Eighteen days

Eighteen days without B.

Yep, that seems like hell.

It's been two days. I've been calling her nonstop.

I tell her everything that's been going on in my miserable life.

I woke up to drive her to the airport. She was going to cry. I bit my tongue to keep me from saying anything emotional.

It's only eighteen days, I thought. Why am I so bummed about?

So I did what an idiot would do.

Made a fool out of myself at the airport.

She was going down the immigration level when I shouted, "be sure to have your rash checked when you get there, alright?"

Amber cracked up. She cracked up. But I was about to cry.

Promise me you'll get drunk on the plane, I told her.

Promise me you'll hook up in the Philippines, I told her.

Promise me you'll enjoy every second spent in that country, I told her.

I made her promise a lot of things.

I want her to enjoy her holidays. She deserves it. After two and a half year of slaving a commerce degree, I think it's well-earned.

I just hope I can go with her so we can get drunk together.


It's not cheating if you don't share the same postcode

Ah, touche.

I told her not to cheat on her on-again/off-again boyfriend but she did make a point.

They don't share the same postcode. They're in different continent right now so it's not technically cheating.

Smart woman.


I think we're back on track

That's what Johnson told me last night when we went out.

He called me up on private number. Just so I'd pick up. I don't pick up my phone when he calls because of his persistent attempt to catch up with me.

My phone rang. It was on private number. Since I was waiting for a call, I picked up.

It was him. I couldn't hang up because that would be borderline rude.

So I humoured him. Asked him what's been going on.

Nothing, just want to see if you want to catch up.

Fine then, I thought. We'll catch up. Nothing wrong with that.

So he went to pick me up at uni and went to watch a movie.

The Wedding Crashers is hilarious. I'd see it again with anyone keen to watch it with me.

He was happy because I had one embarassing stunt that left him laughing his ass off [I'd rather not talk about it.. It was really embarassing..].

He asked me if we're back on track.

Umm.. I don't think so. I'm happy with the way things are going really, I said.

But we're going out again for dinner tonight.

I'm excited. I can't say I'm stoked that I'm going down that road with him again.

But I think I'm ready to be friends. If he becomes my friend with benefits then that would just be a bonus.


Give this to your mum, tell her it's from me

A guy at work gave me a bouquet of lillies on Saturday night.

The lillies were actually on each of the tables. We were clearing the place when the supervisor said that we can take home the lillies if we want to.

Since I was so tired, I couldn't be bothered.

Fuck it, I said. I'm not going to spend another minute in this place taping together bouquets of lillies to take home. It'll wilt anyway.

So I went to sign off. I went back to the room to say goodbye to them when one of the guys held out his arm with a big bouquet of flowers. It was directed straight at me.

Here you go, he said.

I don't want it, I said. I'm a bitch. I was tired.

It's not for you. Give this to your mum, tell her it's from me, he said. With a naughty smile.

Ok, I think she'll want me to say thanks, I said.

Everyone was looking and laughing. He then walked me to my car asking me different sorts of questions.

What my nationality is.

How old I am.

How long I've been in Australia for.

My last job.

After a while I realised that I've told this guy every single thing about me but I don't know jackshit about him.

So it's my turn to ask him next time.

Sore all over

Get this in your head, working for twelve hours. On your feet.

My arms are sore. My back is sore. My neck is stiff.

Are you alright? Mum asked.

Yeah, I'll just die right here, I replied.

I haven't slept since Amber and I drove Bernie to the airport. I finished worked at 3Am and had to wake up at six-thirty for her.

Eighteen days of not hanging out with my best friend. That's torture. It's hard enough that she's leaving but being gone for eighteen days?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Let's see how I can make use of my time while she's gone, shall we???

point 1: go back to the gym - man, i've been really slack this month. I think i've only been to the gym just once this month. no wonder i'm putting on the weight that i worked so hard to lose.

point 2: actually make time to see other friends. these past few months had been crazy. I've turned into this crazy party girl that i haven't had time to organise to catch up with my other girlfriends and friends from uni.

point 3: concentrate on uni. i need to organise my workload at uni just so i won't feel behind. i know it's hard to organise everything at the same time but multi-tasking is something i'm actually good at.

pont 4: work hard at my new job. it's been a while since i've been working so going back to my work mode would be a challenge. but i think i'm getting there. i wouldn't want to get fired or quit because getting into this hotel is one of the biggest achievements in my life.

point 5: decide, once and for all what i want to fucking do with my life. is it marketing or hotel management? i've been theading on safe waters for a year and a half now but i haven't decided what i'm majoring in. i'm twenty-one for crying out loud. i need to figure out if i want to be a marketing major and focus on advertising or just stick to hotel management and THEN work for their sales and marketing department which is a bit depressing, really.

point 6: finish reading at least one book. i've been reading a particular book - sacking the stork. it's about a corporate woman who got pregnant only to find out that the other part of the pregnancy got transferred overseas and would only support the kid financial-wise.

