A not so new year's resolution

When I was praying to God to please please get me back together with Emmet, I made a plea bargain with Him.

That I would stop smoking if that would mean another chance with Emmet.

And He answered my prayers.

I now have to commit to my promise.

Starting tomorrow, I will quit smoking.

You don't believe me?

Ok then, as soon as I finish my last packet.

God help me get rid of this disgusting habit.


You'd freak out too

If your boyfriend's best friend says that you look like an old married couple.

We caught up with Emmet's best friend, Alex at Varsity Lakes tonight.

He just finished going to the gym and was keen on watching a movie with us.

What you guys upto, he asked.

Nothing much, just dropped off Wai at the airport and I think we're just going to go home, Emmet replied.

Do you want to watch a movie at my house, I have Shaolin Soccer, Alex said.

We looked at each other and said, Nah, in unison.

Alex laughed. The big bear guffawed and said, you guys looked like an old married couple just then.

Emmet punched him on the arm.

I cringed.

So Emmet and I with Alex's coaxing agreed to watch a movie with him.


Let's talk babies

When we were on our way to Alex's house, I asked him, would you want to have a kid someday?

He was quiet and changed the topic, do you want me to get rid of the rubbish, panget?

I was quiet.

Not if I'm not financially stable, he said.

I can't bring a child into this world if I can't provide for it.

So if I asked you to have a child with me now otherwise forget about it, would you break up with me, I asked.

Well, yeah cos obviously you'd want something that I'm not ready for. And I'd rather give you the freedom to look for someone that would want the same things as you rather than tell you, yeah let's have a baby and will be in financial rut for the next twenty years of our lives, he said.

Are you that selfish to tell me, it's either we have a baby now or see yah later, he asked.

Because if you are, I don't think I'd want that person to be the mother of my kids, he said.

Oh my goulash, my panget is growing up.

Honestly, I'm not ready to have a baby - not even in the next five years.

I'm financially unstable and I of all people should know that a baby deserves to have both parents to be there to see him/her grow up.

I'm not proud to admit it, but I'm still too selfish to take care of another human being. How can I save up for the baby's school fees? If I'm struggling to keep afloat paying my own bills?

How can I worry about rent when my weekly income is not even enough to cover my lifestyle?

Don't get me started with lifestyles. I'm not ready to give up my partying ways.

My girls night outs.

My late night movies with Emmet.

My fancy dinner outings with Emmet.

My holiday dreams with Amber and Emmet.

The thrills of going on double dates with Ayis and Lee, Kelly and Alex, Amber and Mitch.

The late nights with Emmet.

I don't want to worry about being home at a set time because my kid is waiting for me.

I love kids just as much as the next guy and I have every intention to reproduce a few myself but not in the next five years.

I want to be with someone for a good five years before getting engaged.

I want to go to South America and to Europe.

I want to get engaged for at least a year.

I want to have a lavish wedding in Hawaii or Fiji or Vanuatu before I get pregnant.

I want my honeymoon on a cruise ship.

And I want savings in my bank account, a house under my hubby and my name and a car that's been already paid before I pop a child.

So I guess I'm looking at having a child when I'm forty.

Hopefully, I'm not yet menopausal by then.


