Finally, I diverted my attention to once cute bartender

His name's Gordon*.

And he's got the cutest British accent ever. The blondest hair I've ever seen. And the tannest skin a western man can ever possess.

He is so hot.

I seriously think I'm going to have a serious crush on this one. I mean, seriously.

Too bad I can't take a photo of him. I can't bring my mobile phone in to work. But it'll be a shame to not see what he's like. He is really hot.

He's good to look at but he's better to talk with.

He's nice and funny and cute.

Really cute.

I better stop now before you guys start barfing.

____________
His real name is Rodney but I thought he's more of a Gordon. So we'll call him Gordon, shall we?

The best distraction ever

My cousin from Manila, along with her kids, her husband, her mother-in-law and her mother are coming over in Queensland in just two weeks.

It's final. They'll be arriving in Brisbane airport on 9 April and will be spending a week in Brisbane before coming over to Gold Coast.

Once again, I have something to smile about.

I want to be surrounded by my nieces and cousin.

Just to take me away from all these mini-dramas in my life.*

_____________
Just mini now. I'm seventy percent there.

Two weeks

A few of my relatives from Manila will be coming to visit.

In two weeks. I'm so excited. God knows I needed a distraction.


In other news

I decided to defer one semester. To work full-time for once and not worry about due dates and assessments and lectures and lecturers and tutorials and tutors.

And also, I know I won't be able to concentrate anyway so I'd rather defer than fail.

I spoke to my parents about it and they were both cool.

They're not entirely happy about it but they support my decision. They made me promise I'd go back though.

They were scared that I'd never go back to university once I get the taste of working full-time and having a more than enough salary.

But I will go back, I won't stop til I get my Master's in Marketing Management, remember?

Big sigh

My friends are back on going gaga over Boracay.

I completely forgot that summer had started in Manila. Here I am, finding it hard to drag my ass out of bed because it's just too damn cold.

And everyone in Manila are gearing up on buying bikinis, floaters and sunscreen for their beach holidays.

I swear talaga, pag punta ko sa Manila I'll go to Boracay..

My super emote days

I've been so depressed lately I've been bingeing on anything I lay my eyes on.

I wouldn't be surprised if I put on five kilos.

Don't be stupid. You've worked so hard to lose weight it's stupid if you're going to put it back on because of a stupid guy, you stupid girl, Carlo said.

He's right. His cousin is stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Oh yeah, you should wear a shirt that says I'm with stupid, I said.

Once again, stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You're not stupid, he said.

I am stupid. I'm stupid enough to fall enough in love again and give love a go.

You can't honestly say you were in love with him, he said.

The truth is, I think I liked him more than I thought. Otherwise, how else can you explain the fact that I'm still hurting?

You weren't in love. You were just overwhelmed, he said.

Yep, I was overwhelmed.

I was overwhelmed because I thought he was different.

Why are you hurting anyway? You were the one who ended things with him, he asked.

I ended things with him because I was mad at him. Not because I stopped liking him.

Definitely not because I stopped liking him.

There you go, and now you can't take it back, he said sympathetically.

I don't need sympathy. I don't need anything to be quite honest. I just want to be alone and cry over my failed relationship.

With everything that happened, I think I deserve to cry over it. Then I'll dry my tears and move on with my life.

How am I supposed to move on if I couldn't even cry over it?

Have you cried over it, he asked.

Yep. Yes I have. Plenty of times.

Well, then dry your tears and move on with your life. Focus on something productive. Like take up a class or have a haircut, he said.

I already had a haricut. I now have a woman's mullet. It looked good but even my haircut reminded me of him.

Because I changed my hair for him. The way he shaved his head for me.

Go out and get drunk, he said.

I can't even do that. Because when I get drunk now, I'm reminded of how he took care of me when the girls and I went out with him and his friends. And I got really drunk - and he took me to bed and fed me Krispy Kremes.

I inflict pain on myself. I know it hurts me to think of him but I just couldn't help it.

Not only is my heart broken but my self-esteem and confidence had gone really low.

The thing is, other people think I played him. With the way I broke up with him.

He's not a Happy Meal toy Nikki, one of my friends said.

