When guilt bites you in the ass

There's nothing you can do.

You can act indifferent, sure.

But you also need to break down and just cry.

I am a horrible horrible person.

How I manage to have fun when the monster inside me is kicking and screaming and wanting to party is beyond me.

I've taken everything for granted. Laughed at people with misfortunes. Never caring what others would feel. Just doing the things that I like without thinking of the implications it would cause other people.

I had twenty one years to make peace with one person. To go online, book a flight to Canada and visit her.

I had twenty one years to pick up the phone and tell her I wasn't angry anymore.

I had twenty one years to tell her that no matter what, she was still my sister.

I had twenty one years to have a relationship with my nieces and nephews and my cousins.

I had twenty one years to log on to hotmail and send them an email. A monthly update of what's been going on with me and my life here in the Gold Coast.

I had twenty one years to send them greeting cards for their birthdays, Easter, Graduations and Christmas.

I had twenty one years to make my dad happy by agreeing to have lunch with my sister everytime she asked.

But I didn't even try.

Now she's no longer with us and it's killing me.

She passed away a few weeks ago and I didn't even find out til today. A letter from my dad confirmed that I really am a monster.

She was waiting for you. She wanted to call you, she tried actually but to no avail. We had her cremated the day after she passed.

While I was out quitting my job, getting drunk, hooking up and making a total mess out of my life, my dying sister was trying to call.

I thought back on all the private number phone calls that I received a few weeks back. I just let it ring because I wasn't in the mood to talk. Either that or I was too drunk to even answer.

If I had picked up, it would've changed everything. I would've been on the next flight to Ontario patching things up with her.

But no, I have too much pride in myself that I let it go.

When I found out she was dying I thought I was going to be ok with it. I didn't know her so it wouldn't affect me that much, right?

But I was wrong, I read the letter and my heart died. Thoughts of all the things I could've done came rushing to my head and I was left with remorse.

I hate myself for not being the bigger person. When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be a part of my dad's life. To be accepted as one of his children. To have sisters and brothers.

Then I started growing up and I realised it wasn't going to happen. I moved on but I turned into a very angry person.

I started being a smart-ass everytime they tried calling. Everytime they tell me that I need to sort out my life, I had a comment that cut really deep and we ended up in each other's throats.

My dad thought that keeping us apart would be the best way to go. So he did. I lived with my mum and they all lived their lives in Ontario.

A few of my sisters still tried reaching out. But I was too angry.

I found out she had a cancer and I just shrugged it off. I told dad that she'll be alright and that she'll outlive everyone. Dad begged me to come visit her. To just stay for a few weeks and patch things up with her.

I told him I was busy. With work, with uni and with my life.

I was too self-absorbed that I couldn't tear myself away from my life.

Then she died and the realisation that she wanted me as her sister and that she regretted everything that she's done and that she was begging dad to get in contact with me hit home.

Four million times.

This is, in fact, the worst day of my life.

When you have a lot of time in your hands

You tend to just pull out your camera phone and start snapping away. Since I have my hands full with doing absolutely nothing, I bummed around with Amber. We both quit our jobs and dedicated our free time with catching up on watching the OC.

You think I'm kidding? Ask her. I'm serious. We bummed around for three days now watching the second season of the Marissa-Ryan-Summer-Seth drama. I stopped watching when it aired as I was busy with work and Uni and now that I have nothing better to do, I decided to convert myself and be an avid fan.

I loved the OC. Did I fail to mention that? I know that in the US Season 3 is already out but we can't wait that long. Watching the reruns is the best we can do - for now.

That and bumming around.

You take too many photos, Nikki, Amber complained.

I can't help it. What's the point of having a camera phone if you're not going to use it, right?

My point exactly.

We are such posers, Amber said about the photos on my birthday letter to her.

When all you have at the moment is free time and seasons 1 and 2 of the OC and Amber Renee and calamari and chips and chocolate drink and aircon and a dvd player and a camera phone and two recliners and Bernie's empty house and a laptop, you tend to lose your mind too.