point 7: stay away from alcohol. i haven't drank a single drop of vodka since my encounter with the porcelain god two weeks ago. keep going, nikki. i've been sober for a long while now. i need to keep it that way.

point 8: finally admit to myself that johnson will be here for a long time. it's just a complete misunderstanding, he said. i don't know if i want to get back together. i'm still a little bit gray on that area. but i know he's not going anywhere. he's a bit insistent to getting back together and after a few setbacks with my ex-boyfriends it's a good change to be chased instead of the other way around.

point 9: stop eating chocolates. i've been feeding myself comfort food since we broke up and it's taking its toll on my weight and skin. i should stop it. i have marks all over my face and my back and arms cause i haven't been getting any sleep at all.

point 10: get someone to watch my food intake for me. since my face looks like a bunch of volcanoes just erupted, i assigned my mumto make me eat celery, oats, mandarins and only one serving of rice for a day.

point 11: stop listening to sad songs like "scars" from papa roach. it just makes me want to cy and curse at johnson for reminding me what it's like to hurt once again.

point 12: be happy again. i want to be single and be happy with what i do again. looking back on my previous archives, specifically during may and july when i had no guy problems, i looked happy in the photos as well as the way i wrote, i seemed to really enjoy myself back then. now all i can write about is him, mark, eco-guy. GUYS again. i'm sick of it.

point 13: organise my finances. one grand credit card debt and four hundred bucks in debt from my parents make me a very broke person. good thing money starts coming in on friday and next week on a weekly basis since i start my new job.

point 14: stop smoking. i gotta stop smoking. since i'm doing this whole chaning my lifestyle things, i might as well change the most important thing i need to get rid off- my nicotine fix. not only is it burning a hole on my pocket but also a hole in my lungs, so there.

i'd be happy if i get to do half of this. but i swear, i want to stick to this.

My day - Dreamworld

Since B is leaving for Philippines soon. We decided to do something really crazy.

Like go to Dreamworld for the day.

Imagine four locals going to a theme park in the middle of the week.

Yep. Crazy.

We got out of the car and ran towards the entrance.

And started our crazy-filled day.

We rode the Giant Drop, Log Ride, The Claw, Eureka's minetrain.. Everything.

I love Dreamworld. I'm going back there again.

The return of Eco-Guy

Saw him today.

Damn, he's hot. He was standing outside the library with his girlfriend [I think]. I was with Martin, Bernie's cousin and I immediately tugged his arm.

"That's him. He's fucking hot.."

"Nikki, I think he knows you. I think he likes you too. He was looking at you.."

I was this close to telling him that I wouldn't be surprised if he knew me because of my stalking last year. But I just kept my mouth shut.

It made me happy that Martin thought Eco-guy likes me too. I won't do anything. He's got a girlfriend and I'm just ready to perve - nothing serious.

Nothing serious. I like that.

I should stop yakking about him.

I gotta sleep. Going to DreamWorld tomorrow with my best friends.

Ciao.

And the craziness continues

Last night was crazy too.

There were fights. Tears. Bitch fits.

The works.

I. Don't. Like. Dramas.

But my life is a drama waiting to unfold.

Though I'd rather watch other people with their dramas.

Lately, mine had been a drama-filled hell.

The person I wanted to get in contact to didn't get in contact with me.

The man I prayed not to get in contact to go in contact with me.

Asking me to go to dinner to catch up is a load of bullshit.

I'm happy and I want to stay that way.


Steven Spielberg would've loved it

We saw a gremlin.

Really? you ask.

Not really. But it looked just like one.

Confession: It was actually a person but we didn't know if it was a man or a woman so we kept calling it IT.

It was running along the highway doing its morning jog.

Amber and I didn't sleep at all. We went clubbing the whole night and talked til the sun was up.

We talked about our lovelives. The ones that got away. Everything.

We decided to surprise Bernie with breakfast so we stole her car keys and drove towards Mcdonald's for breakfast.

We cracked on to the cute guy behind the counter. He was about 17 but we thought he was fine.

I was driving on the highway when we say the gremlin look-a-like jogging.

What the fuck was that?, Amber asked.

We started laughing. It was funny. It didn't have any neck. It was jogging funny. It was fucken hilarious.

I had to pull over cos we were laughing pretty hard.

After the Mcdonald's trip, we decided to look for it.

Nikki, I want to go look for that thing, Amber said.

So we didn't take the exit for Bernie's house and kept driving.

And kept driving.

Just when we thought our hunt was over, we found our gremlin.

Pointed and laughed. Like hyenas, I might add. It was hilarious. Like finding gold.

We had to stop because of the traffic lights.

Hurry up, it's getting away.

We saw it turn right. We thought it went through the bush.

So we turned right. Kept driving.

And we saw it again. Laughed our heads off.

Amber wanted to see its face so we made a u-turn.

I told her not to laugh to at its face cos it might get angry.

I won't, she said.

Yeah, right.