Stole this from Ariane

1. What color is your phone? Black
2. Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M? Marie, my friend Coombabah State High School
3. Who's the last person you called? Wai - one of my guy best friends.
4. Who was your last missed call from? Wai - again!
5. Who's the second person who comes up under D? Dad's new mobile phone number
6. Who's speed dial 2.? hmmm.. interesting I haven't installed anyone.
7. Who's the third person who comes up under J? Jenny, my gorgeous friend from Sydney
8. Who was your last received call? Wai - yet again!
9. Who's speed dial number 4? No one.
10. What is your background? A background photo of the snow.
11. How many text messages do u have? 145. jeeez, SMS addict much, Nikki?
12. Who's speed dial number 3? Once again, No one.
13. What does the fifth message in your inbox say? From Wai - Bel is wondering if you could work tomorrow morning [you all know the answer to that one!! of course not!!]
14. Who's the first person under B? - Balance Check
15. Who was your last text message from? Wai - I'm sensing a pattern here!!
16. Name every person you have text messages from. Is it really necessary? I have 145 messages... Wai, Emmet, Chef Paul, Voicemail, Leo, Rebecca, Amber, Keegan, Rob, Regan, Iris, Supervisor Geoff, Kirsty, Bernie, Jewel, Nevenka, and Emily.
17. Have you seen the 101 Chuck Norris facts? I'd have to kill myself first.
18. Who's the ninth person on your missed calls? Private number - one of my stalkers most probably.
19. What does the 6th message in your outbox/drafts say? I delete my messages in the drafts folder.
20. Who is the first name in your phonebook? Amber!!!
21. Who is the last name in your phonebook? -_-baby-_-
22. Do you have a camera phone? yep
23. Who is the last person under G? Godfrey, one of my workmates.
24. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Guess what? Her flight got delayed til 3am. Stuck at the airport til then.." From Wai, he's meeting the girlfriend in Melbourne.
25. Who is the second person under K? Keegan
26. What is your ringtone? The conventional ring - I'm boring like that!

And since we're on the topic of lists

1. Have you ever smoked heroin? hell, no
2. Do you own a gun? no
3. Do you get nervous before Dr. App.? yes
4. What do you think of hot dogs? one of my favourite food while growing up
5. What's your favorite Christmas song? I saw mommy kissing santa claus
6. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee
7. Can you do pushups? Yes, i'm weird.
8. Is your bathroom clean? So clean, you can lick the floor. Only if you want to.
9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? necklace
10. Do you have A.D.D.? yes! not proven though!
11. What's your name? Nikki Angara reporting for duty, sir!
12. What's your middle name? Rea
13. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment... hmm.. I really need to get some sleep.. I can't stop looking at cars... I really need to do something about my debt.
14. Name the last 3 things you have bought lately? Coffee, credit and food.
15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: water, coffee and coke zero.
16. Current worry? I wish I don't have any debts.
17. Current hate? No one in particular. I'm pretty happy right now.
18. 3 favorite places to be? Timezone, The Drink nightclub, Casino
19. How did you bring in the New Year? Had a new year's eve kiss with Emmet.
20. Where would you like to go? South America and Europe
21. Do you own slippers? Umm.. about twenty pairs of them.
22. What shirt are you wearing? A tank top.
23. Favorite color(s): purple and pink and ocassionally black.
24. Would you be a pirate? No.
25. Are you gay? I check out girls, and I like them a bit, does that make me bi?
26. Do you sing in the shower? No, I talk to myself in the shower.. Weird huh?
27. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Ghosts. I grew up watching Magandang Gabi Bayan during all Souls day.
28. What's in your pockets right now? hmmm.. a lighter.. well, look at that..
29. Best bed sheets as a child? The Winnie the Pooh glow in the dark sheets. I wish I still have them.
30. Worst injury you've ever had? Sprained ankle from playing basketball. Damn you all the tall people!!
31. Who is your loudest friend? Tiana!!
32. Who is your most silent friend? I don't have any silent friends. All of them are social retards.
33. Does someone have a crush on you? I think so.. I'm still snooping about that myself.
34. Do u wish on shooting stars ?? Yes
35. What is your favorite book? The Devil wears Prada, Angels and Demons.
36. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms and Milky Bar.
37. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? From Elvis Presley.. Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you..
38. What song do you want played at your funeral? Remember me this way - from the Casper soundtrack.
39. What were you doing at 12am last night? Winning two hundred dollars at the Casino with Amber.
40. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Shit, I really need to get that medical certificate today. [Of course I didn't get it.]

And more lists coming at ya

15 secrets about me

1. Even though I tell people that death is something you shouldn't be scared of, I'm actually scared of dying.
2. I dated a married guy.
3. I never dated a guy with ugly feet.
4. I only shave my legs twice a week - I'm not hairy.
5. More often that not, when I say I'm right, I'm wrong.
6. I'm in serious financial problem.
7. I do the opposite of what my mum tells me to do - just to spite her a little bit.
8. I have insomnia for three years now - I can't sleep before 4.30am.
9. I tell everyone I watch Grey's Anatomy but I don't.
10. I flirt with everyone. I don't deny that I have a boyfriend but one of my recreational activities is to flirt.
11. When I say one nighters are disgusting, I actually enjoyed a few back in 2005.
12. I'm still not happy with my weight.
13. I'm tempted to try drugs but always too scared to do anything about it [which is good].
14. I find myself attracted to other girls.
15. I'm curious about threesomes. But if I were to do it, it would have to be in a different country.