And I thought I did. Since I am a confessed poser, I started to play with myself [not in a dirty kind of way, mind you].

I was pissed off? I wasn't. I just pretended that I was.

I even took a shot of me strangling myself. How sad is that? Wait, don't answer that.

You tend to just really enjoy yourself when you see the ridiculous photos that you've taken.

Bernie joined in after.

Let's take a photo, I sang out. In a minute, she took out her hair tie and posed for my camera.

Nice.

Ok, now we're sad, Amber said.

That explains the puppy dog looks.

And now we're happy, I said. I've turned my girlfriends into camera whores. It's not my fault really. That's just how we are.

Ever since high school. We took cameras to school and snapped away. We had it developed and just share it around the group.

I really don't know what brought on our obsession with cameras but I like how it always turns out.

Mr. Brightside

The song that Amber made me like. Now it's stuck in my head and the words really hit home.

[ex boyfriend's name here] is Mr. Brightside, Amber said.

Mark is my Mr. Brightside, I thought.

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside

And it's his birthday tomorrow. I'm not sure what will happen when he comes for a visit.

Mum, Mark asked me to live in Sydney with him, I said.

Do you love him, she asked.

I want him to be my boyfriend but he's too far away, I replied.

Then, don't waste your time, she said.

Men shouldn't even make you think. They should just be there, she added.

I know but it's complicated, I argued.

Then he's not worth it, if you think it's complicated before it even gets complicated, you don't think he's worth fighting for, she countered.

So I shouldn't bother, I asked.

You only have to ask two questions, one, do you love him? Two, can you fight for him, she said.

I know the answer to the two questions.

Question 1: Yes, I love him.

Question 2: No, I can't fight for him.

He's too far away and you all know what happened the first and last time I had a long-distance relationship. I don't want to go there again. Especially with Mark. There's so much to lose.

So you know you have something special, Jewel said.

What do you mean, I asked.

Cos you don't want to gamble it. You know what you have is special and you're not willing to take the chance, she replied.

You don't want to be in a relationship with Mark because you know that there's so much to lose if things didn't work out, she added.

That's why you take risks, Nikki. He did, she said.

You know what's wrong with you, you like a challenge, Amber snapped.

You like the fact that you have to work hard to get what you want but when you get it, you fuck it off, she added.

You're always confused. From guys, to work, even on eating dinner you get confused, Bernie said.

Just take it one day at a time, my cousin Carlo said.

You wouldn't want to rush into things would you, he asked.

If the guy really likes you, he'll wait, he added.

But I think he's waited enough.

Yeah, it sucks that I'm 25 and my work is a bitch but the only thing that keeps me from being suicidal is you.

Yeah, it's not really romantic but I get what he means.

Do us all a favour and just be with him, make it your birthday present for him, he'll love it cos he loves you, J urged.

The thing is, after all that, I still can't bring myself to commit.

Well, well, well

My life is in shits again.

I quit my job. I hated it and I didn't want to go there anymore.

I can't tell my mum because she'll kill me.

I have to pretend I have a job.

I'm looking for a new one. One that isn't physically draining to me.

And I don't know what the hell is going on.

Once again, Nikki Angara had managed to fuck up her life without even trying.

I'm just going to lay here and die.

Excuse me for a minute.


When you don't know what to do with your life

I guess you just become a bum.

I always thought I wanted to work for the hospitality industry. But now I'm not too sure.

I know I need a job but I'm not going to invest my time and energy in something that I'm not really sure I want to do for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. I can't be a bum for the rest of my life. I have some bills to pay and some debt to think of. I'm not too sure if I'm heading the right direction but I know that I wasn't happy with my job.

Imagine this; indicating to turn left towards the direction of your work and you can't even drive towards it.

That's what I felt like.

I put my blinkers on I just couldn't do it. I can't. I took a different route going to my work and I couldn't do it still.