Just cos you get tired of him doesn't give you the right to flick him and just move on to a much more exciting toy, he added.

I didn't get tired of him. It was the opposite actually. I wanted to see more of him because I was falling more in like with him.

Then to add salt on my wound my cousin did the unthinkable. I'm beginning to think if he's really out for my best interest or not.

Download that song from Regine Velasquez [a Filipino singer], he said.

Dadalhin kita sa aking Palasyo, I cringed.

Stupid me, I downloaded it and I started bawling my eyes out.

Then I realised how pathetic I must've looked.

Ok, no more tears. Wipe it up, Nikki and move on, I told myself.

This will be the last entry about Emmet.

I promise you guys that much.


On Hook ups

I went out with Amber on Monday.

I went out with Amber and Bernie last night.

I think it's true what they say. Alcohol does make the pain go away.

I just want to add three people on my hook up list this year.

Hook-ups: 5

There. At least I'm getting my self-esteem back.

So overdramatic

I hate myself for being such a drama queen.

I hate dramas. And I hate heart aches and complications.

But they seem to love me.

On Sunday, I got a message on MSN from him.

He wanted to know if we can be friends.

I'm sorry. I don't stay friends with my exes, I said.

And neither do you, I added.

I know but you are such a cool chick, so sweet and a genuine person. You have a heart of gold, he said.

Yeah, I guess that's why I always get treated like crap, I said.

Me too, he said.

I don't mind being friends with you, he added.

If you think I have a heart of gold, then why didn't you take care of it, I wanted to ask.

If you think I'm a genuine person then why did you feed me with all the bullshit, I wanted to yell out.

But yet, all I said was, No I don't think it's a good idea for us to be friends, it's just hard to stay friends with someone you have feelings for.

I'm not going to break my rule for him.

Not for now, for later, he asked.

No sorry, I don't think so, I said.

What about on MSN, he asked.

If you catch me online, then yeah we can talk, I replied.

But I highly doubt that I'll talk to him on MSN. Not only because I'm busy but also the fact that I have far more important people to talk to.

I guess it's better this way, you really deserve better, he said.

Yeah, I do.

I just want to tell you that if ever you need someone to talk to I'm here, he said.

That pushed my button. Bad. How dare he feeds me with the I'm-here-if-you-need-me line when that was exactly the reason I broke up with him?

That he wasn't there for me. At all.

No you're not, that's why I broke up with you remember, I snapped.

The last message I got from him was, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Then he went offline.

Guilt washed over me. He doesn't deserve my wrath. Being a bitch to him wouldn't change what happened.

I want to handle this break up in a mature way. So I messaged him, Hey sorry for being a bit cold to you on MSN, I'm just telling you that if you need to talk or to be cheered up, I'm here for you as well, take care always.

It didn't make me feel better but at least he knows I have no hard feelings towards what happened.

He doesn't need to know that I stay up late at night thinking about him. And that I've shed more than a few tears on him.

He definitely doesn't need to know that.

Not thinking about him is actually harder than I thought.


I'm a true-blue cancer

I dropped off Keegan and Phoebe in Southport on Sunday night.

I told them that I just broke up with my boyfriend.

What? I can't tell from your face. You still look happy, Phoebe said.

I guess, I'm really like that. I never ever show my true feelings. When I'm at work, I don't tell anyone what's bothering me.

No one needs to know that my heart is breaking. I separate business from pleasure.

Everyone thought I'm doing fine. I put a great front.

Sometime it makes me wonder; Am I in denial of the pain. Because I am in pain. I just don't want to show it.

I don't people to think I'm weak who can't handle a break up. Because I can.

I guess it comes with my star sign. I never ever show my true emotions to just anyone.

Except to the people I trust.


When a stranger calls

I hate prank calls. I never liked them.

I especially hate people calling on private number. I never answer them.

So when Iris, J and I decided to watch When A Stranger Calls, I didn't know it would be freaky.

I knew it was sort of a thriller but I never thought it would push some of my fear buttons.

Freaking hell, I had a nightmare last night, J messaged me this morning.

Remember when the police called her and told her the call is coming from inside the house, I can't get that out of my head, she continued.