As soon as we so it face to face, we laughed... At its face.

It was hilarious.

We vow to wake up tomorrow to look for it again.

Crosses fingers..


This is for you

For breaking my heart..

Scars - Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channel all your pain

And I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Soooo Crazy

Yesterday was crazy as hell.

I started work.

Mark already left for Sydney.

And I got smashed.

Really?? you ask.

Not a big shocker there. But I had to go to the doctors this morning - I thought I was gona have my stomach pumped or something. It scrared the daylights out of me.

After my orientation at work, I got picked up by Bernie and Amber. Since it was B's last exam [the bitch has degree. Congratulations...I'm so proud of you..], we vowed to get drunk and just hang out for night.

It didn't go according to plan.

Nick called. He wanted us to go meet them, and by them meaning Steven, Ana, Jess and Ozzie with at the local tavern.

So we went. But not before downing a couple of bottles of Smirnoff Vodka.

At the tavern, I drank three vodka tonics and a bottle of Vodka. I wasn't tipsy so I thought I was alright.

Steven invited us over at his place so we went.

I brought the rest of my four pack of Vodka with me. It wasn't enough. So we drove to the bottle shop to buy another four pack.

So how much was my alcohol count so far?

Two Smirnoff vodka, three vodka tonics, another Smirnoff Vodka, two more bottles of smirnoff vodka and a four pack.

So that makes 12, right? Jeez.

All the while smoking and with an empty stomach.

It. Was. Not. Good.

I know I said I want to drink to forget about my worries. But not enough to be rushed to the doctors.

We got home at one o'clock. Made an absolute ass of ourselves. And passed out.

Or so I thought.

I vomitted. Once. I thought that was it. I can go to sleep and then have a massive hang over in the morning and all will be well.

But I was wrong.

I woke up after half hour and vomitted again.

Went back to bed only to be woken up to run towards the toilet to vomit again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I did it all throughout the night. About fifteen times. I didn't sleep because I couldn't move.

I didn't have anything to throw up so I started throwing up gastric acid.

My stomach lining was inflamed but I still couldn't stop throwing up.

At seven thirty I finally woke up my girlfriends. Told them to bring me to the doctors cos I couldn't stand throwing up anymore. My throat was sore, I can taste blood and I'm coughing up acid.

How bad was that?

All the while thinking, what am I doing? Why do I like getting drunk and throwing up?

So we drove to the doctors.

As always, Amber couldn't stand not perving [a hot physiotherapist was there] and we ended up laughing like hyenas.

For someone with an inflamed stomach, I laughed hard. I did well, really.

The doctor asked me why I came in. "I had a few drinks last night and I vomitted. I thought it was only a one off thing but I kept vomitting all throughout the night."

The doctor then asked, "When you said a few drinks, how much did you REALLY drink?"

We looked at each other, "Ummm... About twelve bottles of vodka.."

The doctor raised her eyebrow.

"How often do you drink?"

"Umm.. every two weeks.."

"I don't think it's alcohol poisoning. But I'd go easy on the alcohol if I were you.."

I looked at Amber and Bernie and went, "Shit , now we can't go out tonight."

They laughed. There I was seeing my doctor complaining about a great hang over and I worry about not getting drunk again tonight.

She told me I need to get a shot to stop the nausea. So I went and took the shot. I didn't know they were gona jab it on my ass.

I got out of the doctor's office with an inflamed stomach, a woozy head and a sore ass.

But I feel better now.

I just need to lay off the alcohol for a while.

I think you'll see a sober Nikki this time.

It's ok you'll find someone

Bam! I found him - again.


It's hard letting go

I realised that now.

I didn't cry over Johnson.

But I cried over him. Many times.

Still am.

Once again, I'm all over the place.


What is it that you REALLY want?

Tonight is one of the worst nights of my life.

I saw Mark.

Go figure what happened next.

We talked, of course.

We talked about this.

We talked about this.

Basically we talked about our past. How we screwed it up. And how we both wanted for it to work out.

Now, we both know it's too late.

I've moved on. So did he.

"What is it that you really want? You can't keep doing this to me, nikki. It's not fair."

I know. I'm sorry.

I told you never to get involve with me.

I'm too messed up right now to even think about what I want.

I did love him. I think I still do.

But I really CAN'T do anything about it.

Can't.

I think I've stressed that out enough already.

Why is it that everytime, one relationship falls apart, I run back to my ex for comfort?

I always do.

I need my comfort zone and he's always around.

Around when I was broken hearted with my ex in Manila.

Was around when I broke things with Johnson.

A lot of things changed but he isn't one of 'em.

If I can turn back time, I want him in my life.

We share the same passion. We are on the same wavelength. We make each other laugh. Mostly he laughs at me and not with me, though. We have the same objectives in life. Start a career and then have a family.

He loathes the fact that we could've been something.

Something amazing, he said.

I know that, I do.

I love the fact that he pretends to be interested in everything I have to say.