It's like something's telling me not to come in to work.

Or it's just my sorry excuse not to actually feel productive today. I wouldn't know.

But I'm dying to find out what's bothering me. I can't go on doing this. It's not healthy and it's not keeping me motivated.

I feel fat, I feel lost and most of all, I feel like a total hobo.


So yeah

Amber moved in. I haven't still.

I'm procrastinating whether I should or shouldn't move in. I don't know why. I was so excited about moving in and now I'm hesitant.

I'd give it three weeks. If I still don't feel motivated enough to get my sorry ass to look for a job then I'll take it as a sign - I'm not meant to grow up just yet.

Well, one thing's for sure, Mum'll sure be happy.

I always picture myself as a successful woman wearing a powersuit but how can I honestly be successful in my job if I don't like it.

I wouldn't want to be one of those losers who wake up in the morning, have five seconds in paradise and then realise that they have to go to work and do eight hours of labour for some company they don't really like working for but still helping them get richer and richer.

I sound cynical but I can't help it.

I'm 21 and I seriously need to figure out what I want to do with my life before it's too late.

I refuse to be 26 and still all confused and disoriented with no direction in where they're heading.

I'm too bitter I can actually taste it in my mouth.

Wham Bam!

Yesterday afternoon had us three girls going for coffee and talked about what went down the night before.

So we decided to meet up at the coffee shop along broadwater.

As I sat down, I saw an ultra cute guy working and told me Bernie that the guy was a tiny bit hot.

Amber came.

I think I've known him from somewhere, she said.

The grand, I replied.

He came over, stopped and looked.

You girls look familiar, he said.

Nikki and .... , he added.

Yep, he was friends with one of the guys I hooked up with the week before.

He was meant to hook up with Amber but I really don't know why that didn't pan out.

He then asked me what happened on the night I hooked up with his friend.

Please, she was wearing her beer goggles, Amber said.

We just dropped him off, nothing happened, I added. Was covering my face the entire time we were talking.

Is that the walk of shame, he asked.

Yeah, pretty much, I replied.

It was weird having to bump into people you hooked up or even remotely related to the people you hooked up with.

You'd think that after the night you had, you won't see them again, but Gold Coast is pretty small. You'll always know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows him.

Am I making any sense?

It doesn't matter.


Hanging out with people at work

Plus the guys at uni.

It was a good combination that left me hungover the next day.

Since it's Indy, Jono, Michael, Tama, J and I opted to go to Beer Garden just to see what Surfers is like during Indy.

Good move, I saw the people at work - pissed drunk and still going.

My assistant manager who has the hots for one of my best friends was asking about her - right in front of his girlfriend.

No, she's not coming, I said.

What makes you think I was looking for her, he asked.

Well, for one thing, you keep on looking over my shoulder, I said.

Fair enough, well, let me know if she arrives, he said.

I told you, she's not coming, I rolled my eyes.

Guys will always be guys. It doesn't matter if they were the assistant managers of a hotel chain, they're still guys.

I saw one of the guys at work- the decent one.

We started talking and it reminded me why I like him in the first place.

He reminds me of Mark. Bad.

Focused, decent, determined and hot.

That ends now.


Angst-free Nikki for 2006.

Know what my New Year's Resolution for next year is, I asked Amber.

No boyfriends, no men trouble, I added.

You can't do that, she said.

Trust me, I replied.

I don't want to have any boy dramas for next year. So I'm going to give all my boys the flick.

At least, I intend to.

Johnson's been out of the picture for a while, I'd like to keep it at that.

Mark will always be there no matter what. I can't do anything about that but the best thing about him is that he respects my decisions. If I tell him to leave me alone, I think he'll do just that.

Jono, well, I need to sort him out.

For you to be happy is to be happy by yourself, dad once told me.

I agree, So that's what I'll be doing. Being happy with my friends and by myself.

If the right guy comes along, it'll just be a bonus.

When the most important woman in your world celebrates her birthday

You suddenly don't know what to say. Or what to do.