Hang on, let me get my keys so I don't have to look for it when I'm alone outside, Iris said when I dropped her off. She stayed in my car to fish for her keys and she was just about to get ready to get out of my car and run towards her house.

I called my mum and asked her to wait up for me and to open the garage door for me so I don't have to get out of the car and open it myself.

We were too freaked out that I'm positive we'll stick to comedy genre next time.

We are three silly, silly girls.

I am weak

But my friends make me strong.

Last night, I begged Iris to come over to my house to hang out.

I didn't want to go clubbing as I was semi-over it. Now I don't see the point of going out and getting pissed and hooking up. I can say I've been there and I've done that.

I'm not going to rule out clubbing altogether though, I'm no nun.

Anyway, I like talking to her. She gives the best advices and she understands exactly where I'm coming from.

So I organised to pick her up at her house and drive over to Broadbeach to buy some alcohol then to head home and watch a couple of DVDs.

So we bought a six-pack of West Coast and a four-pack of Smirnoff Double Black.

Then we settled on the couch and watched Bruce Almighty and The Longest Yard.

Every now and then I would go outside and have a quick smoke while we talk about my break up with Emmet.

The girl is a master clown.

She made me laugh about stupid stuff and she completely took my mind off Emmet.

We talked about how breaking up with Emmet has more pros than cons.

At least now you can handle any kind of problems in a relationship, she said.

Irregardless of what kind of trials that come your way, at least now you know what to do and how to go about it, she added.

She has a point.

Because breaking up with my ex-boyfriend of three years did teach me something; if I can survive that nasty break up, I can do anything. And I did survive it. It took a while but I did it. Now no amount of heartache can make me stay in bed and sulk all day.

Then ending things with Mark [I can't really call it a break up cos we weren't officially together - ever] taught me to let go of someone totally special knowing that it will make everyone involved better off.

Having broken up with Johnson made me realise that no matter how perfect the person is; no matter how much money he's got saved up, how many houses he have under his name, never mind the fact that he drives a kick-ass car, if you're not feeling it, you just can't bring yourself to commit.

And now Emmet, he taught me one thing, that no matter how much you like someone, how much you care about the person and how much fun you have with him, if there are certain things about him that you just can't accept, it's really never going to work out.

And that's what happened with us. There is just one flaw in him that I just can't accept. I refuse to put up with and will never get used to.

So now you know what you really want in a guy. You've set the bar. You have specific standards so the next time a guy comes along, you know what you're looking for, Iris said.

I know what she's saying.

I also know deep down that I did the right thing.

I don't hate the guy, it's not his fault why I broke up with him. After careful assessment of what happened, I can say that it wouldn't be a bad thing if we became friends.

I'm just not sure if he would want to be friends with me though. Would you be friends with me if I broke up with you via text saying this;

Hey, guess you're pretty busy seeing as you don't reply to my messages. I'm just telling you that I'm done. I'm sorry but I've had it. I like you but it's just not worth it. I haven't seen you for a week now and we make plans but you stuff it up. I deserve better than that. Take care always and I wish you all the best.

Would you?

I wouldn't be friends with myself if I broke up with me that way.

I feel like a total shit for doing that to him. I've been contemplating on doing it for weeks now.

As much as I want to grab my mobile phone and dial his number and ask him to forget about what I've written on my text message to him, I can't.

It's done and somehow, I know we're both better off.

I just need to fill the lonely nights that would defintely come my way.

And somehow, my friends are doing a damn good job to make sure that I don't have an extra second thinking about him.


Twenty seconds of insanity

Last night, as Iris and I were driving home, she asked me to drive past Emmet's house. Just to see if he was home.

Well, he hasn't replied. It's either he had his phone on silent or he was low batt, she reasoned.

So if his car is in the house he would definitely have gotten your text message, there won't be any reason why he wouldn't reply, she added.

So I turned on his street.

I feel like I'm stalking him, I whined.

No, it's not stalking you just want to know if he's home, she said.

That is stalking, I laughed.

Let's bring out our night vision goggles while we're at it, I joked.

I stopped my car a couple of houses from his and switched off my headlights.