So many things happen in the past week

Emmet and I talked.

Yes.

Him.

Emmet.

And we talked.

It happened last Wednesday. Yes, I folded and talked to him the day after he messaged me on MSN.

I met him for coffee at Surfers and we started talking.

Well, he was talking. He was pretending that nothing happened.

Finally, I stopped and turned, Are we going to talk because if not, I'm leaving.

So we went to the beach and sat on the sand and was silent for a good ten minutes.

I'm sorry, he said.

Is that it, I asked.

He said he was sorry for everything.

He told me his reasons. I believed him.

Because when the tears start falling like Niagara Falls - from someone who's as tough and as macho as Emmet, you have to believe him too. Not everyday do I see my boyfriend become desperate.

There, I said it. Boyfriend. Yes, we are back together.

I just can't see myself with anyone anymore.

I think he's it.

I don't know what possessed me to go back and to take him back again. I certainly wasn't feeling lonely anymore.

And I was sure as hell that I wanted to move on.

But when I saw his face and the look of sadness in his eyes, I knew I had to make it better.

I never ever get back together with my exes, he said.

Then why am I an exception, I asked.

You're you. Nikki. My panget, he answered.

Then we kissed.

It was a beautiful night. A great night to get back together because last Wednesday was state of origin. And to put icing on the cake, Queensland won.

But of course after a few days

It gets you thinking; Did I make the right choice? What if he does it again?

Was he playing the field and then when he couldn't find anyone he came back to me.

Yep, all the nasty things that I can think of, I thought of.

I went back on my word and I told him, I want to take things slow. That a big part of me wanted to just move on.

Do you know how hard it is to hear that you think I'm a waste of space, he demanded.

You don't say stuff like that to someone you love, he continued.

Well, you don't not call someone you supposedly love for three weeks and expect a welcome home party, I shot back.

We agreed to take it slow. To just take it one day at a time.

But breaking up is not an option - we both agreed.

You never ever NOT call me back again. If we have any problems, we talk about. You don't walk out on relationships just like that, I said.

Do you know that everyday that I haven't spoken to you, you never left my mind. I always wonder what you're doing. I always use one of your pens for good luck and I always wear one of Tita's gifts just to have you near me, he said.

I realise he's emotionally unavailable. I understand that. And I knew what I was getting myself into.

I love him. Almost losing him made me realise that I want to be with him for a very long time.

Do you think I can just turn away from a long-term relationship like that, he asked.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. You're the only one that gets me, he added.

I'm so happy right now. I have my boyfriend and I finally have my best friend back.

We have a lot to work on but by the end of the day, I'll always keep running back to him.


And to celebrate

I got really drunk on Friday night.

Amber said I was mental. And that I was so embarassing.

I got kicked out of one of the clubs for being so drunk.

I ended up falling over at the Drink nightclub and I lost my shoe. I was walking all over the dance floor looking for my shoe. But of course since I was blind drunk it was a mission trying to look for it.

I fell over twice while dancing and I ended up dancing by myself - with no one in particular. I woke up the next day and all the stuff I did came rushing back. While I was saying my prayers to the porcelain god, I laughed out loud.

Did I really do that, I asked myself.

I cringe everytime I think about that night. So, so, so, embarassing.

The last time I got kicked out of the club was last year.

And I got denied entry in one of the clubs for having a few too many before hitting the town.

Well, you can't say Nikki doesn't know how to party.

As soon as I downed two glasses of red wine, Amber looked at her boyfriend.

Be scared. Be very scared, she warned.

Why, her boyfriend asked.

Last time she was like this, she got kicked out of a club, she replied.

And I didn't disappoint.

And I will never disappoint. I will party like a person with mad cow disease before final exams.

I need this to know that I'm still alive.

What the fuck?

After three weeks of AWOL what's-his-face messaged me today! On MSN.

Amber ran into him at Australia Fair this afternoon and apparently, he ran upto her and started talking to her.