I love the fact that he agress with me a lot.

I love the fact that he's comfy enough to tell me when I'm being a bitch.

I love the fact that he tells me when I look like shit.

I love the fact that he tells me when I look good.

I love the way he looks at me. The way his eyes widen everytime he sees me.

I love the way he smiles at me, one corner twitching up.

I even love it when he winks. Just one eye dropping for a moment.

I love it when he says, "I woke the beast" everytime I turn into an evil bitch.

I love the fact that he gets along with my friends.

I love the fact that he encourages me to do well at uni so I can move to Sydney with him.

I love a lot of things about him.

ing us certain things.

But what if I passed up a good opportunity to be ridiculously happy?

"Remember when I told you that I'd like you more if you got back together with your ex ages ago? It was because I knew you were being honest. But right now, honesty is not your strongest point. "

He wanted me to be honest. But there's a lot at stake. It would break me if I break him.

He's leaving tomorrow and three people told me that I need to tell him how I feel.

Well, thanks to Jono he already knows. The bastard had him on the phone listening to our conversation when him and I were talking. So Mark pretty much knows.


But somehow he wants to hear it from me.

I'm seriously fucked up.

Warning to all: do not get involve with me. Trust me. You'll thank me later.

I am a scum in dire need of a shower.

What I would give right now for a drink.

I'm so ready to go out and just forget about my worries.

A few days after

People say I'm a laid back person.

I do what I have to do.

I wake up and get on with my day.

I hop into bed and crash.

I wake up the next day, go to uni-and-or-work.

I go to the gym.

I catch up with my friends.

I have dinner with my family.

I hop into bed and crash.

Same thing I did the night before.

And the night before that.

And the night before that.

I'm predictable in all aspects of my life.

I know where I'm going.

I don't stress because I planned it in advance.

That's probably why they think I'm laid back.

But I do stress.

If things get a little out of hand, I stress.

If things don't go according to plan, I stress.

And when I get disappointed, I get sick.

You're like my sister, you get sick when you break up with your boyfriends, B said.

I don't get sick everytime I get dumped or I dump someone.

I only get sick when I break up with guys I actually care about.

I've only been sick twice straight after I broke up with my exes.

This is the third.

I must've liked him more than I thought.

I'm having a bad day

Yep, I'm having a bad day. So I went and checked my inbox.

The irony of it all. My auntie sent me a forwarded message with "having a bad day?" as its subject.

What are the fucking odds.

So I read it. I softened a bit. Cos I got reminded that no matter how crappy you think your day had been. Other people's lives are far worse than yours. So who are you to complain, right?



Still having a bad day

I'm sick.

I can't taste anything.

I can't smell anything.

Even the nicotine on my smokes I can't taste.

I stink of Vicks Vapour Rub.

I'm surrounded by balled up tissues.

My nose is dripping like tap.

My head is just about ready to explode.

And I think, I think my heart is broken.


You know it's over

When someone got your boyfriend thinking.

"fucking bitch, she made my boyfriend think!!"

One day he's telling me loves me, the next day I'm wolfing Chinese food with my two best friends because I've become unexpectedly single.

I'm not complaining. He wants to have kids? I'm not going to reproduce for him.

I'm not making any sense am I?

Well, let me start..

My now ex-boyfriend "chatted" with his ex. His ex told him she wanted to have babies - with him. My ex, being a baby maniac [that doesn't sound right, but who cares?] started thinking - about us. Me and him. Him and I.

Where he thinks our relationship is going. When he thinks I'll be ready to settle down and have kids.

Why am I not as committed as he is. What my priorities are. What his priorities are. Is there really a future. Or are we just fooling around.

I told him straight out what my priorities are. I told him I'm not willing to settle down anytime soon because I need to prove something to myself first before I get married and reproduce.

He told me there would be no pressure.

I believed him, of course.

How dumb of me.

Because as soon as his ex mentioned babies, he forgot all about not pressuring me.

He doesn't want to end things with me, I don't want to either but I don't want babies.

Babies right now are not happening. Not with me.

Especially not with him.

"Don't feel all guilty for breaking my heart because you didn't,"

I fell for him, yes. But I did say not enough to sacrifice what I want.

And til now, I know what I want.

Just goes to show that I'm heading in the right direction.

Guys come and go. They'll love you and think the world of you.

But they also fuck you up.

I'm not swearing off guys altogether.

I can't say I didn't give it a try.

"Are you alright?" My best friend asked.

"Yeah, I will be.." I said.

Convincingly, of course.

He wasn't one of the major loves of my life so I think I'll live.


I love

My best friends.

"Nikki, we have something for ya.." Dimps sang out over the phone.

Thoughts of Thane immediately went to my head.

Yeah, I am a crazy woman.

I was out having a break up dinner with my ex when she rang. I told her I'd meet her somewhere in an hour.

An hour later, I called her up. She got pissed cos she now needed me to drive to the Chinese restuarant instead of them picking me up and us three girls going together.

