Start of another crazy fortnight

I'm supposed to do my revisions for my final exam on Saturday but I just have to share this little conversation that I had with my ex's friend last night.

So there I was, minding my own business when...

+ hi nikki, c *x name here* nsa bangkok, hehehe

nikkiangara (7:04:05 PM): oh hello

nikkiangara (7:04:10 PM): yeah i know he told me

+ musta ka nman?

nikkiangara (7:08:50 PM): ok lang

nikkiangara (7:08:56 PM): finals na

nikkiangara (7:09:00 PM): sobrang stressed

nikkiangara (7:09:14 PM): ano email address mo

nikkiangara (7:09:16 PM): add kita sa friendster

+ *email address* cge add mo ko, testi ko ah

+ hehehe..musta na kyo ni *x name here*?

nikkiangara (7:11:24 PM): may girlfriend na sha noh

nikkiangara (7:11:26 PM): nu ka ba

+ yep, c *gf name*

nikkiangara (7:12:26 PM): yeah, so there's no me and him na

nikkiangara (7:12:33 PM): seriously though, i'm happy for him

nikkiangara (7:12:43 PM): i know i've caused so much pain he deserves to be happy.

+ ganun ba..wel, mukha nman masaya na nga c *x name here* ky *gf name here*

nikkiangara (7:14:35 PM): exactly and i don't want to mess that up. if he's happy, i'm happy. besides, i saw her and she seems sweet naman. not like me

nikkiangara (7:15:31 PM): Hindi ko nga lang alam if i'll meet up with him

+ e kung nde mo na feel meet sya, wg na..para tahimik na kyo parehas

nikkiangara (7:16:42 PM): i suppose

nikkiangara (7:17:10 PM): it's just sad that it ended this way, you know

nikkiangara (7:17:48 PM): pero i'm doing well na din naman kaya lang ang di ko ma-get is whenever we talk, pinapamukha niya sakin na happy siya kay *gf name*

nikkiangara (7:18:10 PM): tapos ako naman "good for you" tapos nagagalit siya sakin pag may dinedate ako

+ hehehe..magulo na kse kyo

nikkiangara (7:19:41 PM): kung masaya siya di naman niya kelangan ipamukha sakin eh

nikkiangara (7:19:44 PM): alam mo yun

nikkiangara (7:20:04 PM): ako nga di na ko nagkkwento sa kanya eh pero pag may nalalaman siya he hates it

+ kya nga dpat pabayaan nyo muna ang isa't isa..giv urself tym to let it go..wg ka muna maki balita..and ganun dn sya syo..

nikkiangara (7:22:37 PM): i suppose i should stay away.

+ naguguluhan na rn kse sya nikki kaya he wanted 2 move on na..den, un na nga c *gf*..mahal nya na dw tlaga..so un na, c *gf* na pnili nya

nikkiangara (7:25:08 PM): i know

+ un na cnabi nya sken

nikkiangara (7:25:43 PM): i suppose i shouldn't see him na lang

nikkiangara (7:26:01 PM): maybe it's really not meant to be

+ wel, dami nyo na pnag daanan e..kaso la rn nangyari..kung parehas lng kyo na sasaktan sa gnagawa nyo, wg na nga lng..

nikkiangara (7:28:09 PM): It's hard cos a part of me really wanted to patch things up but i know i can't do it to him. cos he's been through a lot. and a bigger part of me had already moved on. maybe we're better off as friends. pero not now.

+ yep..nde nman madali maging friendz kyo e, it takes time

nikkiangara (7:29:50 PM): i know. you know what's funny? whenever i tell him that i'm happy for him, he doesn't believe me

nikkiangara (7:29:58 PM): but i am though

+ wel, sna nga ganun at sna maayos kyo agad

nikkiangara (7:31:27 PM): i don't think it's worth all these trouble

Want to know what really pissed me off?

The fact that I don't really want to know what he's been up to and the fact that I don't really really care whether he's happy with his girlfriend or not. I respect the fact that he's moved on but cut me some fucking slack. I'm the ex-girlfriend. I'm entitled to be hurt.

Everytime we would talk and catch up and view each other's cam, he would make a show of sending an SMS to his girlfriend. He would look so happy. There was an instance when he even had the nerve to tell me that his girlfriend had put the status of "In a Relationship" in her friendster account.

Like I fucking care.

I'm mad cos I couldn't believe he had sunk this low. I can't believe that he would be so immature about this. If he's happy, by all means, be happy. But don't throw it at my face cos I never do it.

Him reading my blog entries is different. I never tell him to read on what's happening between me and Mark cos I believe this is my domain and that I can write anything I want.

But him actually going out of his way to prove to me that he's moved on is completely and utterly low. I never said anything before cos I found it rather amusing.

I retaliated by pretending that I had Mark on the phone and I was laughing it up with him. Though I didn't actually have someone on the phone with me, the look on my ex's face was classic. He wasn't a happy person. Two could play that game I suppose. Only, I'm twenty and not twelve.

But this had gone too far. I'm minding my own business now. I was thinking of saving some sort of friendship with him but now, I kinda lost all interest in it.

Then his friend had the audacity to tell me that it's better if we didn't see each other when I get back in Manila.

BY ALL MEANS. Trust me. I have no qualms on that, believe me.

Like I would want to meet with someone who stomped all over my heart and actually ended our relationship by seriously committing with someone. He closed the door. All possibilities of us getting back together is now out the window.

Maybe he's cool about that. Maybe he's not. Who knows.