He was saying about how stressed he was and that he failed two exams and that he hasn't slept in 31 hours.

Yeah, same with Nikki, my best friend quipped.

He apparently looked down - probably too embarassed.

Then I caught up with Amber and watched Georgia Rule and Because I Said So and while I was out having fun with my friend he messaged me.

When Amber dropped me off tonight this was on my screen.

Check the message above.

Just so you know the message went like this;

HIM: Hey babe

He then posted a photo of us.

He then tried putting the photo as our background - but I wasn't there so he cancelled.

HIM: Are you there?

HIM: Pang Pang

He then put a sad face.

HIM: Babe are you there?

You have failed to receive a shared background with him.

HIM: PANG PANG

HIM: Can we go for coffee tomorrow?

***

I don't know what to think. I'm positively one hundred per cent sure I want to get over this guy.

I know it - It's like this all over again.

How i-fucking-ronic.

I'm done. I want to move on and I'm doing really well. Why does he have to come back and shit on it?

Hasn't he done enough?

I remember

When I was in Manila back in 2004, when friends asked me why I was still single, I replied to them by saying, God is still making the perfect guy for me.

Now as I look back, I realised nothing has changed. Sure, I give relationships a chance. But every single man that I thought was THE ONE left me the way they did.

God really is saving me for further and more serious heartaches.

Imagine if Emmet and I got more involved? With kids and a mortgage together?

Somehow, I'm finding it easy to look at the situation in a positive note.

I'm looking back

I was reading through some of my old blog posts and I realised that I have gone stronger in the past three years.

I had gotten over so many guys.

I got so confused about so many guys.

And I got my heart trampled by so many guys.

Emmet is not different from any of these guys.

If I had gotten over Struther, Vmac, Mark and Rick - I'm sure as hell I'd get over him.

All I need to do is go out more. Work more and study more.

I'm already flirting with a guy as I type. My cousin introduced us and we're setting a date for Wednesday.

We both agreed that it's not a date - it's more of him cheering me up because I've been stressed.

But going out for coffee with another guy is so refreshing for me right now.

I need to have a social life and to reconnect with long lost friends.

I spoke to one of my old friends and the exact same thing happened to him - about a month ago.

His was worse. His girlfriend just stopped messaging back and stopped answering his calls - and they were still together.

Misery loves company. I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this. That a lot of people are going through the same thing as I am.

Cheers for a new chapter in my life and to the people who had helped me into getting over him;

Amber

Iris

Bernie

Ariane

You guy are right, I am so better off.

I deserve to be happy.

When I was getting over my ex of three years...

I turned to my Carlo's smallville quote.

It was true. There were two types of girls -the one you grow out of and the one you grow into.

And hopefully, when the next guy comes, I'll be the latter.

Who knew

That I'd turn to Pink for my angsty soundtrack of my life?

A long way to happy

One night to you

Lasted six weeks for me

Just a bitter little pill now

Just to try to go to sleep

No more waking up to innocence

Say hello to hesitance

To everyone I meet

Thanks to you years ago

I guess I'll never know

What love means to me but oh

I'll keep on rolling down this road

But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love

It's gonna take a lot to hold on

It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah

Left in the pieces that you broke me into

Torn apart but now I've got to

Keep on rolling like a stone

Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behindIn a roll away bed

Everything was so damn simple

Now I'm losing my head

Trying to cover up the damage

And pad out all the bruises

Do you know I had it

So it didn´t hurt to lose it

Didn't hurt to lose it

No but oh

I'll keep on rolling down this road

But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love

It's gonna take a lot to hold on

It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah

Left in the pieces that you broke me into

Torn apart but now I've got to

Keep on rolling like a stone

Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing

But don't worry about regret or guilt cause

I never knew your name

I just want to thank you

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

For all the sleepless nights

And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love

It's gonna take a lot to hold on

It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah

Left in the pieces that you broke me into

Torn apart but now I've got to

Keep on rolling like a stone

Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love

It's gonna take a lot to hold on

It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah

Left in the pieces that you broke me into

Torn apart but now I've got to

Keep on rolling like a stone

Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

I'm not crying anymore. Just angry and bitter but I'm getting there.