"You always wreck the fucking surprise.."

I can't help it. I think it's in my genes. I'm not meant to be surprised.

So I ate sweet and sour pork, fried rice "Fly lice, you idiet.." [I just had to put that in, it reminds me of Leathal Weapon 4.] and guzzled down a coke. Not a diet coke but a regular coke. Screw the diet. Last night was not the time to watch my calorie intake.

Amber didn't like him. Thinks he's too old for me. Bernie liked him. She knew I was happy.

It's all over now. So what did my two precious do to cheer me up?

HIRED PORN!!!

Amber dared Bernie to go to Blockbuster and hire porn movies.

We were laughing our asses off because the guy behind the counter was sizzling hot and Bernie was renting out about ten porn movies.

It was a porn night free for all - or so we thought.

The movies were filled with boobies and women's private parts.

Everytime a woman undresses, "Ow.. we don't want to see that shit.."

"No more boobies, please.." Amber begged the TV screen.

"Man, my eyes are sore from all the boobs.." I complained.

"If I see another boob, I'd start crying.." B said.

We didn't get hot nor bothered. In the end, Amber settled for internet porn, looking at guys with their thingy hanging out.

We're not perverted. We were just having a girls' night in.

What do you think guys do when they all hang out together behind closed doors with a DVD player and a box of tissue?

Who else can do that for you? Sleep over, eat chocolates, doritos, coke and watch porn.

I love my girls.. I really really do.


I just had a thought

When one thing in your life becomes perfect, the other things gets fucked up.

I just got a job and now I have to be dumped.

Hurrah

Yey - I'll be working here.

I went for an interview on Thursday.

Put Johnson as my reference for the Convention Centre - they called him. He gave a good reference [minus the fact that I'm dating him, of course] and they called me on Monday to offer me the job. How lucky can I get? No, really?

How lucky can I get?

Just when I was getting depressed for not working - yep, I've been feeling like a total bum lately, [I haven't worked for three weeks and I felt restless] I got a call from the hotel asking me to come in for an interview. I knew the chances of getting the position were very slim. They were asking for a person with a 2-year hospitality experience. I had four - one month of which I went AWOL. Just being there for the interview was a good experience by itself already.

Plus the fact that I don't do well with female HR officers. Also the fact that I had a major encounter with a hair removal cream on my upper lip and the Thursday morning I was up for the interview, I looked like Charlie Chaplin. My diplomas for doing my course for Tourism and Marketing were missing and mum weren't helping me look for them. My transcripts were wrinkled and I was bawling my eyes because of the nerves.

I walked in the foyer, asked for directions to the HR office and waited for a few minutes. It was a typical interview...

"Tell me something about yourself..."

"I see here that you're working at the Convention Centre..."

" Why are you applying for the job..."

"I see that you're doing a Bachelor of Business with majors on Hotel Management and Marketing...."

"You've also done Tourism and Marketing courses, haven't you?"

"Are you a naturalised Australian?" Yep, I'm a twinkie... Yellow on the outside but white on the inside..

But what I wasn't prepared for was..

"Can you tell us something about Hyatt Regency?"

My smiled faltered a bit. I didn't do a research on the company I was applying for. All I know was that there are Hyatt hotels all over the world and that I vaguely remember having a Hyatt Hotel in Manila. But that was it. So I bullshit my way..

"Well, Hyatt is a five-star international hotel chain that have more than one hundred hotels all over the world.. I know that they cater for high-income target markets.." And the bullshit went on.

I also told them that my cousin [who really worked at The Heritage] worked atThe Hyatt and that the hotel has a reputation to uphold.

The HR officer then asked me to wait for a few minutes. I didn't know why but then another woman walked in and introduced herself as the manager of the F&B department. I almost laughed out loud because she looked just like Nia Vardalos - it scared me a bit.

I didn't know that it was my second interview - nobody told me. I was there for about an hour and they told me that they'd give me a call if my application was successful.

I walked out of there thinking, well, that's done. I don't expect them to call me.

Come Monday I received a call from them. Asked me if I was still interested for the position. I knew what was fucking and I had to bite my tongue from saying, fuck yeah. They offered me the position and I start on 18 of August.

Nice. Real Nice.

This morning though, I received another call from another international hotel asking me to come in for an interview.

When it rains, it pours.

I told them I got offered a job but thanks anyway.

Things are really looking up.


Did I say things are looking up?

Thank you to Johnson. I put him as my professional reference.

They called him and asked about me. My work ethics. My communication skills. Basically everything they need to know. He totally sucked up to them.

Telling them that I'm a team player, a hard worker, everything.

He called me straight after they called him asking me if I heard from them.

"Did they call you?"

"Who?"

"They called me asking about you. I think you got the job."

I did get the job. Thanks to him. I love him for doing that.


And he loves me too

I called him on my break this afternoon to see what he's been upto. Surprisingly, he picked up.

"Hey, how come you picked up?"

