What a big improvement a total rejection can give you

After two weeks of nonsleep, two weeks of crying, two weeks of dead appetite - I can finally look at his pictures without crying.

I guess that was the closure I needed.

The pain is still here and I don't think it's going away anytime soon - but now, my desire to move on is stronger than ever.

I refuse to be this rag doll that consumed me for the past two weeks. The rag doll that never ate, never saw her friends, never left the bedroom - and occasionally, never showered.

I know it's hard. I'm still very angry, but I'm slowly taking the high road and moving on.

When I play the scenes in my head - if I run into him, I always imagined me breaking down and cry and just be miserable. But now, I imagine myself, telling him that he was too late. And that I refuse to be walked all over by the same person.

A part of me wants to see him and to hear from him. But another part of me is somewhat happy that this happened.

That I finally got woken up and realise that he wasn't the one for me. As I said before, I'm taking things one step at a time.

There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed and all I want to do is just sulk. But I can't live like this forever.

I have a job to go to, I have a family to reassure that I haven't lost my mind, I have friends that I need to catch up with and most of all - I have a life to live.

The two weeks had been hard for me. I seriously thought I couldn't handle it. I've been bringing everybody down. My parents are extremely worried about my health. My friends are worried that I would self-destruct.

Amber said I looked like I've been running after ten kids - because I have big bags under my eyes and I haven't washed my hair.

Iris is begging for me to sleep. Both girls came to visit tonight.

Mum is begging for me to please eat. And at least get out of the house - I was scared of running into him. I can't afford risking losing my mind and my calm in front of him.

But I'm not losing my mind. I won't. Because I know my parents, my friends and God will help me get through this.

I'm not going to be childish and return all the stuff that he had given me. After all, I loved the ring, the Havaianas floaters and the stereo.

But I already lost his numbers, his msn address, his myspace and his multiply.

I've deleted his photos in my phone but it's still saved in my laptop. I'm slowly getting over him.

It's lonely sometimes but at least I feel lonely when I'm really alone - not when I'm with someone but yet still feels lonely.

I managed to not cry at all today. Which is a big improvement.

I actually managed to get out of the house and went for a quick walk with Amber.

So yeah, a big improvement. It still hurts but I think I'll be ok.

And now, I can say that wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

I wish in two months' time, I don't hate him anymore.