This is just going to be one long ramble

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't believe that someone - who supposedly loved me - can cast me aside like a piece of trash.

I've never felt so depressed in my whole life. There's a big lump in my throat that just won't go away.

I feel like any minute, I will break down and cry.

Even when driving, at uni, having dinner with my parents. The mind is very cruel. I would have images of him flashing in my mind and the tears well up in my eyes.

I have to take deep breaths to compose myself.

My mum looks on sympathetically offering sighs of support.

But no one can feel what I'm feeling right now. No one can understand.

Questions like; How can he do this? How can he just leave without telling me? How can he just turn around and walk away?

I know the old; everything happens for a reason. And if it comes back it's your if it doesn't it never was.

I really really loved him. It sucks cos I really thought he was the one. I look around the room, my house and everything reminds of him.

Our picture is still on top of the stereo that he gave me. The Havaianas still sitting prominently in my room. All our photos are still saved in my laptop. Photos are still in my phone.

But what good will it do when he doesn't talk to me anymore.

How can he just abandon me like that without saying anything?

I don't understand. How can someone be so heartless?

Especially to someone he supposedly loved?

I've been burnt so many times in the past, but this is the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life.

Someone said, being that miserable means that you deeply loved someone.

I'm so miserable right now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what I'm feeling. No can ever relate to what I'm feeling right now.

I feel like the whole world is opening up and eating me alive.

I haven't slept in three days.

I just lay awake on my bed til 7am wishing for the pain to just go away.

Then I drift off to sleep and wake up at 4pm wishing the day would soon end.

I never want to leave the house anymore. I just want to stay in my room in the darkness and think of how I could possibly deserve to be cast aside like this.

Images of me bumping into him kept haunting my head and I start to cry.

I did everything I could've possible done to reach him but he ignored me. That's what hurts the most.

The fact that he can look into his phone while I call and doesn't even pick up.

The fact that he can read all the text messages I sent begging him to talk to me and still won't do anything.

I know someday I'll get over this. I know I'll be able to look back and laugh about it.

But right now, all I want is for this to go away.

It made me so depressed and I don't even have anyone to talk about it. I lost him - my best friend.

I know he treated me badly by doing what he did but he was my best friend.

He told me he was going to call me soon - but he never did.

I finally had the courage to message him on monday and told him I give up.

That I at least deserved to know what's going on - but still nothing.

I told him I still loved him and hope he takes care of himself.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost and unloved. I never felt so rejected in my life.

My mum told me to at least have dignity and to not message him anymore.

I'm doing my best to try to move on from this.

But the thing, I don't know where to start. He had been a big part of my life. I saw him everyday. Share laughs with him every hour.

I really had good memories of him but now, I don't even want to be reminded of those - it's too painful. Too damn hard.

Mum doesn't want to see me cry but I can't help it. I've never cried this much in my life. How can you face your future knowing that the best thing that ever happened to you is gone?

And he won't come back?

He didn't even have the decency to tell me what's going on. He just left without saying anything.

I want to stay positive but it's too hard.

How do I do this???