"Umm.. babe, it's cos you called."

"Oh, well, I just want to see what you're upto."

"How weird. I'm on my break. I was thinking of messaging you but thought you were at uni so I thought I'd message you when I finish work instead."

"Aww.. how sweet. Anyway, I just called you to say hi. I'm due to go back to the theatre so I'll speak to later, huh?"

"Yep, ok... I love you."

That was the first time he told me he loves me over the phone. I know he loves me so I don't have to hear it but it felt so damn good to hear him say it.

"Umm... Love you too."

He was laughing cos he knew he caught me off guard.

Jono, who was waiting for me to get off the phone made kissing noises.

"wow, nikki. you seem to really like him.."

"Yeah, I know. So far so good.."

He rolled his eyes and just laughed. He knew I'm happy where I am right now. 'Nuff said.



I gotta stop smoking

I was out of breath today at uni.

Why?

Because I played psuedo-tag with Jono.

I told him to come meet me after the lecture so I can introduce him to Dimps.

But the lecture went a little longer than usual and I found him sprinting towards the nearest exit, in desperate attempt to make it in his tutorial on time.

I called out to him, told him to just spare a few minutes to meet my best friend and he told me he can't otherwise he'll be late. I tugged at his shirt and he broke free then started running, with a teasing smile on his face.

Bastard.

I ran after him, calling out to him with everyone looking at us. Two uni students running around campus for no reason at all.

I was out of breath and I told myself to fuck it. I can't catch up to him. Not only does he run fast but he doesn't smoke too. So I didn't have a chance.

Damn it, I have to stop smoking.


House, M.D.

"I feel happy,"

"Is that your complain?"

Too funny.

You have to watch this series.


Happy Birthday

My nana's birthday is today.

She's 94.

Tried calling her but I couldn't reach her. She's all over the place. She plays Bingo everywhere and I just hope somebody tells her that her favourite [ouch to you, cousin dear..] grandchild tried calling her.

What I would give right now to be in Manila.


What I want

For the first time I know what I want.

I want Johnson to be a part of my life.

For a very, very long time.

Feeling proud

I got a message from friendster.

She was telling me how she and her boyfriend [another close friend] broke up about a week ago.

She also told me that I was the first one to know and since, I'm so far away - and too caring, she decided to fill me in with her recent dilemma.

Me, him and her were really close friends back in Manila. We didn't belong in the same group or anything but we did form a special bond.

I was the happiest person when I found out they hooked up.I did the unthinkable when I went back in Manila over eight months ago, but that's all over now. We all started a clean slate and nobody ever mentioned that.

Anyway, she told me that she was trying to get in contact with him but to no avail. He didn't want to talk and was always cancelling on her everytime she wanted to talk.

He's got his reasons and I love him very much but he is acting like a total dick about it.

I wish he comes to his senses soon before he loses her for good.

So my persona of being a good confidante and a good listener is alright.

It makes me feel good that I can still talk to my mates in Manila while living my life as a Coaster.

I remember a few months back, I was bitching about being sick to be the one who actually has to pick up the pieces after my friends but I honestly don't mind. I like mothering my friends.

I like giving them advices about certain stuff that they're not sure about. I don't like to be needed but it's good to know that if they needed someone - hi.

I love my friends - friends worth keeping, that is.

The party girl in me just won't go away

La Quanda came out last night. Seven shots of vodka tonics and two bottles of Smirnoff Black later, she emerged.

"You're gonna get bashed one day," Amber said.

Why is that?

Because apparently, I turn into a real bitch when I get drunk. We were sitting on a bench outside the club waiting to get picked up by Dimps and I started bitching about everyone who dared walked past us.

Bits and pieces of what happened last night was all I can remember;

"I tried getting into a club, but they won't let me in," one guy came up to me and just started talking. I looked up, checked him out, decided he was fugly and fucked him off.

"Yeah, we have a 3am lockdown at Surfers. You can't get into clubs after 3am. You have to go home now," Amber burst out laughing. He looked at me funny. He didn't stop though. He kept on talking to me and I just told him to fuck off. That I wasn't in the mood for a little chit chat and that I reckon he should leave.

So he left probably thinking what a total bitch I was.

Apparently, I verbally harassed the person working at the kebab shop too.

At the bar, I couldn't see. I actually got scared. You have no idea what guys are upto when they see a girl off her face. They do take advantage of girls who are drunk. Good thing Amber stopped drinking when she saw that I was already pissed. I love my girls.. I really really do.

I never hook up in clubs. It hasn't been my thing. I got a few guys getting me to dance with them last night. I just shook my head and just turn my bitch radar on and just basically told them all to fuck off. When I go out, I get drunk with my girls. I don't hook up. I get tipsy, then dance to get sobered up, then get tipsy, then dance to get sobered up, then get tipsy, then dance to sobered up. It's always been a cycle.

Both Amber and Bernie told me that I'm a happy drunk. I make an ass out of myself and they get a good laugh out of it.

