Am having insomniac thoughts

Why am I still up at 4am? My eyes hurt from surfing the net and reading Perez Hilton.

I've watched four movies in a row.

I've surfed through YouTube and watched music videos after music videos.

I've compiled my niece's recitals in one big movie clip and will just burn it tomorrow.

I've seen Michael Jackson's 30th Anniversary Special three freaking times.

I hear Billie Jean, I want you back, The way you make me feel, Love you save and other Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson's songs in my head.

For some reason, I've been really really really down.

Everything is just going wrong.

Nothing is going right. I feel like as if someone is playing a cruel joke on me.

Like as if he has my diary, read my fears and slapping me on my face with it.

I could imagine; a big bark of tree with the words "Nikki's fears" written on it being swung by a black hooded man whose face you can't see.

And he was aiming to swing the bark right at me - waiting for me to get knocked the fuck out by it.

Then he waits for me to shake my head, pick myself up and move on, then he'll take the next swing - this time harder so I can lapse into a coma.

I've come to realize that this year has not been kind to me.

Hands down, the worst year ever actually.

How easy was it back when we were kids?

When all we ever cared about were TV shows, homeworks, friends, not eating vegetables, our parents letting us stay in the toy shop to drool on our favourite toy for five more minutes, getting the right toy in our happy meal, writing a letter to santa for our presents, making sure we had the most easter eggs, making sure we didn't eat before the big thanksgiving feast to make room for the delicious turkey and yams - you know, all the simple things we took for granted as kids?

Now, we worry about money, bills, lovelife, careers, politics, economy, petrol prices, environment, lay-offs, groceries, kids, education - and the list goes on.

I remember having to beg my mom for a sip of coke and how happy I used to get when she lets me.

Too much sugar, she used to say.

Drink your water, it keeps you hydrated, she said.

Funny how as a kid, your mother is there to tell you what to do - to guide you so you won't make wrong decisions in your life.

Then you grow up and you're left to deal with these sorts of things on your own.

She used to pick which dress I have to wear for Sunday Mass.

She tells me to speak up more.

To sit straight and not slouch.

To make sure my elbows don't touch the table when eating.

She tells me how to wear my hair.

She tells me to cover my mouth when yawning and saying "excuse me" after sneezing and coughing.

She tells me not, under any circumstances, to chew a gum because, "when you accidentally swallow it, you'll poop it out five years later."

And five years is a looong time, she used to say.

She tells me to let my nanny check my hair for head lice. Because if I don't let her, lice will hang onto my hair and take me away and my picture will end up on a milk carton.

She tells me to smile more because, "Santa counts the times you frown in one year and deducts the points from your nice list and you may not get the Pink Barbie Sports Car with Ken for Christmas."

She tells me to memorize the multiplication table because, "what happens if the President asks you, what is 8 times 9?" Even as a kid, I've been exposed to arithmetic!

She tells me, "no.. tiger is not the female version of lion!!!"

She tells me to not answer back to her because, "if you do, no sesame street for one week!!! Let's see how long you'll last without cookie monster!!"

She tells me not to threaten her with calling child services (after giving me a good smacking)because, "go ahead, call them so they can take me away and you can live with someone who will make you eat vegetables everyday for twenty five years. And twenty five years is a long time!"

Happy times!!

When I get sick, Mom would always make macaroni salad for me. It always used to cheer me up.

I may have a fever but I'm eating the best macaroni salad, I used to think to myself.

Now, I get sick and I have to drive myself to the doctor. Boo!

Of course you do get the ocassional beating. Mom used to chase me around the house with a wooden spoon. She'll hit me on my bottom and I will pretend, with all my strength, that it didn't hurt.

I remember I broke a vase one time and I blamed it on the dog. I told mom that a mouse got into the house and my dog chased it.

She looked at me. Apparently what gave me away was the animated way I was telling the story.

She didn't buy it one bit because, first, I hate rodents. I would've cringed if I was telling a story that involves a rodent.

Second, my dog never enters the house.

And what got me the beating wasn't the fact that I broke the vase.

It was because I lied.

I got the smack down I couldn't sit for two hours.

And as a kid, the only heartbreak you can ever really feel is the death of your pet.

Our driver ran over my own dog and I heard her wailing and crying and then passed out in front of me.

She literally died in front of me. It was so heartbreaking.

I cried for days. I miss her everytime.

She was a stupid dog. The cutest of them all!!

She would run around the yard waiting for dogs to walk past our house. Then she would start barking as soon as she sees one.

The other dog would bark back and she will run towards her doghouse and hide. She used to do it every afternoon.

Then she would run along the streets and she would fall over everytime she comes across a speed bump. She trips and hits her head on the pavement. Every single time!

As if she can't gauge the elevation of the pavement.

One time she fell over while her tongue was hanging out and she bit it.

We had to bring her to the vet.

She was lazy too. She became soo fat she started to develop athritis.

Mom had to buy her a treadmill so she can exercise! That was when treadmills just came out of the market.

God, she was spoiled!

These things remind me of how simple life is as a kid.

I wish it were simpler times.

Or a whole new year.

Damn, I can't wait for this year to be over.

Bring in the New Year please!!

I want to start a clean slate.

Feeling: Old and such an underachiever.

Listening to: Maybe It's Me - Krayzie Bone