All I know is, that was the last straw. Let me live my life cos he's living his. I don't need anyone pulling me back and throwing information at my face on how he's sooo happy and how his gf is a God's send.

His defence was that I dated first. That this is Karma. That it was me who met someone else first. But what he didn't know was the fact that every time I would meet someone, I always compare them to him and nobody measured up. Not even my Mark. It's always been him. All these time. But I guess he didn't see that cos now he's soooooo happy shacking it up with the gf and sharing that info with me in the process.

Naturally, I was spewing last night. I had to tell my mum and Mark. Both were royally annoyed.

"I shouldn't be saying this cos this will make you think but I know that he still wants you. A guy never makes a fool out of himself just cos he wanted to hurt his ex. He's doing it to make you jealous. I also know that there is more than a big chance of you guys getting back together when you get there. I just hope he's not so stupid to hurt you in any way cos you're a great person."

"Ang kapal ng mukha niya. Ano akala niya, patay na patay ka sa kanya? Wag mo nang pagkakausapin yan. Wala siyang kwenta. Sinabi niya na pala sayo na mahal na niya yung *gf name* na yun eh. Bakit kinakausap ka pa niya? Magsama sila nun. Ikaw naman kasi ang tiyaga mo eh. Sa totoo lang ah, nawala na ako ng gana sa kanya. Akala ko pa naman mabait siya. Tapos gaganunin ka pa niya. Sisiguraduhin kong di na sila mag-uusap ni Sheryl. Wag niyang matext text si Sheryl (my cousin in Phils.) at magtanong kung andun ka."

Ok, now it's time to go back to homogeniety of variance condition, degrees of freedom and standard deviations.

Being so irritatingly happy

If only I can save his kisses and put it in a jar to bring it with me in Manila, I'll be a happy girl.

Sigh.

"Nothing beats the first kiss" Fifty First Dates.

After watching the Notebook last night with my girlfriends, I decided to give Mark a call to see if he'll fall in love with me once he sees me in a bump car.

I know it's stupid but I just asked him if he'd like to go to Timezone with me just for kicks.

I saw a side of him that I'd never seen before.

He is a total kid at heart.

His face lit up when we entered the place.

He dragged me from one video game to another.

He begged me to play pool with him.

He is such a good player. He was being pseudo-cocky I hit him several times just to make him stop. He looked so sexy when he raises his eyebrows.

We played Daytona.

Conquered Jurassic Park.

Burned a hole in our pockets.

Played the dance revo. Note: We weren't any good, we kept messing up.

Played Big Bertha.

Cheated on the Golf Course.

And laughed our asses off when we went to the bump cars.

He didn't bump me. He bumped the cars who bumped me.

Such an awesome experience.

He was bummed when I told him I'm going to Manila.

"I hope you know you belong here now." *Sabay point sa heart niya*

Now what happened to me being independent?

I would have to give myself a serious whack in the head if I didn't give him a chance. I seriously doubt I'll be able to get him out of my head. Not because of the Booty Call comment but the fact that we make each other laugh.

"Just want to give you something to remember me by when you're in Manila."

After that, I wasn't able to think of anything else.

Now I need to just get more of those before my flight on the 21st.

Outside My Mark Space

Ok, how's this for a story.

Friend 1 had been going out with friend 2 for four years. They basically grew up together. They both told me at the beginning of the semester that they couldn't see themselves without the other anymore. They both decided to go to Uni together, each studying the course they desire. Everytime I would meet Friend 1 at our lectures, she would always tell me how lucky she is that she found the man of her life at such a young age (both are 23).

Then everytime I would bump into Friend 2, he always says how luck he is that him and Friend 1 are on the same wavelength. They both know what they wanted to do with their lives and they both go after it. Him to be an engineer, her to put up her own business. He told me that after they both graduate in three years, he would ask him to marry her.

"It's the next logical thing to do. We've been together forever and once I get my degree, I can have a good job and I can support her." is what he always tells me.

Their coupling was something to be reckoned with. They were together most of the time and they looked really happy together. We would have lunch together and sometimes me and my other friends would puke cos of their lovely-doos and cuddly attitude towards each other.

Seeing them so happy had me thinking: I need to find a man. I want THAT. I want to make my friend nauseous by having to spend every waking moment with someone who adores and loves me.

That was over a month ago.

Why, you ask?

Because Friend 1 broke up with friend 2 a few weeks ago. She told him that she had fallen out of love. Nobody saw it coming. I didn't. I was shocked as hell when she told me that they had broken up. Apparently, she's been feeling it for a few months. She just didn't want to break up with him cos she thought she couldn't do any better.

I saw friend 2 after their break up. He was a total mess. I think he's suicidal but I don't want to think too much about that. Bee was with Friend2 and he told me that the night Friend 1 broke up Friend 2, he punched his car window and he had to be driven to a hospital. He didn't see it coming either.

Another punch in the gut for Friend 2 was when just after a couple of weeks of being broken up, the news of Friend 1 seeing someone else reached him. Friend 1 wanted me to tell him.

"I'd rather not. I think it's better if it came from you."

So she did. She told him she met a new guy and she's fallen in love with him and that she's never been so happy her entire life.

A serious slap in the face.

Then last Tuesday when I was working, Friend 2 came in to visit. I was asking him how he's been when I saw the cuts in his arm.

He was leaning on the sneezeguard and I noticed it straight away.

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

He pulled away quickly but my eyes started to swell up. I had a major lump in my throat because I've never seen anyone so shattered my whole life. We weren't close but since he hung around with us, I've bonded with him. I can't look at him. It's absolutely painful. Four years had been gone just like that.