All I know is, it's only a matter of time before I get bashed. One I'll day come across a person who won't put up with my drunken shits and just bash the crap out me.

I'm scared. But til then, cheers to wild weekends!!!



Week 2

Call me a nerd but I can't wait for my first assessment. Walked into one of my tutorial classes on Wednesday afternoon and sent a silent "thank you" to God for having my favourite tutor again this semester. She was the one who gave me a perfect mark on a portfolio I wrote last semester. Sweet relief. That is a high distinction waiting to happen now.

I just love life right now. For some reason, I'm feeling motivated this semester. I totally organised all my assessments. Made a plan on how I'm going to break down my time. Organised the people I want to work my group assessments with. Jono wanted me to do it with him, but I can't be stuffed because he's a lazy son of a bitch whom I just get along with outside class. He's a mate but I know I'll fail if I dared to do my group assignment with him. I can not afford that.

Things at uni are totally in control. But of course, it's only been week 2. It's like a calm before a storm, but this time around, I've stocked up. I'll be ready when the storm comes.


Bachelor Party

Jono is organising a bachelor party for Mark. He came up because he's getting married next month. We caught up yesterday, did shopping together and just talked.

"Do you realise that last year, we were at toys 'r' us looking for a gift for Monique as well?"

He was right. A year ago, when Monique, my mum's friend's daughter turned six and had her birthday a few weeks late because they went on a holiday as a family together, I asked Mark if he can go toy shopping with me. It was the cutest thing.

He wanted to quit his job. I told him not to.

"Why don't you want me here? Is it because you have a boyfriend now?"

"No, it's because I know that having that corporate traineeship is what you've always wanted and I can't see why you're giving it up,"

"I'm not happy there. I don't get along with anyone. I feel completely different and alone. It's hard adjusting and I feel like I have to try to make an extra effort to get along with everyone,"

"Mark, you have to understand that people who are actually in the corporate world have different priorities. They go home to their wives and families. They don't go out for a cold drink after work - that's what we do. Go out on weekends and get smashed."

"But I don't want to be a bore,"

"You have to sacrifice one thing to get another, remember that."

Jono couldn't do anything. He was stoked when Mark told him he's staying back. I told Jono that it isn't the best decision in the world. Hopefully, Mark sees what I'm talking about. He's moved on to better things. I was proud of him for getting that job in Sydney.

We talked about Johnson. I told him I was happy. He said he was happy for me.

Then Jono fucked it all up for me again;

"He knows you're ready for a relationship because you're in one,"

Whatever that means.

Mark hasn't changed a bit. Still funny and sweet. I'm ready to be friends.

Fight worth remembering

Johnson and I had a fight on Monday. Sometimes I think he's too much of a gentleman to even be angry at me. Because he just let it go. When I'm being a bitch he just stays quiet and lets me blow a fuse then we get on with whatever it is that we're doing. I think that's love. Or am I just that stupid for him not to even bother?

I don't know. Went to pick me up at uni at 4pm. Now I have a couple of tutorials on Mondays and I don't finish til 6pm. But since my being-so-needy-I-just-have-to-see-my-boyfriend persona is dying to get out, I miss my tutes just so we can grab something to eat together. The man started work at 6am and didn't finish til about two-thirty so I was guessing he was famished.

As soon as I got in the car though, he started blabbering on about how long a day it had been and how he was tired and just wanted to sleep. He didn't even say hello. I know it was a minor thing but didn't he know that I was skipping classes for him?

It didn't stop there. He kept going on and on about how hard he had to work. After a few minutes he grew a conscience. He felt bad for leaving early. He usually does a 13-hour shift a day for five days straight. On Monday he only did about nine. He went on for another good twenty minutes how the staff needed him and that he should've stayed.

I was sitting on the passenger seat just looking at him tuning him out. I no longer work there so I don't really care if the bitches were one man short.

So I tuned out.

"Nikki, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, I am. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

That was the end of it - or so I thought. All throughout the meal, he sighed and rolled his eyes and winged about going home early. I love the guy but I don't adore him to let myself be abused by his wingeing and his eye-rolling and his sighing. So I told him to quit it.

"It's nice to have an afternoon off once in a while. You've been stuck there all day."

He did try to quit his moaning and groaning until he remembered that he wanted to get promoted and he needed to suck up to the supervisor. He started again.

I couldn't help rolling my eyes. I know. It was childish but it's like being forced to watch CNN.

After a half hour more of it, I asked if I could be dropped off at home. That's when he got nasty.

"You're not coming over? Why did I leave work for?"

Sweet. Can't get enough of that, really.

I left the car and walked towards my house. I heard him drove off. Usually he waits for me to get in the house before he leaves, but he just left. I knew he was mad but he didn't say anything.

Yesterday, he was silent. Literally. I didn't hear anything from him. Didn't message nor call. I didn't message him either. Nor call.