I didn't give her a gift. I greeted her happy birthday. I stayed up til midnight for me to be the first one to greet her. I know it sounds cheesy but I always do that. I stay up til late for me to greet the person that I love.

And I love my mum. Very much.

Mum and I had been through a lot. Back to my old rebel days. When I was wagging school and not wanting to go to uni.

I'll just get a full-time job and I'll be fine, I told her when I was fifteen. I didn't want to go to school.

I didn't like staying at home and I always picked fights with my stepdad. I thought that by marring my stepdad, I would be saying goodbye to my real dad.

I was a confused and stupid kid.

But my mum put up with me. I'd like to think she abandoned me in the Philippines for a few years when I threatened to get pregnant and run away from home buit I think she did what she had to do.

She sent me to Manila so I can realise how lucky I was to be given a good opportunity.

I realised it. I realised that it wasn't because she didn't want to take care of me. But it was because I was being a pain in the ass and making her life a living hell.

Yeah, I tend to do that to the people I love.

She provided me with a good future. Something that even my real dad couldn't offer. I hated her for taking me away from Manila. Away from my grandmother. Away from my dad and away from my relatives.

But later on, I embraced being Aussie and made the most out of it.

My mum is my very best friend. I tell her everything.

From what I've been upto at work. The workload I do at uni. The guys that made me cry. The guys that make me ink. The friends I get in conflict with down to what I should wear every single day.

I treat her like my sister. I talk to her like my friend. I joke around with her and we share a good laugh once in a while.

She trusts me. She knows I wouldn't do anything that will jeopardise everything that she's worked hard for.

And I won't disappoint her. I enrolled at uni and got myself a good job.

It makes me proud when I listen to her tell her friends that her daughter has a good job and is doing well at uni.

The only thing that she doesn't approve of is my smoking.

I can't watch you buy your death, she said when I asked her if I can smoke in our patio.

She loves me so much that she'd give up her own life for me.

Sure, she's annoying, but all mothers are anyway. Sometimes I want to kill her but I'd kill for her. The things I'd do for this woman, you wouldn't want to know.

She worked so I can study in one of the best schools in Manila.

She never put her job ahead of me. I am always her first priority.

She cancels any appointment she has when she knows it'll be in conflict with my timetable.

Coming from a child that is a product of divorce, I'm happy that my mum found another love. Of course, before I didn't see it in that sense but now I do.

She has so much love to give that I thank God every single day for making my mum happy again.

Back in the days when I had to listen to her cry herself to sleep, I told myself that I'll never leave my mum.

I will never put her in a nursing home when she gets old. And I prayed to God that maybe someday she can grow old with someone.

Someone who will take care of her. And she did. I'll be forever grateful to God that He gave mum a reason to smile. Someone who takes away her worries and pains.

She is such a wonderful person that I can't even begin to tell her how much she means to me. From the little things to the ultra extravagant things that she does, I respect her.

She'll always be the only person I'll have a soft spot for. I know it's cheesy but I love my mother.

I'm proud of her and I respect her for bringing me up by herself without any help from my dad.

So tell me, how can you begin to tell a wonderful woman how much she means to you?

It's my mum's birthday today

Sunday morning, she started cooking.

Adobo, lasagne, chicken bbq, beef stew, spring rolls, carbonara and other food known to man.

It was good. I couldn't stop eating. Trying out different food and telling mum that everything was oh-so-good.

Monday left her doing food shopping and cleaning the house. I stayed and helped her do the dishes and prepare everything.

I'm only helpful on my mum's birthday - I give you that.

This afternoon, people came.

Friends from her religious fellowship.

Neighbours.

Her best friend.

Uncle Lucio didn't want to partake but since his wifey was excited, he stayed.

Uncle's best friend was there too.

Funny how mum's best friend married Uncle's best friend.

My mum was happy. All her close friends were there. And her hard work didn't go to waste. Everybody loved the food.