Naturally, I had to tell someone. I think Friend 1 deserves to know that her ex-boyfriend planned to kill himself when she told him she has a new boyfriend.

When I spoke to her about what happened, all these negative things about Friend 2 started pouring out of her mouth:

He never tells me I look great. Even when I try to look good for him whenever we go on dates, he never tells me I'm beautiful.

He's always around too much. I need my own space. I need my own time. I don't want him hanging around too much.

He breathes down my neck. I seriously don't want him screening my mobile phone to see whether some guy is asking me out for a date. Jesus, doesn't he trust me?

He doesn't apologise. Whenever we would have an argument, he has to be always right. I am the one who has to say sorry and do some serious ass-kissing for us to be ok again.

I'm fed up Nikki.

"Then why did you stick around for too long?" I just had to ask.

Because I thought I couldn't do better.

That pained me. This girl's self-esteem had hit rock bottom. Let me tell you, she is stunning. But she thought that she should settle for him though she doesn't love him because nobody would want her.

She didn't stick around because of pity. She just didn't want to be alone.

She'd rather be with someone she doesn't love than be alone.

Now, I understand where she's coming from. I know how she feels. I'm scared of being alone. I need someone to take care of me. I'm stupid that way but that's me. I need a boyfriend 24/7 to tell me what to do and to look after me.

But now, I don't think I want to be that kind of girl anymore. I guess it's true that you can see more clearly when it's not happening to you. Her attitude towards relationship is exactly like mine and I was seeing it for the first time.

I can't be like that.

So I told Mark that I want to try to be independent. To be free to do whatever I want. To be happy with just being by myself. To bitch about the opposite sex. To try to be bitter about being single. To be depressed for not having a date on a Friday night. To spend every moment with my friends. To be a third wheel.

"I just got out from a really serious relationship and I don't want you to be the rebound guy. You're too special for me to hurt you in any way. I'm still in love with him and I don't think it'll go away. I just need to find out what my feelings towards him are before I do anything else."

He was wonderful. He told me that he knew I'm having a hard time in terms of my ex-boyfriend having a girlfriend and all. And he knew that my thing with my ex-boyfriend is far from over.

"I can just be your booty call if you like."

Yeah, as if.

Thank you, Mark. You are a wonderful, wonderful person.

An utter dilemma

I have to stop doing this to myself.

I have to stop inflicting pain to myself and to anyone who dares to be close to me.

But there is a sick part of me that wanted for all this emotional turmoil to just be there. A part of me that never wanted it to leave.

Why do I want everything to be so damn complicated?

I really thought I'll be over him now that I have someone whom I can hang out with. Someone who tells me he won't go anywhere. Someone who makes sure I get home safe and had eaten my dinner.

But if I'm so in like with this guy, why did the news of my ex having a new girlfriend pains me so?

Friendster, I'm back

After months of deleted friendster invites, I finally let myself get lured back in to friendsterWorld. I assure you, I won't be an active member of the site.

But if you want, you can invite me.

We're all friends, aren't we?

And it gets better

Hanging out with Mark at Uni is fun. I can tell you that much.

No, we haven't morphed into a couple just yet. We don't hold hands in public. He doesn't kiss me in front of people and we don't hug.

We're just mates.

I've told a few people, though. Everybody is happy for me. Well, almost everybody.

We stayed at the lecture theatre for a grand total of six hours yesterday and he was sitting next to me the whole time doodling on my notebook and sending me SMS even though I was sitting right next to him.

Want to know why I like you so much? It's because you're cute as hell with a personality to match.

Last night at YM we had a good laugh about this little joke he told me: What is a boat that can never ever sink? friendSHIP. (Thank you, friends) I know. Too corny but it cracked the life out of me. I appreciated the fact that he's trying to humor me. I like that in a guy. We stayed online til four in the morning trying to sabotage each other from talking to anyone else.

The coolest thing about this guy is that he doesn't get jealous. I told him I was talking to my ex last night.

ok, Tell him I said hi and I'm not jealous. No! I'm not jealous. Never mind the fact that you went out for three years. I'm not jealous. He was being sarcastic and joking that he was in denial but the truth was, he wasn't really jealous.

OMG, listen to me. I've rambled on and on about this amazing guy for a week now that I haven't blogged anything worth reading. I'm so naughty I promise I'll change the topic the next time I blog. In the meantime, just bear with me while I'm deliriously happy.

And he was there

At last, my crazy weekend is finished and I can't wait to start blogging about it so please bear with me. Here's a thought: what do you do when you go to your boss' shop to pick up the tickets for indy then found out that the van is at the other side of the track?

My answer: You cry while walking. It took me forty-five minutes to walk from Elkhorn Avenue to Macintosh Island.

It was a struggle, I tell you.

I started walking at ten thirty. Yep, the sun was up and angry. Everybody was wearing shorts and tank tops with their flip flops.

They were eady for another day at the racing track.

But not dear Nikki. Nikki had to wear black pants, black shoes and her disgusting purple Subway shirt. I started my journey by walking towards the Esplanade entrance. I had my Saturday ticket punched and my bag inspected.

I came across some really weird people. Guys with their shirts off and beer in hand yelling at the top of their lungs.

Topless girls walking while drunk guys gawk at their enormous breasts.

Little kids holding firmly onto their parents' hands.

Guys and girls talking with friends.

Policemen handcuffing troublemakers.

Drunk guy fighting with another drunk guy.

Guys wearing cute headphones.

It really was a festivity.