Now that's stalking, she said.

I drove past his house with my headlights off and slowed down as I checked out his car. Then I saw another car parked outside his house - a Jaguar.

Fuck, I shouted.

What, Iris asked.

His brother is in town, I said.

How do you know, she asked.

The Jaguar parked outside his house, that's his brother's car. The one who lives in Brisbane, his twin, I said.

That's probably why he hasn't been in contact with you that much, his brother is in town and of course he wants to spend time with his twin, Iris said.

This is a bad idea. We never should've done this, now I feel like a total shithead for dumping him, I whined.

Whoa, hang on, you didn't just decide for this now. You've been thinking about this for a while, she said.

As usual, she was right. It just so happens that his brother is in town when I broke up with him but it has nothing to do with him being on hiatus this week.

It has everything to do with him being on hiatus everytime I want some qt with my bf.

But I've never ever stalked a guy before.

At least that would be a good story to tell my grandkids in the future*.


I need a distraction

That's it. I will go back to the gym and lose more weight.

I want to lose another five kilos before my 22nd in July and another three before I go to Manila for Christmas.

Plus, I want to be silly in crush with someone. I don't want to have a boyfriend but I want to just be hopelessly in like with someone - just a silly crush that would make me get up in the morning to perve on him.

Sort of like Eco Guy and German Guy aka Norsk sagas.

I miss them days.

_________

* I onced drove past this boy's house just to see if he's home. Oh and I turned off my headlights too just to make sure that he doesn't see me checking on him.

Things I'm thankful for

Break ups are a bitch.

I think I've stressed that enough. It's hard enough that I have to break up with someone who I really though was cool.

But it's harder to get used to the fact that I have to cut all means of communication with the guy.

A part of me is wishing that he'd call. To ask me to go for coffee and catch up.

But a bigger part of me doesn't see it happening.

But my friends make sure I'm distracted as hell so I don't have to think of him.

On Tuesday, I went to the movies with J. We watched Firewall and that took my mind off eerr.. things.

Went to the wrong movies again. We accidentally went to the Pink Panther one again so we had to slipped out of the cinemas - we had a laugh about that.

On Wednesday, I worked and my friends from worked helped me forget what an ass Emmet is by making me laugh the whole entire shift.

On Thursday, I went late night shopping with Iris. I bought myself Clinique cosmetics and had dinner with her. We had chicken joy from Jollibee [it's just a rip off of the original Jollibee in Phils], garlic potato and rice with gravy.

Yesterday, was spent working again. With Keegan [our junior staff] draining the energy out of me by cracking corny jokes.

Today I went all out and did some shopping. I bought three tops and binged on burritos and Ice cream with Dimps.

So five days of just hanging out with friends. I can't stress this enough; my friends are gold.

They are a real treasure.

It will be ski season in hell before I trade them up with some dumb guy.

Ok it's official

I officially don't care about Emmet and I.

Never mind the fact that the boy is always on my mind. Sure, I still call him once in a while to see how he's doing but we have OFFICIALLY drifted apart.

Think not seeing my so-called boyfriend for a week and a bit now.

Think self-esteem plunging from Everest high to a pathetic low.

Think bingeing on New Zealand Natural and fast food takeaways.

Yeah, I've lost a promising relationship but I can't say I didn't see it coming.

Somehow, we're just not a match.

The only good thing that came out from this is that at least, I'm not scared to give a relationship a go.

He doesn't want to "break up" but he doesn't want to make it work either. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm far more valuable than to be treated like a piece of crap.

I'm not saying that because I'm up myself or anything but it stings me that he tells me he loves me but then proving otherwise.

It's not his fault I thought of him as different.

It's my fault for thinking that he's actually a decent guy. For trusting him without even knowing what he's like. I hate feeling this way.

It feels like everything is betraying me. My ex-boyfriend, my health, my schedule.. and the list goes on.

I feel like my life will be constipated for a while. I don't think it's a bad thing though.

I did say angst-free. And somehow I'm delivering. Yeah, I'm disappointed but that's about it.

Disappointed at him for wasting my time. For letting me think - for a second that there are decent guys left out there.

