I am weak

But my friends make me strong.

Last night, I begged Iris to come over to my house to hang out.

I didn't want to go clubbing as I was semi-over it. Now I don't see the point of going out and getting pissed and hooking up. I can say I've been there and I've done that.

I'm not going to rule out clubbing altogether though, I'm no nun.

Anyway, I like talking to her. She gives the best advices and she understands exactly where I'm coming from.

So I organised to pick her up at her house and drive over to Broadbeach to buy some alcohol then to head home and watch a couple of DVDs.

So we bought a six-pack of West Coast and a four-pack of Smirnoff Double Black.

Then we settled on the couch and watched Bruce Almighty and The Longest Yard.

Every now and then I would go outside and have a quick smoke while we talk about my break up with Emmet.

The girl is a master clown.

She made me laugh about stupid stuff and she completely took my mind off Emmet.

We talked about how breaking up with Emmet has more pros than cons.

At least now you can handle any kind of problems in a relationship, she said.

Irregardless of what kind of trials that come your way, at least now you know what to do and how to go about it, she added.

She has a point.

Because breaking up with my ex-boyfriend of three years did teach me something; if I can survive that nasty break up, I can do anything. And I did survive it. It took a while but I did it. Now no amount of heartache can make me stay in bed and sulk all day.

Then ending things with Mark [I can't really call it a break up cos we weren't officially together - ever] taught me to let go of someone totally special knowing that it will make everyone involved better off.

Having broken up with Johnson made me realise that no matter how perfect the person is; no matter how much money he's got saved up, how many houses he have under his name, never mind the fact that he drives a kick-ass car, if you're not feeling it, you just can't bring yourself to commit.

And now Emmet, he taught me one thing, that no matter how much you like someone, how much you care about the person and how much fun you have with him, if there are certain things about him that you just can't accept, it's really never going to work out.

And that's what happened with us. There is just one flaw in him that I just can't accept. I refuse to put up with and will never get used to.

So now you know what you really want in a guy. You've set the bar. You have specific standards so the next time a guy comes along, you know what you're looking for, Iris said.

I know what she's saying.

I also know deep down that I did the right thing.

I don't hate the guy, it's not his fault why I broke up with him. After careful assessment of what happened, I can say that it wouldn't be a bad thing if we became friends.

I'm just not sure if he would want to be friends with me though. Would you be friends with me if I broke up with you via text saying this;

Hey, guess you're pretty busy seeing as you don't reply to my messages. I'm just telling you that I'm done. I'm sorry but I've had it. I like you but it's just not worth it. I haven't seen you for a week now and we make plans but you stuff it up. I deserve better than that. Take care always and I wish you all the best.

Would you?

I wouldn't be friends with myself if I broke up with me that way.

I feel like a total shit for doing that to him. I've been contemplating on doing it for weeks now.

As much as I want to grab my mobile phone and dial his number and ask him to forget about what I've written on my text message to him, I can't.

It's done and somehow, I know we're both better off.

I just need to fill the lonely nights that would defintely come my way.

And somehow, my friends are doing a damn good job to make sure that I don't have an extra second thinking about him.


Twenty seconds of insanity

Last night, as Iris and I were driving home, she asked me to drive past Emmet's house. Just to see if he was home.

Well, he hasn't replied. It's either he had his phone on silent or he was low batt, she reasoned.

So if his car is in the house he would definitely have gotten your text message, there won't be any reason why he wouldn't reply, she added.

So I turned on his street.

I feel like I'm stalking him, I whined.

No, it's not stalking you just want to know if he's home, she said.

That is stalking, I laughed.

Let's bring out our night vision goggles while we're at it, I joked.

I stopped my car a couple of houses from his and switched off my headlights.

Now that's stalking, she said.

I drove past his house with my headlights off and slowed down as I checked out his car. Then I saw another car parked outside his house - a Jaguar.

Fuck, I shouted.

What, Iris asked.

His brother is in town, I said.

How do you know, she asked.

The Jaguar parked outside his house, that's his brother's car. The one who lives in Brisbane, his twin, I said.

That's probably why he hasn't been in contact with you that much, his brother is in town and of course he wants to spend time with his twin, Iris said.

This is a bad idea. We never should've done this, now I feel like a total shithead for dumping him, I whined.

Whoa, hang on, you didn't just decide for this now. You've been thinking about this for a while, she said.

As usual, she was right. It just so happens that his brother is in town when I broke up with him but it has nothing to do with him being on hiatus this week.

It has everything to do with him being on hiatus everytime I want some qt with my bf.

But I've never ever stalked a guy before.

At least that would be a good story to tell my grandkids in the future*.


I need a distraction

That's it. I will go back to the gym and lose more weight.

I want to lose another five kilos before my 22nd in July and another three before I go to Manila for Christmas.

Plus, I want to be silly in crush with someone. I don't want to have a boyfriend but I want to just be hopelessly in like with someone - just a silly crush that would make me get up in the morning to perve on him.

Sort of like Eco Guy and German Guy aka Norsk sagas.

I miss them days.

_________

* I onced drove past this boy's house just to see if he's home. Oh and I turned off my headlights too just to make sure that he doesn't see me checking on him.