The feeling was great. There were jets flying around the place every hour. A sky show where planes did a little formation in the sky (I don't really know what it's called but it was really good.).

There were shops everywhere.

Indy souvenirs, cafes, balloon-dart booths for kids, information desks everywhere, helicopter rides, balloons were being given to everybody, the sound system was great, the local radio station had set up a booth at the track and their music kept the people going.

And of course, the sound of cars racing.

I regret the fact that I worked when I could've just hung out with my Mark at the Indy track for the whole day.

"Look after your bag and drink heaps of water. I don't want you passing out, I won't be there to look after you."

The guy is making me fall head over heels for him. Every word said is a confirmation of his growing affection towards me.

I worked at the van for four hours and had Bernie to pick me up. We ate and caught with what's happening. I haven't told her about Mark yet because I wanted to be totally sure about everything before I start introducing him to my friends.

Since I was doing a double shift, I had Dimpz (Bernie!) dropped me off at the other shop.

I was so tired I was happy when I was welcomed by Mark's smiling face as I closed down the shop. Then my workmate met an accident while riding home and we had to drive him to the hospital. After calling his dad, we drove to Surfers to grab dinner.

"At least this is something we can tell our grandchildren when we get old."

Whoa. Hold up, Casanova. Too early. I gave him this weird look and he laughed. I know he was kidding but still.

When asked about my day, I started to cry. I was so tired. I actually felt my back giving. It was tight. I mean, really tight. We hung out for a couple of hours just staying at the broadwater and just talking. He had his arms around me the whole time and kissing the top of my head.

It felt good. My exhaustion was almost worth it.

If he hadn't cut through my thoughts and told me that it was way past two, I wouldn't have noticed. He drove me home and THAT took another half an hour. Spending time with this man is unbearable, I just couldn't tear myself away from him.

Then Today(well, Sunday), he did the sweetest thing. He stayed outside the van and was just there for three whole hours just waiting for me to finish my shift. It was hot and muggy and he was looking mighty fine in a shirt and shorts and sunnies.

I couldn't concentrate. I had this dopey smile on my face and everytime I would look at him, he was looking at me giving me a sexy smile.

He drove me to Ferry Road and went to pick me up again.

"You don't have to worry about taking the bus or driving, as long as I'm free I'm all yours."

I just got home and I'm still tingling all over. I just can't get enough of him.

He's my happy pill. He makes me smile and I can't think of anything else. I know I'll be seeing him tomorrow at Uni but I still can't wait. This past week had been a God's gift to me. I met an incredible guy and he's willing to stick around.

At the moment, that's enough for me.

The girl he's seeing

Yep, that's how he introduces me to his friends now.

I can't believe how three days of fun, fun, fun can morph into this unbelievable infatuation. I cannot, for the life of me, get him out of my head.

Last night at work, he came in and got himself a sub. I was smiling foolishly as we talked and talked and flirted while I make his sub. He stayed at the restaurant for three hours. Minding his own business. He waited for me until I finished. Then when I locked up the place he told me that he caught a cab to the restaurant because I'll be giving him a lift.

He also gave me a napkin saying CALL ME with his mobile phone number written on it.

He's just too cute. And way too funny.

"I'll stop thinking about you when East Timor is free." It's way too political for my taste but he has this quirky personality that I just can't get enough of.

It almost makes me feel guilty for being so happy. He makes me happy. He makes me so kilig that I can't even begin to imagine what this could become.

When I was having a late dinner with him last night, his mobile phone beeped. It was his friend asking him where he is. "I'm at Surfers with Nikki. The one I'm telling you about." Then looked at me and winked. He is so adorable.

OMG, I'm at this stage that everything he does is adorable and cute and irresistable. This morning at Uni, he was waiting for me outside my lecture theatre with his trademark grin and looking super-sleek in his polo shirt and pants. He called me "boo" then massaged my shoulders. It was amazing. I never dated a guy who goes to the same school/collge/uni with me.

This is a first and I'm loving every minute of it.

No need for a title

Last night was amazing. We met at the restaurant and had Thai dinner. Apparently, his mum is Thai and he adores Thai food.

No complains here, I love the curry and the shirt and the pants and the grin on his face.

We basically talked about everything. It was so comfortable. He started asking me what I wanted to do after I finish Uni and what I'm doing now with Uni and work. What my passion is.

My favourite color.

MY favourtite cartoon as a child.

My favourite Australian Idol finalist.

My favourite food.

Everything.

It was so good. He told me he hates girls who drink, who smoke, who goes out every weekend. I generally squirm. He was watching me and I detected a naughty smile creeping on his face. What a riot. We ended up laughing the whole time. I think this is how you feel when you connect with someone.

I always thought dating is a chore I should just get out of. I don't care about the opposite sex. I just want to find someone who I can connect with and marry him.

But as always, I was wrong. Big shocker there. My experience last night felt so liberating. I finally gave myself a litte nudge in the singledom direction and I'm actually loving myself.

The funny part was, after dinner we went to watch Wimbledon and my friend who took me to the party SMSd me asking me if it's alright if she gave my number to eco-guy because he's been pestering her for it. I told her to give me his number and I'll be the one to SMS him.

But I never did SMS him. I was having way too much fun with Mark to even think of other things.

We went to get coffee and just drove to the broadwater talking the whole time. He put Joss Stone on his CD player and we were singing along with her at the top of our lungs. It was so childish but oh so fun.

