's got a girlfried who happens to be our friend too remember, I said.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, she said.

That doesn't mean he loves me, I countered.

The thing is, I'll always love this guy. Always. In him I felt special, loved and cherished - like every girl deserved. He doesn't judge. He's just there for me. Always and forever. I can't see myself being with him cos of the respect I have for the guy. I'd end up fucking up whatever it is if we ever got together. So I'll keep him at arm's length but at the same time, he'll always be in my heart.

Eunice tells me that she has strong feelings that he might still be in love me.. Even after all these time - we never went there officially. But I felt something. I just don't understand how a guy whom I've turned down can still be there for me. I don't deserve to be treated by him like that. He's too nice. It's him I run to everytime I have troubles. His phone I used when I ran out of credit so I can text my then boyfriend. His car I hopped into so I can go home in time to talk to my then boyfriend over the phone. No complaints from him, though. He was just happy being there for me. Hand and foot. I feel guilty but at the same time lucky.

What have I done to deserve such a good man in my life? Yes, he's got a girlfriend. And no, we're not best friends but somehow he's there. All these years. The least person I've expected to stick around stuck around. I love him for that.

I know now

The true meaning of friendship.

When it's your birthday and your best friend is on the verge of breaking down because she can't accept certain things that happened in her life - you just want to stick around to see how she's holding up.

When she's biting her lips to keep from crying just so you won't see her cry, you give her a supportive pat on the back just so she knows you have her back.

When she's smoking nonstop and heaves a heavy sigh, you smoke with her and heaves a heavy sigh yourself just so she knows she's not alone.

When she says she doesn't think she can do it, you rolled your eyes and tell her that you know she'll be alright just so she knows somebody has faith in her.

When she's online and hasn't been replying to your private messages, you offer to drive all the way to her house, with a pack of smokes, a bag of cake just so she has someone to binge with.

When she said she wanted to watch romantic comedies, you stopped by a service station to look for a gallon of ice cream just so you can feel fat and bloated together, at least.

When she sits there and just stares off at a space, blankly smoking, you just sit there with her without saying anything but the silence tells the whole story - that no matter what happens Bernie, I'm here.

I know she appreciates what I do, cause in return she had Thane saying yes to coming to my party! Hurrah!

Dry as a dessert

I realised I don't have a crush. Not since I got put off by German Guy's [aka Norsk] lack of hygiene. I don't have anyone making me get up in the morning - something to look forward to. Someone who makes me smile just by thinking about him.

I'm going to start looking. I want to have a silly crush on someone. Someone whom I know I can't have but won't admit to myself that I can't. I want to perve on him every single time I'm at uni or somewhere. Just so I have a reason to go to uni or go to work [ok, money and education are the primary reason but still.. i need a more exciting reason, right?].

I need me a crush.