Disappointed at myself for letting him close to me. For actually thinking; hey this guy's different. He's not.

Disappointed at the situation because I actually turned down someone I was really keen on to give the relationship a chance.

Everything happens for a reason, dad always says.

It's pretty obvious what the reason is. He's just not the right guy.

And somehow, as it dawned on me that he's not the right one for me, it doesn't seem as bad. Sure, I'm alone and I'll be missing him because let's face it, we were good for a while, but I'd rather learn that there isn't any connection now than later on down the track.

So yeah, this year love-wise is going well*. Let's sum it up, shall we?

hook-ups: 2

boyfriend: 1

break-up: 1

Charming, isn't it?

*I'm being sarcastic here

The gray area

I haven't seen Emmet for almost a week now.

We still talk and catch up over the phone. But to think that we live only twenty minutes from each other and neither of us is trying to compromise is a big worry.

I'm too busy and he has to deal with his own thing as well, whatever that is.

We'll make plans to meet up and neither of us would follow it up. It's just not happening.

I don't think there's anything there and to be quite honest, I'm not fazed. It's a shame because I actually like the guy.

I like him. I really really do, but it's just not worth it.

I don't think my feelings for him are enough for me to actually put up with it. Why do I have to deal with acting like a really devoted girlfriend who checks on him once in a while and calls him my baby when deep down I sigh when I pick up my phone to call him.

I'm beginning to feel like checking up on him and having a chat with him is more like a chore rather than something I'm really keen to do.

He'd call and ask me what I'm upto and I'd launch into a litany of complaints about how I'm too tired or I have to crash early cos I have an early start the next day.

Just so I don't have to actually get up in bed and drive over to see him.

I'm not brokenhearted. I've gotten stronger. And it made me deal with break ups a lot easier.

But the thing is, I don't think we're breaking up. We're just drifting apart.

And the scary thing is, I'm just sitting here watching it happen.

Some men would make you get up in the morning and put a smile on your face.

Emmet is the sole reason why I want to be in bed and stay there for a very long time.

He's like a part-time job that I have to get to for a few hours a week.

And I think I want to file for resignation.

Crazy

I've been working like an overworked Indonesian these past few weeks it's not even funny.

I haven't had time to catch up with Amber or Dimples. Or to talk to my dad. Or even see Emmet [not that it matters - I'll talk about that a little bit later].

The only people I've been in contact with are people at Uni. Translation; Jewel and the crew, Iris and my new classmates for this semester.

It was that crazy that I stopped going clubbing altogether. I've been sober for eighteen days now.

I'm back to watching movies, going for long drives and having long chill-out sessions at coffee shops with my friends.

I'm back to people-watching and my stress level had gone way up I've started chain-smoking.

I know, I know, it's not good. Especially since Dana Reeve died of lung cancer and she didn't even smoke.

The irony of life, eh?

Anyway, on Tuesday, we watched Pink Panther. It was hilarious.

Though Steve Martin is not a comedy genius, Pink Panther was awesome. The accent, the plot, even Jean Reno was classic.

I guess it's true what they say, you really won't have a social life when you work in hospitality.

I hardly ever see my parents and I live with them. When I finish work, I literally just pass out. I get a grand total of five hours sleep every day.

Then drag my ass to work at seven-thirty. I finish at twelve-thirty then go to uni for a few hours for my lectures and tutorials then come back to work at five-thirty til twelve thirty at night.

I only get one day off a week and that is allotted for uni. So really, I don't get a day off.

Imagine how I'll be doing this for the next thirty years of my life.

Somehow, the thought doesn't scare me as much.

It's a few more feet

But it sure is a lot of work.

I'm getting bored with Emmet. With him, with us and with everything that we do.

We don't have the special we-belong-together bond. None of the Ross-and-Rachel relationship that everybody just knows that we are meant to be.

But then again, we've been only been together for a month and a half. But no one can really say that I didn't give it a chance.

Because I did.

I know relationships are too much work. And it's not all bed and roses. Or a walk in the park.

Yada, yada, yada.

But still it shouldn't be this hard.

I like him a lot and I'm disappointed that it's really not working out. But at the same time, I don't want to waste any more of my time.