We went back to the restaurant to get my car then we said our goodbyes. I pecked him on the cheek and he just rolled his eyes at me but smiled. I know he wanted me to crash to his place to watch Friends DVDs (OMG, he likes friends)but my mum would kill me if I slept over a guy's place. I drove home with a smile on my face. I've never been so smitten my whole life.

The guy swept me off my feet.

My mobile beeped and an SMS appeared from him.

"Had fun tonight. Let's do it again sometime. Say Saturday at the Indy track, I'll wait and drive you to Ferry?"

Ahhhhhh!

create your own visited countries map
or check out these Google Hacks.

I came across this site while reading through her blog. I just realized I've visited fourteen countries in my whole twenty years.

I can't wait to explore more of the Caribbean and the South Pacific. I am such an Island hopper. I don't mind being a Survivor Wannabe one little bit.

I think I may have found my fifth

I'm so tired and the only reason I'm still online now is because of the urgent SMS I received from my friend who just wanted to catch up.

Screw you, Mick.

I promise a detailed account of what happened tonight will be posted up here. If I'm not too busy hanging out with him, that is. I've never been so kilig my whole life. I swear, I'm still tingling all over. Oh, wait. I can't actually blog for a few days cos I have to work for the Indy over the weekend and study for my final exams.

Damn it.

Oh well, I just have to make time. I have no one to share it with except B. She's so excited and she became the second person to actually command me to have a life.

As I type, I'm getting a kikay moment.

I'm not the smartest person.

When it comes to Arithmetic.

When it comes to Abstract Reasoning.

When it comes to being sensitive.

When it comes to love.

I let my guard down again.

I can't help it. I'm so in love with this guy for a grand total of three years.

I was seventeen when I fell in love with him.

I'm twenty and still in love with him.

But I can assure you one thing...

I'm not as dumb as I used to be.

Some things never change

I walked in the lecture theatre and had to smile to myself. I recognized all the familiar faces that had been a part of my geeky life for a good twelve weeks now.

The weirdo who comes in late and sits at the very front row of the theatre disrupting the class at the process because of his enormous laptop case that makes clacking sounds.

The surfer dude who sits at the left side of the theatre wearing army green shorts and brown havaianas thongs and chews on his pen til he hurts himself.

The chinese congregation who clusters at the front and centre of the theatre writing furiously on their notebooks.

The spastic exchange student from norway who writes on his foot "just for kicks".

The International student from Russia who is so eager to make friends with everyone he's become so popular as the try-hard.

The "dreadlocks gang" who goes to uni like they haven't showered and pollutes the theatre as they come in.

The oldies who woke up one day with the thought, "What am I doing with my life? I'm going to Uni." in their heads.

Then there's me. Who sits at the back of the theatre, slouched down and unnoticed. Scribbling away. Nodding occasionally pretending to listen. With an earnest look in my face, I'm the epitome of a good student... NOT!

I learned how to sleep with my eyes open. I can't go through the day without feeling the urge of bashing my head on the wall. Especially during Economics. We just changed our lecturer and he's so bad I can bet my neck I can teach better than him.

Even with his honors and PhD, he didn't teach us much with anything. Now, Final exams are just around the corner and I'll be damned if I passed that subject.

Remember my previous entry about me not being excited about my trip to Manila?

Scratch that.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to go bar-hopping with my friends and my baby.

I can't wait to catch up with friends whom I haven't seen for the longest time.

I can't wait to see my godchildren (is that a word?).

I can't wait to see my relatives.

I know I'll basically be spending all my time with Vmac but I don't care. I can finally taste him (not in an icky kind of way, mind you.).

I can finally take the worries out of my mind and just enjoy spending time with my baby. I've been having dreams about him every single day and it just goes to show that even unconsciously, I get so excited.

Sana November 21 na...

At the moment I've disabled my comment box and the tag-board.

Why, you ask?

Because I think I may be going through a rough time. I don't think I can handle any comments or any hellos when my life in general, is in shit.

And as much as you'd like to think that it is because of you (yeah, it's directed at you.), it's not.

Get over yourself.

For the first time since I held my ticket in my hand, I'm not looking forward to going back to Manila.

Again, it's not about you.

Get over yourself.

I'm scared that when I get there for a visit, we would again have major dramas.

Like what happened last year. I don't think I can handle that with everything that's been going with our lives.

My auntie having cancer.

My Lola and dad getting old.

With my sister going home for a holiday too.

My "Family" having a reunion and me being invited.

The latter scares the hell out of me.

I can't see myself being in the same room with the people who tried to get my mum sacked when she was working.

I can't imagine talking to them when I know the hell they put my mum through.

I just can't.

Call me selfish and wuss.

But it's my life.

I'm entitled to having dreams, fantasies, saying no, saying yes, hanging out with people I find interesting, not giving much time to each and everyone of you, getting hurt, being paranoid, being a bitch and my own opinion.

I may be burned down to ashes in hell when I die.

But at least I lived my life, the way I wanted it to be lived.

Do you want to know the funny part?

I spend my time complaining about how I don't have any time to put together a group project but when I finally found time, what do I do?

I call my girlfriends and organized a sabado-night get-together.

Yes, I know I have an oral presentation tomorrow.

Yes, I know I should be with my group mates.

Yes, I know I should've used my time to finalize my report than hang out with friends.

And...

Yes, I know I should focus more on uni more than anything else.

Believe me, I'm trying. I'm trying to find the right matra to do my uni work but I can't can't seem to find it. That or it doesn't want to be found. Take your pick.

I need to make up for old times.

I love you.

Have I told you that?

I guess not.

I'm not around most of the time.