I'm just trying to survive each day.

The end of a chapter

I sent him a text message;

"I wish you had given our relationship a chance since we both know we were so good and happy together. I'm not going to bother you anymore. It's too hard to wait and to hope cos now I know it's not going to happen. I really wish you had called but I guess we're not meant to be. This will be my last text. Take care and be happy xoxo"

I'm moving on. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I deserve to be treated with respect and he didn't.

I'm tired of crying. It sucks because I really loved him.

But I know I can get over this. Becasue I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I want my old life back. I want to be happy and surround myself with positive people.

I refuse to torture myself with what ifs.

I wish him all the happiness in the world and hopefully someday he'll find someone who can make him happy and to support him in everything he does.

As for me, I need to reassess how I handle relationships. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and to not say hurtful things.

I learned a lot from the relationship. I learned to love selflessly and to not expect anything in return.

I'm not happy that this happened - no one loves a heartache but I guess it taught me how to be strong. How to handle heartaches and how to move on from them.

There will still be a cloud in my sky for a long time.

But I do know that just like the weather, my luck is going to change sooner or later.

Why is it so hard?

Dear Nikki,

Here is your horoscopefor Wednesday, May 16:

A goal that seems fairly unlikely suddenly becomes eminently possible, so don't put those dreams on the curb just yet. The stars say that you're likely to get a thumbs-up very soon if you keep your eyes on the prize.

I don't even know my goal. If I want to move on or not?

I'm still all over the place. I want to get rid of the pain but a big part of me still wishes he'll call.

So which one is it?

What a big improvement a total rejection can give you

After two weeks of nonsleep, two weeks of crying, two weeks of dead appetite - I can finally look at his pictures without crying.

I guess that was the closure I needed.

The pain is still here and I don't think it's going away anytime soon - but now, my desire to move on is stronger than ever.

I refuse to be this rag doll that consumed me for the past two weeks. The rag doll that never ate, never saw her friends, never left the bedroom - and occasionally, never showered.

I know it's hard. I'm still very angry, but I'm slowly taking the high road and moving on.

When I play the scenes in my head - if I run into him, I always imagined me breaking down and cry and just be miserable. But now, I imagine myself, telling him that he was too late. And that I refuse to be walked all over by the same person.

A part of me wants to see him and to hear from him. But another part of me is somewhat happy that this happened.

That I finally got woken up and realise that he wasn't the one for me. As I said before, I'm taking things one step at a time.

There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed and all I want to do is just sulk. But I can't live like this forever.

I have a job to go to, I have a family to reassure that I haven't lost my mind, I have friends that I need to catch up with and most of all - I have a life to live.

The two weeks had been hard for me. I seriously thought I couldn't handle it. I've been bringing everybody down. My parents are extremely worried about my health. My friends are worried that I would self-destruct.

Amber said I looked like I've been running after ten kids - because I have big bags under my eyes and I haven't washed my hair.

Iris is begging for me to sleep. Both girls came to visit tonight.

Mum is begging for me to please eat. And at least get out of the house - I was scared of running into him. I can't afford risking losing my mind and my calm in front of him.

But I'm not losing my mind. I won't. Because I know my parents, my friends and God will help me get through this.

I'm not going to be childish and return all the stuff that he had given me. After all, I loved the ring, the Havaianas floaters and the stereo.

But I already lost his numbers, his msn address, his myspace and his multiply.

I've deleted his photos in my phone but it's still saved in my laptop. I'm slowly getting over him.

It's lonely sometimes but at least I feel lonely when I'm really alone - not when I'm with someone but yet still feels lonely.

I managed to not cry at all today. Which is a big improvement.

I actually managed to get out of the house and went for a quick walk with Amber.

So yeah, a big improvement. It still hurts but I think I'll be ok.

And now, I can say that wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

I wish in two months' time, I don't hate him anymore.

It's a soothing delight

Realising that the person whom you thought loved you dearly doesn't want to have anything to do with you is the worst that could ever happen to you.

I'm going to be honest. I deserved everything that came my way in terms of what happened with him and I.

What I didn't deserve was not to be given the closure.

For him to just turn around and walk away made me realise that he wasn't the one for me.