Come dinner and it was a different crowd. My crowd.

Of course, my two best friends.

Bernie's grandmother and sister were there.

Her brother.

They were doing interpretative karaoke.

I would've joined in but I was too busy singing. That's my hand holding the microphone.

It was fun and I am full. Til now. Still full.

The grand, The Drink and Shooters

Club hopping is fun.

Celebrated Amber's twentieth on the weekend.

When you're drunk, I'm your eyes, she told me.

I hooked up with a guy at the Grand that she thought was ugly. I thought he was cute.

But hey, friends are out for your best interest so I obliged.

Again, didn't come home til seven in the morning.

Slept for two hours. I woke up and went to the toilet. That's one of the bummers of going out and drinking - you go to the loo quite a lot.

Nikki, hurry the fuck up. Open the door, Amber yelled out.

I was drifting off to sleep in the toilet when she banged on the door.

I got up and open the door.

Fuck man, it's 8:47 I'm meant to be at work at 8:30, she said.

I looked at her. Crazy woman, I thought to myself.

Amber, you do realise that it's Saturday, I said.

Oh, well, I'm going back to bed then, she replied. Walked off and went back to sleep.

If I wasn't feeling sick, I would've laughed out loud. But I felt sick so I decided against it.

Saturday was awesome.

Amber was pretty drunk and I was well, drunk with her.

I swear, going out with her is so much it's not even believable.

We met with a few people but we ended up staying at the club til five in the morning - just us two.

As always, we hooked up.

You're my strength, I'm your eyes, she repeated.

I help her take her mind off her ex. And well, she tells me if the guy I'm hooking up with is hot or not.

Yes, I am her strength. When she saw her ex at the Drink, she almost fainted. It's hard bumping into someone you hooked up with or dated for a while.

Brought back to the moment when I ran into one of my hook ups at the servo - my heart stopped and I made an ass out of myself. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, she had six shots of cowboy shots and endless number of Jim Beam bottles. She knows how to party and she parties hard. Kudos to you, I'm enjoying being single, mate.

I love my friends. I really and truly do.

When you get bored on a Friday afternoon

What do you do?

Of course you drive to your best friend's uni and chill with her.

At least, that's what I do.

She had an assessment due today and was stressing like crazy.

And I was bored.

So I jumped in my car and drove off.

We had three hours to kill so we did the next best thing.

We said hello to my camera.

Sent a photo to Amber with our fingers sticking out. [I'd rather not post it up here.. it's a wholesome blog, I'd like to think.]

We played pool after and she did her assessment.

I think I did pretty well, she said.

Well, that's that.

That comprised our whole afternoon together.

I guess in the end you think of the beginning

There are a few things in my life that I need to sort out.

Whether I want to be in a relationship or not.

And who with.

I promised in February with my best friend that I won't be in a relationship this year.

We made a pact. I'll get over Vmac and she'll take risks.

We did it on the beach. Under the stars with the waves as witnesses.

We managed to do all the things that we promised ourselves we'd do.

Every month, we had one good thing going on for us.

From seeing Anthony Callea, catching the fugitive, hooking up with Thane, getting a job at Hyatt, hooking up with Johnson, etc.

I promised myself I want to be happy this year.

And I am. I delivered. I party every weekend, I have great friends I can rely on always.

I promised myself I won't be in a relationship this year. Not even one.

Once again, I delivered. I hook up but not really with someone exclusively.

But since last year, there's always that someone who comes back and bites me in the ass.

He was online tonight. Talking to me and making me think.

Is this really what you want for your life, nikki, he asked.

Fooling around, not having a care in the world, he added.

I have so much faith in you. I know you'll be great someday but you need to work on that now, he said.

Don't think of me as your ex-boyfriend, think of me as a best friend, he prodded.

The problem with Mark is, no matter how much I try, no matter what I do, he'll always be there.

He never goes away.

We met, we had fun and we ended.

I moved on. He survived the tsunami.

