I fell

When I said I wanted to have a crush, I meant just that - just a crush. I didn't say I want to fall in love. I didn't say I want to be in a relationship. I didn't say, "Come quick, I'm lonely, can you please sweep me off my feet?"

I never said those. But here I am, singing "beautiful day" and having the biggest smile on my face.

Once again, I'm happy.

Why? Because of someone.

Someone who made me smile. Made me laugh so much my cheekbones hurt. For affirming everything I said to him last night. For telling me he'd appreciate it if I don't hook up. For telling me I'm skinny [how lucky can i get, really?]. For telling me I blow his mind away - yep, they're cute words. But he has no idea how much that affected me. No idea at all.

I found my smile - he was hanging on to it all along.

I just realised how much I've been scared of being in a relationship. Telling myself, I'm single, I can do whatever it is I want. I don't like to get tied down. Them are still true. I wouldn't want to have kids yet. I still like to keep my options open and I'd still like to go clubbing and drink til I pass out every Friday night with my friends - but maybe, just maybe, I'm willing to open my door to someone really special. I found that person in him.

Thinking about it, now that I've given in, I have to think about the pros and cons of having him in my life before I fully get into it.

I like to weigh things. I like to know if the person is worth giving a chance or not. But most importantly, I like to know if whatever it is that we have is something that's being felt mutually.

So yeah, I'm still weighing things over. So far, there are a lot of cons and a few pros - one of 'em would be the way I feel about him when we're together. I can't stand the fact that I've built such an enormous wall just to be struck down by a bald, wall-climbing, car-loving person.

I feel free when I'm with you, he said.

Stop the movie dialogues. I like him just the way he is. He doesn't need to change. The moment I saw him at the HR office, I never really thought that the glance would morph into something so incredibly soothing. Something I want and need.

But I'm not even sure if he's something I want and need. Maybe I just need to be loved and cherished again - it's been too long. But I only want it to be him. So maybe it's him and not the loneliness talking. I don't know yet but I'm keen to find out.

A friend told me that she wanted security in a relationship. I feel safe around him. I feel happy and special and pretty.

When you decide to take the fall, the possibility of you falling flat is very high, my cousin said.

I'm falling and I know most probably I'll end up with a broken heart. But I can't not see him. I can't stop this even if I wanted to.

*Reading through my entry... Ugh, too cheesy*