I'm hurting still but now I'm more angry.

I'm angry at him for being a coward - for not having the guts to tell me face to face that it was over.

I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to sink so low - to beg and grovelled and beg some more.

I can't say I didn't do my part. I did everything and still nothing.

I'm done waiting.

I think - I think it's time for me to put a full stop in this relationship.

He was probably just waiting for me to end it so he wouldn't be the bad guy. But no matter what happens, we both know who ended it.

No conversations or words are necessary. He threw something so special.

I'm just doing what I can do to move on.

I at least deserve that.

This is just going to be one long ramble

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't believe that someone - who supposedly loved me - can cast me aside like a piece of trash.

I've never felt so depressed in my whole life. There's a big lump in my throat that just won't go away.

I feel like any minute, I will break down and cry.

Even when driving, at uni, having dinner with my parents. The mind is very cruel. I would have images of him flashing in my mind and the tears well up in my eyes.

I have to take deep breaths to compose myself.

My mum looks on sympathetically offering sighs of support.

But no one can feel what I'm feeling right now. No one can understand.

Questions like; How can he do this? How can he just leave without telling me? How can he just turn around and walk away?

I know the old; everything happens for a reason. And if it comes back it's your if it doesn't it never was.

I really really loved him. It sucks cos I really thought he was the one. I look around the room, my house and everything reminds of him.

Our picture is still on top of the stereo that he gave me. The Havaianas still sitting prominently in my room. All our photos are still saved in my laptop. Photos are still in my phone.

But what good will it do when he doesn't talk to me anymore.

How can he just abandon me like that without saying anything?

I don't understand. How can someone be so heartless?

Especially to someone he supposedly loved?

I've been burnt so many times in the past, but this is the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life.

Someone said, being that miserable means that you deeply loved someone.

I'm so miserable right now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what I'm feeling. No can ever relate to what I'm feeling right now.

I feel like the whole world is opening up and eating me alive.

I haven't slept in three days.

I just lay awake on my bed til 7am wishing for the pain to just go away.

Then I drift off to sleep and wake up at 4pm wishing the day would soon end.

I never want to leave the house anymore. I just want to stay in my room in the darkness and think of how I could possibly deserve to be cast aside like this.

Images of me bumping into him kept haunting my head and I start to cry.

I did everything I could've possible done to reach him but he ignored me. That's what hurts the most.

The fact that he can look into his phone while I call and doesn't even pick up.

The fact that he can read all the text messages I sent begging him to talk to me and still won't do anything.

I know someday I'll get over this. I know I'll be able to look back and laugh about it.

But right now, all I want is for this to go away.

It made me so depressed and I don't even have anyone to talk about it. I lost him - my best friend.

I know he treated me badly by doing what he did but he was my best friend.

He told me he was going to call me soon - but he never did.

I finally had the courage to message him on monday and told him I give up.

That I at least deserved to know what's going on - but still nothing.

I told him I still loved him and hope he takes care of himself.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost and unloved. I never felt so rejected in my life.

My mum told me to at least have dignity and to not message him anymore.

I'm doing my best to try to move on from this.

But the thing, I don't know where to start. He had been a big part of my life. I saw him everyday. Share laughs with him every hour.

I really had good memories of him but now, I don't even want to be reminded of those - it's too painful. Too damn hard.

Mum doesn't want to see me cry but I can't help it. I've never cried this much in my life. How can you face your future knowing that the best thing that ever happened to you is gone?

And he won't come back?

He didn't even have the decency to tell me what's going on. He just left without saying anything.

I want to stay positive but it's too hard.

How do I do this???

Wow

This is even harder than when I broke up with my ex of three years.

I seriously do not know what's going on anymore.

As I said, this sucks.

I think it's harder because I loved him deeply.

I've grown mature in this relationship and I actually believed that he was the one.

I really want to get back together with him. I'm borderline desperate.

I've done everything I could to talk to him but I guess he does need his space.

And since I love him, there's nothing I can do but respect that.

I just don't want this to be over. Or if he wants to break up, I wish he could tell me so the healing process can begin.

It's like a slow death. Or waiting for an execution.

I don't even know what he wants to do with us.