But I do.

I really do.

You may not hear it.

You may not think it.

But I know you feel it.

I love you.

Stalking at its finest.

And at last, it wasn't me

Some crazy Filipino guy went to my work on Friday and started a conversation with me. He started asking really personal questions such as if whether I have a boyfriend and if my family were rich.

I said yes on the boyfriend part and just laughed on the latter.

Get this, he came in at nine and started harassing me into going out with him at Surfers.

I had to drive him away as he was really freaking me out. He asked me how old I am cos I was doing the "po" thing and he told me not to "po" him as he was only 25.

Then at eleven I saw him waiting for me outside. I had to call the guy who works next door to come get me and walk me to my car.

Holy crap. Now I know what Eco-guy must've felt when I was stalking him.

Oh well, at least I didn't go as far as waiting for him for a couplt of hours.

The obsessive compulsive monster in me.

My back is tight - I need a massage. Check.

My bills arrived - I need to pay them ASAP. Check.

My groupmate SMSd me - I need to send them the first draft of our report. Check.

I can't find my bed - I need to clean my room before I leave for work tonight. Check.

I miss him - I have to send an SMS. Check.

I like LL Cool J's new song - I want to buy the CD. Check.

I'm hungry - I have to cook lunch. Check.

I'm stressed - I need to hang out with my frinds. Check.

Need I say more???

I seldom get angry but when I do, you wouldn't want to be around me.

Don't ever think that I'm the kind of person with super long patience. Ok, I do have a long patience but you wouldn't want to test the waters when I get over it. I may be the smiling gal who takes jokes as easy as 1-2-3 but there's a monster inside me who would eat you up alive if you pushed the wrong buttons.

No, not the obsessive compulsive monster. I like her. She's my friend.

No, not the bitch that rambles incoherently. I like her too. She's also my friend.

No, not the blogger who updates her blog everyday. She's a crazy monster but she's ayt.

No, not the insane ex-again-on-again-girlfriend of vmac. She may be unacceptable but I can put up with her.

No, not the credit card machine monster that shops her heart out when she's depressed. I like her. We have something in common. She's always broke. Like me.

The monster that I'm talking about has been putting up with you for a good number of months now. She's really scary.

No, I'm serious. She's scary.

I guess you already found out, huh?

How was it when you were humiliated by the monster?

I told you she's scary. Why didn't you listen to me?

My not-so-keen-wish coming true

I know it's late but I just can't sleep without blogging about my day. I had the most amazing day today. I finally get to talk with eco-boy. He was the one who came up to me and started asking me about our economics class and how I'm coping with it. I was ecstatic.

I could tell he was really nervous but the weird thing was, I didn't get interested anymore. As soon as I realized that he was showing some interest in me, I kind of clammed up and I got over it.

I don't know if it has something to do with what happened on Monday or I'm just this sick person who stalks people then gets over them really quickly. Whatever it is, I didn't find the gut to give him my mobile number. I didn't even ask for his. We just started talking and even our conversation was weak.

What's even more weird? When he asked me whether I'm seeing someone, I told him I am - even though I'm not. (things with vmac are still chilly and we both promised we'll just sort it out when I get back.)

I just can't believe that I shut him out. After months of moanin' and whinin' about how I'm getting nowhere with him. I feel good though, at least I know he's interested. *grins wickedly*

My very own chauffeur

Bernie woke me up at 9AM pestering me to go driving with her. So I went after I've been to uni. We went to get some drinks (ice coffee with tapioca pearls) at this really nice Chinese cafe and we went for some sushi. This Filo teppanyaki chef was full-on flirting with Bernie which she chose to ignore because she is so much in love with her long-distance "best buddy" right now that she's missing out on a lot of flirting.

I had to cut her off to state the obvious that a hot Filipino guy is checking her out. She was just like, "Huh? Who? Oh, him? Yeah, he's kinda cute. Your babies would be cute." Doh'!

We swooned over Usher's performance at the VMA's and we drove over to Marina Mirage to catch the sunset. Again, we started talking about her non-existent relationship with her best buddy. The best thing was that she ran into her more-than-hot ex-boyfriend (think Chris Klein with an Aussie accent). Now she got all confused because she thought she would be feeling something when she sees him but she didn't which is weird because cos he's her first love (sounds cheesy? bear with me.).

We then went to the broad water to feast on Baskin' Robbins and we went to the Sovereign Islands. We checked out these really nice manors. And when I say really nice, I'm talking about MTV's-Crib-like manors. I got home at 10PM. It's almost one AM and I am not tired.

My conversation with Bernie makes me wonder how I would feel if I saw vmac. I know there's still a big chance that we would get back together. We're just kind of taking a breather at the moment. He thinks I'm all over the place - I'm a scattered brain. I think I am. I don't know. But one thing's for sure. I'm not about to give up on him.

Not by a long shot...

Can someone gobble me up alive?

Before anything else, can I just say that my stalking days are over. I've never been so humiliated in my whole life. I can still hear laughter in my head. So here's what happened... I was at the Learning Centre trying to finish my Yield Management report. Guess who was sitting on the bench opposite the vending machine with his laptop and looking ultra-cute in his white striped shirt, denim shorts and Birkenstock sandals? Yep, him. I walked over to the vending machine to get something to munch while I do my research. Ok, so I did go over there intentionally when I saw him sitting there. Happy??