If you're not feeling it, drop it, Carlo told me.

Stop wasting your time, Mum said.

But I do feel sorry for him. Because though we don't have the we-are-meant-for-each-other bond, I like hanging out with him.

I like getting countless bear hugs from him.

I like teasing him about his age, his hair - mainly just giving him so much shit.

I like dropping small kisses on his cheek and blow air kisses on his neck.

But that's it.

I can't see myself being his full-time girlfriend.

Yeah I know, you don't have that happy glow when you're hopelessly in love, Iris observed.

I don't. Because I don't feel like a girlfriend.

I feel more like a friend who he gets to hang out with when he's finished playing poker with his friends or when he's done working out at the gym.

I would've been okay with that. Except for the fact that he tells me that he's my boyfriend and that we're in a relationship.

But if we are, shouldn't I be the first priority?

But I'm not. I'm somewhere in between cleaning his room and having his car washed.

How can he expect that I buy the fact that we're in a relationship when we don't do anything except laze around in his place and watch Austar and countless of DVD's.

Ergo, I'm getting bored. I think it's time to dump my so-called boyfriend. Because I don't see where this is going to be quite honest.

And hell would freeze over before I'll be ok with him being my boyfriend and me not being his girlfriend.

Another classic example that men fake relationships.


Enough of my relationship problems.

But I do have another one.

I lost my wallet.

Not only me, but Iris and Jono as well.

Iris and I lost our wallets at the same in the study area of the library at uni.

Though I had about fifty dollars in my wallet. I was more worried about my credit cards, my key cards, ID, licence and the most important - my VIP club cards.

I reported the incident to security and apparently, I was the fourth person that reported that to them.

They were terribly sorry for my loss.

Yea yea yea, whatever.

Pure exhaustion

I never thought I'd be tired enough to pass out as soon as my head hits my pillow.

On Sunday I was meant to go out clubbing with Amber and the girls again. Though it was raining, I was still planning on going out with them as it was Erin's last weekend on the Gold Coast.

I was about to send Amber a message telling her to wait for me for an hour and I'll drive to town and head out with them.

An hour is just what I need to recharge, I said. Besides, I didn't have to work on Monday so I figures I'd have a whole day to recuperate.

So I went to bed and closed my eyes.

I still had my bra, my earrings, my necklace, my bracelets, my rings, my jeans, my t-shirt and my jacket on.

When I opened my eyes, it was already sunrise.

I looked at my mobile phone and realised that it was already seven thirty in the morning.

I had fourteen missed calls. And Eighteen messages.

I realised that I didn't even put my mobile phone on silent.

I somehow slept through twenty eight rings of my phone.

And the knock from my mum telling me that I need to take off my jacket because it was wetting my bedspread.

I was in a coma for eight hours.

My life revolves around my uni and my work now.

I don't have much time trying to catch up with Amber and the rest of my friends.

I'm not going to say I need a life. Because I think this is my life.

It may not be socially exciting but it defines who I really am.

Double Hurrah

Or triple hurrah.

Ate Bubbles, Ninong Chris, Bianca and Bea - aka my cousins in Manila are coming over here.

On the 8th of April.

Too bad I can't come, Carlo said.

Yeah, too bad, I would've taken a few days off to get you drunk, laid and all partied out, I joked.

I don't need your help to get laid, he answered.

A part of me wished that my cousin is coming. It would be awesome if he comes here. He'll see this part of my life.

Yeah, and a chance to kick Emmet's ass, he said.

What.Ever.

A new job really takes alot out of you

I'll be working til Monday at my new job. I'm really excited about it as the people I work with are really nice and outgoing.

On the downside though, the Bar Supervisor is my old hookup's best friend. Which made everything a tad complicated.

But it's all good as we're both trying to not remember anything that happened that night all of us got really drunk.

It wasn't like he was the one I hooked up with. But it's weird watching him crane his neck to see who Emmet was - when he came in to visit me at work.

I caught him giving Emmet the eye a few times - and he shouldn't really do that as Kevin [his best friend] and I didn't really achieve take off.

So yeah, work is good but the world is just too damn small.