Wai said to respect his decision and that I should relax. That I will eventually get him to talk to me - after all, no one can turn away from a fifteen month relationship that easily.

But this is all too familiar. My ex turned away from a three year relationship faster than you can say I found someone else.

Why could this be any different?

I'm expecting the worst.

Worst: Him telling me it's over and that I should just move on.

I just wish the verdict is coming soon. I can't take this.

This sucks

I feel like the whole world is eating me alive.

I don't know why.

One thing you need to know

I'm flaky.

I decided that it was over.

And then it's back on.

It's not one hundred percent sure. He's still upset but at least now he's talking to me.

At least he didn't walk past me when I came over to visit him.

I can't help it. Not being with him made me realise that I want to be with him.

The only thoughts I ever had the past few days were thoughts of him.

It's too hard letting go of someone.

Old habits do die hard.

Panget at sukiyaki

In other news

I love how my long my hair had gotten!!

I am such a poser, I know..

I love it. I love it. I love it.

In other other news.

Paris is sentenced to go to jail for 45 days.

Apparently she cried when she was inside the courthouse.

She was just probably disappointed she wouldn't be seeing anything but vagina for 45 days.

I love how the justice system of USA works!!!*

*Just in this particular case..

I made a decision

Emmet and I officially broke up.

Now I don't know if it was the right thing to do. But I do know I have to reassess my feelings with him.

We hardly ever talk anymore. It makes me sad but at the same time, I think I need this time apart to organise my thoughts.

I don't know what to do.

I have uni assignments chasing my ass and I have a thankless job that sucked everything out of me.

The only thing that kept me going was my relationship with Emmet and even that is out of the window.

I have all the reasons to self-destruct. I can put on a Marissa Cooper persona and proceed on a downward spiral.

But I won't. I want to get over this. I called him a few times but he never answered his calls.

So I guess that's that. He's too upset to even talk to me.

I'm not going back to grovel. I apologised for what I said. I did my part.

I'm still wearing the ring that he gave me.

It'll take a long while for me to get over him. After all, fifteen months is a long time.

I loved him. Still do. The break up had nothing to do with my previous post. It just made sense to take a breather and just regroup.

I'm sad, yes.

Relieved? A little bit.

Happy? I feel like a truck is running over me right now.

But do I think I made the right choice? Well, I'm certainly not confused anymore.

I'm not worrying about what will happen to our future or IF we even have a future together.

Will I date straight away. That's a big, fat no.

I'm making a pact. I'll keep wearing the ring.

I'll take off the ring when I feel that I'm ready to move on.

This so contradicts my previous post

A beautiful lie.

I am lying to everyone I love.

Telling them I'm happy and I'm contented with how I live my life.

But there's one person that knows the truth. The truth about how I want to be treated as a girlfriend. About how I want my significant other to be there for me physically and emotionally all the time.

That I shouldn't feel guilty about having to ask for help.

One person. And he's been in my life for a good number of months now. Maybe even a year and half.

If you have been reading my blog, you might have a vague idea who he is.

He makes me happy. He gives me a reason to wake up in the morning with the biggest smile on my face.

Yes, he's been in my life for a year and a half. Our relationship never spawned into a romance.

But you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

It's hot and I can't stop thinking about it. Although Emmet and I are ok, and I love him, I'm not going to deny the fact that I have feelings for this guy.

Serious feelings. There, I said it.

I think it's time to admit to myself and to everyone that I want him. It's too hard trying to hide the feelings now.

But I'm lying to him too. The only person who knows the truth is Amber - one of my best friends.

Mainly because I know she won't judge me. She doesn't approve of course. She wants me to forget about it and focus on Emmet.

It will pass, you just need to reconnect with Emmet, she said.

I know it will pass if I let it. I know I can forget about him. Move on and just be with Emmet - a relationship so strained I don't know which way is up anymore.

But do I want it to pass? Do I want to be with Emmet - a guy so closed off I don't know how many skeletons he actually have in his big-ass closet.

Maybe this is THE guy.

I can't be honest these days.

I'm trying not to lead him on.

I'm trying to be faithful to Emmet.

I'm trying not to fall in love with this guy.

I'm trying not to fall out of love with Emmet.

Trying. Trying. Trying.

I need to make up my mind.