Anyway, I saw him looked at me and I was thinking to myself, "Hey, if this goes well, I will borrow his lecture notes." So in my attempt to be super cool, I sat on the other bench tinkering with my mobile phone and munching away when I saw the Chinese chic looking at me. I was half hidden in one of the giant poles and I saw her craned her neck to get a better view of me. I walked off and went to a different building when I heard an eruption of laughter. Now I know I can't be sure whether it actually came from them or the laughter was from a different group of students talking about a completely different topic but I actually had goosebumps all over me. I really believe it was them laughing and I was the target of their ridicule. I was so embarrassed. I went to the toilet and collected myself. I realized what a loser I must be. I'm helplessly in like with this guy and I just made an ass out of myself. To make matters worse, I had to go back to the building because I left the computer on and my stuff were still there which means that I would have to walk pass them again. In my whole uni life, that was the first time I dreaded walking pass him. It's amazing how humiliation can knock sense out of you.

So I walked over to the Learning Centre and managed not to make eye contact with any of them. I didn't even sneak a glance. I walked pass like I didn't know them. I deserved an Oscar, ok I'll settle for an Emmy for that. It was too much. My face was burning and I knew I can't face them ever again.

The stalking concluded.

Boo-boos go away

It's amazing how time heals all wounds. In my attempt to sleep, I unearthed my little "memory box". In it were love letters from different boyfriends. Pictures of friends, boyfriends and relatives. Christmas cards from my dad from Canada. Drafts of my blog entries and my true blue Dear Diary journal. Over the years, I managed to used three blank notebooks, now filled with Nikki's daily takes on life, love and how much them two suck.

I started writing my Dear Diary journal when I came across the Sweet Valley High series. My fascination with Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield started at second-grade when she lent me her Sweet Valley Kids book. Their friendship mesmerized me. Thanks to these books I developed to being a drama queen. At nine, I moved to reading Sweet Valley Twins and Friends. Elizabeth's sort-of-boyfriend Todd Wilkins tickled my fancy. I would talk on the phone with her for hours trying to organize how to swap books without getting in trouble with our respective parents. At twelve, I knew I wanted to be a writer - to be able to provide amusement to another twelve year-old bookworm. I adored Francine Pascal. I've read every book this genius had ever written. Sweet Valley University didn't do for me but I read every single book.

Between the twins, I find Elizabeth intriguing. She was portrayed as the perfect twin yet when you read her diary, she was the one cheating on her boyfriend - sometimes even with Jessica's boyfriend. Something about how naughty her actions were written on her diary tickled me so. That's when I decided to write my own journal. At thirteen I didn't have much to write except Carlo made me so angry I kicked him. I hate my mum. She yelled at me for not finishing my dinner.

Keeping a journal became handy when I started to have a boyfriend. I was fourteen when I started seeing my first boyfriend. I was so in love with him. I was sure he was the one - SURPRISE!! I told him that I'll never love anyone as much as I had loved him. Big shock there. I pomised him the stars, the moon, the gawd dang earth. I'll let you in some of my thoughts with him. This was written on our, ahem last weeks...

November 03, 1998 - Tuesday, Just stayed home. I broke up with him.
November 04, 1998 - Wednesday, Watched Parent Trap at Greenbelt.
November 05, 1998 - Thursday, Insomnia daw, I just stayed home. Kami na ulit.

Kaloka diba?

November 06, 1998 - Friday, Watched Ever After with him. I love him so much.
November 08, 1998 - Sunday, It's over between me and him. FOR GOOD!
November 10, 1998 - Tuesday, Nawawala ang I.D. ko. I talked to O***** (some guy.) kilig ako.

November 14, 1998 - Saturday - Y***'s birthday. I swallowed my pride and called him up.

November 17, 1998 - Tuesday - My 7th month Anniversary with him. Yes! He's falling again.

November 18, 1998 - Wednesday - I really love him.

Trust me, my daily accounts til late January was all about him. We broke up. We made up. I hate him. I love him forever. I'm letting go. Hindi ko pa tanggap. I was laughing when I finished reading it. It kind of mended my bruised ego (from what happened this afternoon). Even the way I wrote about my feelings for him was so childish. I've written ILY forever. Tight hugz. Ohmahgawd, I should go to jail for being so corny.

I don't know how to end this really long entry. Wait I'll check my memory box for something corny...

Ah, I'll end this by saying... Ciao for now. Take care cos I care. I Trust And Love You and Just Always Pray At Night.

*tight hugz*

This has been the longest time I've ever shown interest in someone. I saw him (oops. I can't link my old entry as I've deleted it.). He looked so good but the realization that he's with the Chinese chic finally sunk in. I'm trying to shake off the attraction which is hard because he visits me in my dreams now. Ayis told me to stalk the guy. Do the works...

"Sit next to him."
"Borrow his lecture notes."
"Talk to his friends then talk to him."
"For crying out loud, at least try to find out his name."

I would love to do all that. I swear, I would love to come up to him and ask his name or borrow his lecture notes. But I can't. I clam up everytime I see him. He would look at me and I'd turn the other way. I'm such a goner it's pathetic. But the funny thing is, everywhere I go, he's there. Take yesterday, I went to the mall to meet with my friend, (read previous entry.) and he was there with his friends or family, I couldn't tell. I was fumbling through my bag and I almost smacked into him. What a pity. I could've fallen on top of him and I could've died a happy death.

He didn't recongnize me, though. I was wearing my sunnies and I dyed my hair brown so there's no way.

This morning I woke up with thoughts of him; "It's Monday, I get to see him."