I met Lem. He proposed to Helen.

I met Johnson. He married Helen.

I stopped dating Johnson. He separated from Helen.

Now we're back to square one.

Thinking what we're gona do with "us".

I've done some really bad things you know, I said.

I know, but do you see me running away, asked.

There are certain things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be honest and I wanted to be real.

But I know it'll kill him if it came from me.

That I fooled around with his best friend when he was away. I could justify all I want but the truth of the matter is, I did something wrong.

But he's still here.

I married Helen even when I was in love with you, he said.

How is that the same, I asked.

We both did something stupid, he answered.

We started talking about the past. Our past.

How much fun we had going to Timezone. Playing pool and Jurassic Park.

Riding the Dodgem. Eating in KFC.

The time he bought Indy tickets just so he can wait for me outside the trailer van when I was working at Subway.

The time we had to bring one of my workmates to the hospital and we ended up staying in the hospital for three hours.

The time I drove to Marina Mirage and he showed up out of nowhere telling me that his gut instinct told him that I'd be up.

The time I dared him to have his face painted.

The time we drove towards Tweed Heads just for the hell of it.

The time he dared me to eat curry powder with no water for five minutes.

The laughter we shared when I spewed on our table after the dare.

The times he picked me up form work.

The time we were learning the words to the songs of Joss Stone.

The time we spent in the lecture theatre the whole time messaging me when he was just sitting next to me in lecture.

The time he gave me all the answers for our Business Statistics tutorial questions.

The time he did my essay for Bus. Stat.

The time when he helped me pick out a gift for Monique for her sixth birthday.

The time when I bumped into him for the first time outside uni in one of the parties in parkwood.

The time we spent sitting on the couch paying people out.

The time we watched a movie and he was just staring at me the whole time.

The time I bumped into him at the beginning of the school year and I was thinking to myself, he looked like Jesus Christ.

The time I told him to cut his hair because long hair just don't do him justice.

The time he cut his hair and emailed me a photo of his new haircut.

The time he graduated and I didn't get to go to his graduation dinner.

The time I had to attend his engagement party.

The time I had to say goodbye to him when he left for Sydney.

The time I had to catch up with him when he came to visit.

The time I told him he looked hot if he put on more weight.

The time he told me I lost so much weight he can carry me with one finger now.

The time when we fought because everytime I see him, my feelings for him just get stronger.

The time he told me he just needs to sort some stuff out but promised me that everything will be ok.

The time when we came to visit and I didn't even see him.

The time I hooked up with his best friend.

And then now.

There were too many things that happened. But somehow he manages to come back and assure me that everything will be alright.

He thinks I'm playing him.

I think he's playing me.

What kind of a man would tell me that he'll sort his thing out and then sign a lease for a year in Sydney?

But everytime we speak on the phone or chat on msn or message each other, my heart flutters and my tummy feels funny.

I just have a feeling that he'll be around for a very long time getting me confused and disoriented all at the same time.

It's her birthday

Yep, it's her birthday.

Dear Amber,

Being friends with you for over six years had taught me so much. I promised myself I'll make this short and sweet. But I think I'll be wrong.

We have so much fun together it's not even funny.

Yeah sure we fight and go off at each other but you know what? I experienced so much with you that I doubt I'll ever find another true friend such as yourself.

Getting drunk for the first time was fun. Remember back in 2000 when you, Marie, Faith, Sam, Bernie and I slept over at my house and we raided my cupboard for some port and lambrusco?

You cleaning after us. Washing our vomit. I'll never forget that. That was the most classic moment I had in my teenage years.

And remember on my sixteenth when you and Bernie took me shopping at Pacific Fair just so Sam, Faith and Marie can decorate the house for my surprise party? And you falling off the escalator because you were perving on the guy that worked at sportsco?

Again, classic.

And remember when we all got dressed up and hurried over the Mansion and Insane on my birthday and had to witness the guys from Benowa fighting in the middle of the street?