This morning, he must've woken up on the right side of the bed because I got this message:

Hey babe, I didn't finish work last night til 3am. I'm on my way to work now. I start at 1.

That man has serious stress problems. That's why I'm taking him to Brisbane on Friday so we can relax at a hotel and just not worry about anything for a whole day. Have yet to talk to him about that - but he pretty much doesn't have a choice anyway.

Just a thought


When looking through Friendster can you report an ugly photo as an abuse??

Mr. If Only

I was reading a Cosmopolitan Article about how we tend to play the What Ifs and the If Onlys as soon as one relationship falls apart. What freaks me out is the introduction of the article.

If only you didn't have to move overseas - Ouch. I moved overseas hence my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.

If only you hadn't gone on a holiday in Thailand - Ouch. Mark went on a beach holiday in Thailand and met his fiancee.

If only you didn't start your new job and met someone else - I started my new job and met someone else.

Freaky. Freaky. Freaky.

I started to think that maybe I should read the article just so I know what to do with all the unfinished relationships that I had over the past.

One story said that they both wanted different things in their lives. She wanted to settle down and he wanted to travel. She made him choose and he ended up going out and buying a backpack for himself just to make a point that he wanted to go backpacking through Europe.

After a year, she bought a unit for herself, he travelled the most of Europe and now he's asking for a second chance. They both did what they had to do and the girl is contemplating of getting back together with him. Because the emotional barriers that came with their relationship before is no longer there.

Made me think: Is it really worth it? Going back to an ex when he didn't choose you in the first place?

I guess people our age are selfish. I know I am. I won't let anyone get in the way of distracting me from what I have to do. If that had been me, I would've walked too. But it's a bit egotistical to actually come back and expects that the other person would take you back after a long time of being broken up. Trust me, I've been there.

I've played one too many If Onlys in my life I'm starting to lose count. I analyse things way too much that sometimes I foresee the future as something so repulsive that I ended up messing my current state just so I can "alter" my take on my future.

There's a term for my condition. I have yet to look it up.


Hook ups

You can tell I've been reading too much Cosmo articles lately. B got me into it. I guess it's the new terminology for Booty Call. You meet someone, you got it on and don't speak with each other during the week then you call him or he calls you again to see if you're still out during the weekend and you get it on again. No strings attached. Just pure orgasm. Apparently.

I haven't tried it. And it'll be a while before I do. I don't think Johnson will like the fact that I hook up behind his back - that's cheating. Duh.


Wall-climbing

[Or is it rock-climbing]. Whatever. I love it. Gone rock climbing with Johnson yesterday. It was so much fun. I can't believe the adrenalin rush I got from doing it. It was even better to be doing it with him. He's a natural. Not to mention his muscles bulging out everytime he climbs up. Sweet vision of him.

He taught me the basics. Went for his climb and back down. Watched me do my thing and laugh a few times when I slipped. It was fun. It really really was.

Now if only I can get my neck to stop from being sore.


How's this for laugh?

Nick and his new girlfriend are engaged. I'm not into denial or anything. After all, whatever it is that they do, I'll be happy for them both. I just don't think they thought it through that's all.

B went to see them yesterday. They haven't talked about it. Maybe it was a drunken proposal? I don't know.

Unreal.


Newsflash

Mark is coming up in a few weeks. Jono called me up yesterday busting with excitement of his best friend coming up here for his bachelor party. Since Mark doesn't have much friend in Sydney, they [Helen and Mark] decided to have their buck and hen's parties here. So Jono I suppose will be organising the buck's night and I think, I think, Mark will ask me and J to organise the hen's party. How fab. Engagement party de ja vu. Can't wait.

I'm not hung up on Mark. He's turned into a mate now. Especially since he's getting married in a little over a month.

I can't throw a hen's party for someone I barely know. J might not know it yet but I'll leave it up to her. I can take part in any of this.


Just something

My cousin got married on Saturday. Everybody was there. Even my Auntie from Brisbane went to Manila to attend the wedding - oh and the fact that she has to show everyone that she's very much in touch with her family and that she cares so much about them she's willing - along with her bum son to spend a few grand just to attend the wedding becuase they mean so much to her.

Oh, plus the fact that, "Nikki can't tear herself from her busy schedule [ie clubbing, boyfriend, friends, drinking sessions] to even drop by for a few weeks. I heard she had five weeks of holiday at uni.."

No shit, Sherlock. I had five weeks. I started back at uni last week. The wedding was on Saturday. You do the fucking math.


She always has to make me look like shit in front of everyone. Now they're all calling telling me how selfish I am to actually put my social life as my top priority. Manila is not my life anymore. I will always love the place. Will always love the people. Will always love the bars. But Gold Coast is where I'm at. Where I'll be. I'm a Gold Coaster. I think nothing can change that.

It's not like I haven't been there for a while. I was just there six months ago. What's the big fucking deal? My cousin who got married didn't have any qualms. He understood.

Sometimes, I just want to shoot people [Not like I'd do it].