Then today, I was queueing to buy a bottle of water and he was at the entrance talking with his friends. Ok, it's a bit obvious that I would run into him here as we both study at this very same place. When I entered the building I saw him looking at me through the sliding door. I'm such a stalker I've perfected how to check him out without full-on looking at him straight in the face. I went to my tutes but he wasn't there. I walked out trying to look for him - yes, it's pathetic. I actually went to look for him. He was sitting at the entrance with a friend and they were talking. I walked past him and I saw him looking at me yet again.

Now I don't know why he kept on looking at me. Whether it's because he finally realized that I'm so crazy about him and is thinking of me as a crazed fan or he likes me. I'd like to think the latter is the reason. But I can't get pass that. I can't get pass the walking past him and the occassional looks.

This is so chilidish. I should just walk up to him and plant a big fat kiss on his mouth and see if there are any sparks. No- that can be passed as a plot for a romantic comedy. I need to do something really out there. Really un-Nikki like. Something that would make me stop in my tracks and draw out a breath thinking; "Did I just do that? No, did I really?"

I'm almost finished with my first semester and God only knows if I'll see him again after this. One thing is for sure, though. I want to talk to him. To get his number and to go out with him. To hog the phone with him on the other end. To drive around with him and to have a good laugh. To spend every moment available with him.

I'm so gone.

When telling the truth isn't so great.

Last week, I saw my friend's girlfriend kissing another guy in the mall. I spoke with my other friend and we both decided not to tell him because it will, ahem, break his heart. Yesterday, I saw his girlfriend with the same guy yet again. I always thought that staying out of other people's business is the most ideal thing to do when it comes to my friends' relationship problems. I'm never the one to butt in and tell them exactly what to do. But seeing her cheat on him pains me. It really bothers me that I know something that would make my friend self-destruct. I knew I had to tell him because if it were me, I would want to know for sure.

I called him up and asked him to meet me. He was with the bitch. They were all cute and cuddly it made me want to hurl. Seriously, I experienced total nausea. I've never been so sick just by looking at a psuedo-happy couple.

I think the girl might have known that I know her cheating ways because she couldn't look at me in the eyes. I was giving her the death glare and she just turned into this spastic bitch and started asking me what the hell my problem was.

"Hah! Want to know what my problem is? You're cheating on J*** that's my problem."

It came out as a scream. I swear the coffee house silenced down. Everybody looked at me. My friend stood up and left the place after thanking me for humiliating him in front of everyone. The girl started crying and I left to ran after my friend. I finally caught up with him and I went to grab his arm but he pulled away. He was crying beyond belief. I swear, he looked so heartbroken I wanted to go back to the coffee house and slap the girl.

We talked for a little while and he then asked me how I knew. I told him I saw her with the same guy a couple of times and they were all cuddly and kissing and being all PDA and crap. I told him I found it so repulsive and incredibly gross. He asked me how long I've known. "About a week now." His eyes grew big and he started yelling at me for making him look like a fool for a whole week.

"that's not what friendships are about, nikki. When your friend gets shitted on, you tell"

I hung my head. I felt like a total creep. I knew I should've said something but I didn't. He gave me one last look and shook his head. I knew it would take a long time for him to start talking to me again. *sobs*

Right now, I'm thinking of calling his now ex-girlfriend and give her a piece of my mind. I hate her. I. HATE. HER.

A whole day of fun, fun, fun...

I always thought that my friendships are just skin deep. I get a call whenever they need someone to hang out with. I get a call whenever they're bored. I get an SMS whenever they want to "chill". I'm the kind of person to contact if you like to vent out your anger and I'm the kind of person to be with if you want to tell off someone. Somehow, my quick wit tends to shut people up.

I also like to think of myself as a very easy person to spend time with. I heard one of my friends telling her other friend that she should meet me because I'm a very friendly person. Til recently, I'm always present at parties. I'm there when you SMS me to go have a cup of coffee with you even at 11 pm. I'm not the quiet one in the group but I'm not the talker either. I provide my friends with comic reliefs. But technically, I don't want to go around giving advices. I'm the one that tells them what they wanted to hear. I'm useless with advice but they seem to think I ace at it. I don't know, maybe they're just so desperate they really need someone - even if that someone is me.

But just for the record, I'm not friendly. I'm a snob. I snub people and I can make them feel like this small just by staring them down - a look I've mastered over the years. I have a cold stare that turns things into ice (not literally, though) and a sharp tongue that turns people into mush. Yeah, I am a bitch and I have no idea why people still want to hang out with me.

I always thought that my tongue would get me into trouble. That someday, I will regret what will come out of it. That I will meet someone who would slam my face and call me on it.

I sometimes even think that my mean way of putting people down had somehow rubbed off on my ex and now I'm paying my dues. I'd like to think it has nothing to do with me but last night, it was confirmed. I've turned into a monster. I don't even know myself anymore. I can't hide from what I am. But the least I can do is to try not to pull everyone down with me...

"Fuck this, I'm outta here" at ym while speaking with him.

I can't even remember what the fight was about. It;s just that when I'm pissed iif, you wouldn't want to be in my line of vision because I can let you fall into pieces.

I'm sorry for what I said but I'm not sorry for anything else... Maybe we really are over. We both just don't want to accept it.

An ugly, ugly world...

Today, a story about child pornography had filled the news. I feel so sad on how the world has evolved. Why are people doing these? Why would a sick person be interested on child pornography? I just can't stomach the fact that paedophilas are very much in our society and the fact that no amount of security can be provided for kids. No matter how much you wanted to protect you child, it's just not safe anymore.

It makes me think if it's still worth to bring a child to this world when it's become so negative and ugly...