Remember all the walks home from Surfers every Friday Night?

Remember smoking in the toilet near the tuckshop? Us three [Sam, you and I] sharing a cubicle as we go for a smoke?

What about the times when we would meet each other before form and just look at each other and just go, nah, I don't feel like going to school, wana wag, nikki?

Or the phone calls made to your mum to come pick us up just to watch Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake in the afternoon?

What about the time when I went to the toilet and all you girls put a pile of cushions in the middle of the lounge room and I didn't get the fact that it was meant to be a pile of stones just like in Blair Witch Project?

Or fighting over who gets to like Steve [from Jerry Springer].

Or talking about how Luke Peters got drunk and stripped and everybody saw how small his thingy was.

Or talking about how Orhan and Nigel were looking ultra cute that week.

Or how Ricky Lowe was the hottest human alive.

And Mark Sinclair being dubbed as unggoy by us.

Or the time when I had to walk Abby home cos she missed her stop. And I saw you running around the corner crying and I told you I'd take care of Abby.

It was fun, it was surreal and it was the best cause we got to share it together.

Yeah, true we fought. But I think it was meant to be in a good way - for us to experience other things and move on with our lives without other people holding us back.

I gotta tell you, I missed you though. You were the only one I missed when all of us fought. I missed your bubbly personality.

Your jokes, your laughs, your advices and even your SMS messages.

But as fate would have it, we became friends again. I didn't know how we did it. But we patched things up, set aside our differences and the laughter, the jokes, the bumming around and the stupidity of us started again.

There were times that we would share the funny moments with a lot of people.

We drink and have fun as a group. We get drunk and make total asses out of ourselves.

Remember when we got so drunk we laid on the street like in The Notebook and waited for cars to drive past us - luckily enough, no cars were in sight. We were too wasted to get up and run.

We even managed to have fun with our girlfriends.

Yeah, Tiana is being a bitch lately but I think she'll come to her senses. I mean, who wouldn't want to hang out with us?

We bum around together.

Remember the Sunday when we were high on Red Bull and didn't sleep?

And we decided to get Bernie breakfast? That was the best nonsleep I ever had. Seeing the Gremlin with you was priceless.

We ended up laughing the whole day, losing our voices and pissing our parents off with the, "fuck off.. eat shit.." linggo we came up with that day.

You're one of my best friends, I want you to know that. I think it's sweet that you couldn't sleep without making sure that Bernie and I are in the same bed as you.

Not only do we have fun getting wasted or getting high on red bull. We do other stuff too.

Like having an impromptu visits at Dreamworld.

We had a blast. You vomitting after the wipeout. Yet another classic moment.

What makes me admire you the most is your ability to pick hot men.

I applaud you for that.

This, you like.

And this, I like.

True you have troubles with your men, but I'll be here for you so you can have someone to sort out your shit with.

I appreciate when you tell me straight up that I'm wrecking other people's relationships by going out with them.

I like the fact that you're upfront when I'm becoming annoying and being a total dickhead.

Only you can speak to me like that. I let it pass because if my friends can't be honest with me, who will, right?

I respect you for that even more.

You are such a great person to be with that just bumming around with you is even fun. We manage to keep ourselves preoccupied, don't we?

Yep, we take photos. Like there's no tomorrow.

We take photos when we don't look our best.

We take photos just for the hell of it.

We pretend that we're asleep.

We pretend that we're being chased by paparazzi.

Oh, and we actually try out hundreds of pictures before we decide which one is the best.

We've been through a lot, haven't we?

From having a boyfriend.

To being single again.

To being my hook up buddy everytime we go clubbing.

You're like a sister I wish I had. You're close with my family. I'm close with yours.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm so proud that you've become the person I always thought you are.

Sweet, caring, thoughtful, considerate and just being there for us everytime we need you.

I promise you the same. This friendship is worth to keep I hope you realise that because I do.

Happy Birthday, Amber Renee. You old, old girl.

Love,

Nikki