There are certain things that I just want to think about

I love Emmet. I know I do. But I guess going out with someone with a different culture is really hard.

I tend to compare him to my old filipino boyfriends.

And I know it's not fair but I just can't seem to help myself.

I'm happy with him. At least I think I am. I don't regret being in a relationship with this man. I don't think that I could do any better. I want him in my life.

I honestly don't want to change anything. I just want to just enjoy my relationship with him.

But lately, I've been noticing a lot of flaws.

Like how unbelievably selfish he is. He could be so self-centered. He only thinks of himself and how it's just I, I, I and I.

I don't mind really. I love giving him attention and I love putting aside my feelings and accommodating his first.

It's no walk in the park. He doesn't know that it hurts me when he doesn't ask about my day and when he doesn't call me or message me.

But then I realise that I just can't expect him to just be there for me - all smiles. It won't fall into place.

We need to work it out.

Tonight, he waited for me til 11:45pm so he can pick me up and drop me off home.

But I knew he wasn't very happy. He asked me what happened to my car and how he wanted to sleep two hours before I called.

I felt absolutely guilty. But then when I asked him, he was cool about it. He just said that he was tired.

We basically drove home in silence. Except when I told him that my boss didn't approve my application for leave for Christmas.

Tell him to jam it, he said.

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting for him to say.

I know he was just tired and cranky but I'm beginning to get scared and I tend to watch what I say now.

I don't feel the closeness anymore. I feel like we've drifted away from each other since he started his job.

I'm happy that he doesn't have to worry about money anymore. I'm happy that he found confidence in his job.

I'm happy for him but I have this heavy feeling that it's either we get back to how we were before or we will completely drift apart.

And the latter hurts me just by thinking about it.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to this relationship just yet.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the one with the problem. That I'm the one who wants too much.

Who expects too much.

I don't want to lose him. But I have this unsettling feeling that we won't last. One year - tops.

I know it sounds mean that I'm putting a deadline but I just can't help myself.

It's better to face it now than later down the road when we're more involved.

I'll start to not get attached so when it's time to say goodbye, I won't get hurt as much.

I won't do anything to break us up. I'm still in love with him but I'm beginning to think that he'll just break my heart.

I don't mind getting broken hearted. Because this time, I'll be ready.